Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
Well I don't want to upset you, for pete's sake. I have told my kids the exact sentence you wrote above. I don't consider myself immoral for wanting a steady relationship that includes sex. I have some personal reasons for not wanting to remarry. At least not this year. I don't run around picking up guys. In fact the last person I was with was my now ex-husband. That was several years ago. The decay in our society doesn't have a thing to do with adults acting responsibly and with discretion. Btw, I'm not a spring chicken.
He's probably doing the first base, second base and third base thing with them, but saving the home run for marriage. I can respect his behavior and discipline.
Okay, here's how---
1. Let's assume she was not a virgin or celibate prior to meeting Mr. Washington. (It's not much of a stretch, since he says she was "okay" with celibacy, not "absolutely devoted to celibacy". And to be fair to him he is not requiring a virgin, since he wasn't one himself)
2. Girl becomes acquainted with Mr. Washington.
3. Girl and Mr. Washington begin to date, and she finds out he plans to abstain until marriage. In other words, he's going to save himself now for someone very special, his future wife.
4.Girl obviously finds this attitude an attractive quality, since she continues to date him.
5. Mr. Washington, who is on record as "saving himself for that special someone" continues to ask Girl out over and over and over. Since they are not having SEX, it's likely they are having extremely good conversations to compensate (and presumably getting to know each other fairly well).
6. After this man who is "saving himself for someone special" keeps asking her out again and again and again, Girl begins to believe and hope she *is* the "SPECIAL SOMEONE"--
7. Begins to believe he's *her* "special someone",too-- after all, he must be interested in her for her self, not because of sex, like all the other men---
8. Begins to really look forward to consummating their relationship in marriage one day.
9. Begins to wonder why he isn't saying anything about the future, after all that attention.
10. Asks where their relationship is headed, and finds out he's JUST FINE with things the way they are. In other words, she's not so special after all.
Result---messed-up head.
(come on, it's kind of a logical progression.)
Not on purpose.
Palmeiro's only 39 years old!
I never heard of sexual dysfunction in a man that age unless he's had a physical injury of some kind.
And you're right about his wife. I wonder how she feels about him doing these Viagra ads. Surely he doesn't need the money.
I know, I was raised Catholic. Problem was that people stayed in horrible marriages because of the Church and society's prohibition on divorce. Unless there are some huge problems, people should stay married and grow up. My parents were chaste until marriage. They were quite older than most newlyweds, too. My oldest girl is getting married friday. Even though her and her fiancee live together, they are waiting for marriage. He's Hindu btw.
It wasn't reason enough to leave the marriage, even though it was a heartbreak for both of us (he was in so much pain that even simple cuddling was out of the question.)
First of all, let me say how sorry I am, you have my condolences. You have brought up a very important point. Sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage, however I think it bonds you to your partner in a physical way, much like the day to day living bonds you emotionally. I think having that connection helps with dealing with enevitable infirmities down the road. Imo, marriage is a partnership; both husband and wife are there for each other. For better or worse, yeah?
I know hundreds of Catholics from my parents generation and before who stayed married, and I know none that have the kind of marriage your talking about.
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