One in three French wants Saddam to win

ILL-FEELING between Britain and France over the invasion of Iraq has plumbed new depths with the desecration of that most sacred of memorials, a war cemetery. The defilement of Commonwealth war graves in northern France coincided with a poll for The Times which found that 54 per cent of Britons no longer regarded France as a close ally because of its opposition to the war.

Relations will be further rent by a second poll, in Le Monde, showing that only a third of the French felt that they were on the same side as the Americans and British, and that another third desired outright Iraqi victory over “les anglo-saxons”.

Eleven thousand Allied soldiers lie buried in well-tended peace at Etaples, on the Channel coast near Le Touquet, victims of the struggle by Anglo-Saxons to liberate the French from the German invaders during the First World War.

Last week the obelisk raised in their memory was defiled by red-painted insults such as “Rosbeefs go home”; “May Saddam prevail and spill your blood”; and, in a reference to the long-dead casualties beneath the manicured turf, “They are soiling our land”.

Local gendarmerie have launched an inquiry, but have so far found no clues. They say there had been no significant demonstrations against the war in that area of France.

The graffiti have been scrubbed off, but the incident has provoked outrage among British politicians, war graves staff and the few remaining relatives of those buried at Etaples. French politicians have joined the condemnation.

Michael Ancram, the Shadow Foreign Secretary, described the incident as a disgrace, saying that if the soldiers buried there had not liberated France, “those vandals would not be enjoying the freedom that they are so badly abusing today”.

Bruce George, Labour chairman of the Commons Defence Committee, said: “Remembering what sacrifice these men made for the liberation of France, I cannot believe any mature, sane person would be so stupid as that.” Britain and France might have differences, but “we need to get a grip on these malevolent and childish gestures”.

David Uffold, 63, a Shropshire farmer, is the only surviving relative of Rifleman Frederick Uffold of the London Regiment, who is buried at Etaples. “I find it sickening that anyone would vandalise the cemetery; it is a futile and ridiculous act,” he said. “It is the last place they should be protesting about Iraq. These fellows were drafted in to fight for France. I can’t see any connection between the men buried at Etaples and the war in Iraq.”

Peter Francis, of the Commonwealth War Graves Commission, said he was “dismayed and disgusted” that a place remembering those who died defending freedom in world wars long ago should be dragged into a current political debate. “The French authorities have also expressed their shock and anger and have begun regular security checks at the cemetery,” he said.

French politicians did their best to portray the desecration as an isolated act, but it nonetheless underlined anti-American and anti-British emotions running through France over what is seen there as a bungled invasion rapidly turning into a humanitarian disaster.

President Chirac’s spokesman said: “We are indignant and shocked by the desecration of the graves of soldiers from allied countries who fought for our liberty.”

Jean-Pierre Raffarin, the Prime Minister, sought to cool the hostility towards the US — and to a lesser extent Britain — by cautioning against “all forms of anti-Americanism”. The French must not be confused about the identity of the enemy, he said. “The Americans are not the enemy; just because we are against this war, it does not mean that we want the victory of dictatorship over democracy.”

Currently making the rounds in the military community:
The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next
2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare;
"France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country
to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually
the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military
power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the
French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar
to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome",
and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins
when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the
opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no
match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of
drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by
the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like
to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United
States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to
bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans,
English,Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender
to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a
McDonald's. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French
should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until
France collapses?"

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