Japes of wrath (Humor - Baghdad Bob with Garafalo, Penn, Vichy Chix, Jerry Lewis . . .)

Globe and Mail ^ | May 3, 2003 | Rex Murphy

[fightinJAG]

Japes of wrath

By REX MURPHY From Saturday's Globe and Mail

So arrest me already

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, Mohammed Saeed My-feelings-as-usual-we-will-slaughter-them-all Sahhaf to his friends, had a great war but is having an abso­lutely miserable surrender.

Nobody wants to take him. Since the bright morning of his fame, this Napoleon of press flacks has been staying at his aunt's. Aunts are a most underappreciated species. Half of the great novels of the 19th century would have been im­possible without them. And now there's a lady in Baghdad, who gave sanctuary when it counted to the only member of the high councils of the once-feared Baath Party to actually show up for the war.

Early this week, Mohammed sent some of his relatives (the good aunt?) out to let the Americans know he wished to surrender. But the Americans, who have grown notoriously single-minded since the advent of George W. Bush and Don­ald Rumsfeld, say they aren't interested.

He's even tried to surrender to Uncle Sam through the less fastidious Patriotic Union of Kurdistan's forces. The PUK de­cided it wasn't worth the trouble and de­clined the pleasure of facilitating his arrest and detention.

One day you're the second-most-fa­mous Iraqi on the planet, standing in the rubble in front of the entire world's press, the next day not even your faithful aunt can turn you in. Something like Regis Philbin after the crash of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Tariq Aziz — they'll take Tariq Aziz. Saddam Hussein's great envoy and con­fidante hangs a pocket handkerchief out the window, and it's "Certainly, Mr. Aziz. Right this way, Mr. Aziz. Your personal cell is waiting, are these handcuffs too tight, Mr. Aziz? Spill the beans and we'll give you a mansion in England and a pension, Mr. Aziz."

Where was Tariq when the Abrams tanks were rolling down Main Street, and when the Tomahawk missiles darting into the presidential palaces were as thick as capelin on a June beach?

Was he on the roof of the last building in Baghdad with a roof, raining down scorn on the infidels? No, he wasn't. But Tariq Aziz can surrender virtually at will. There is no justice in this world.

Mohammed, if you're out there some­where with your hands up and a white flag between your teeth tripping over the infidels who won't give you the time of day — persist! You got through to CNN's Judy Woodruff once — this'll take just a little longer.

It's my feeling, after giving this matter some thought, that Mr. al-Sahhaf is turn­ing himself in to the wrong people. Sur­render has its protocols as much as victory. Mr. My-feelings-as-usual-we-will-slaughter-them-all hasn't found the right people to take him. He needs peo­ple who understand his contribution to this great saga, who can appreciate the unique structuring he gave this war. He needs diplomatists he can relate to.

Geraldo and Sean Penn — the Surren­der Committee. Do we need to state Ger­aldo Rivera's qualifications for his task? The correspondent who almost gave the war away, receiving the microphone of the flack who denied it was happening. It's a symmetry only the gods can supply. The man who opened Al Capone's safe on prime-time television to find out that there was nothing in it needs the ballast of a surrender no one else will accept to round out his career.

And the Hollywood geopoliticians have no one more steeped in the lore and lure of downtown Baghdad than the one time Madonna-phile who did his own fact-finding tour, spent whole days there in fact, while Saddam was still walking the Earth and putting so many of his fellow citizens under it.

I think Mohammed's people — that would be his aunt — should get in touch with Sean's, and do a roundtable with Geraldo. They could settle on a location. Somewhere conspicuous, of course, but dignified. Not Baghdad. Baghdad's been done. France is promising. France is good with surrenders. And this might be just the gesture to bring the French back in the game. Stick Jerry Lewis up to emcee the event and we've got the makings of a first-class capitulation.

Hell, let's go the whole way. Moham­med officially turns himself over to Ger­aldo and Sean Penn, Jerry Lewis does a pratfall signifying all is forgiven, and the Dixie Chicks and Martin Sheen offer As-usual-we-will-slaugher-them-all lifetime membership in the not-in-our-name committee of his choice. Michael Moore proposes to Janeane Garafalo, Robert Fisk promises to give her away, Kofi Annan looks on in puzzlement, and a chorus of We Are The World rounds out the proceedings.

The former Iraqi minister of informa­tion, finally, is taken into custody. Shot of his aunt — beaming.

Geraldo has a prisoner. Sean Penn can now look Bono in the face. Mohammed weeps for joy.

Truly, it is wonderful footage (and peace) in our time. Rex Murphy is a commentator with CBC-TV's The National and host of CBC Radio One's Cross-Country Checkup

[Doctor Raoul]

Is this true or a put on?

[headsonpikes]

This is Rex Murphy, alright, but look at the publishing date.

He's a wry Newfie; quite popular up here.

[fightinJAG]

I did read that Baghdad Bob had been holed up at his aunt's house and was trying to arrange a cushy surrender and we wouldn't take him. But can't confirm.

I think it's those news reports that started this author's humorous rant.

[Brad’s Gramma]

Baghdad Bob Bump