Al Gore Reviews The Italian Job (And Ponders Hiring Randi Rhodes As Radio Talk Host)

No, this isn't a commercial for a cell phone service. I am talking about if you can hear the Democrat Party message.

What happened was that, against all expectations, the Democrats lost ground in 2002 despite the fact that historically the out of power party normally gains congressional seats during the off-year elections. So sure was the Democrat Party chairman, Terry McAuliffe, of defeating his number one target, Governor Jeb Bush, that he was already gloating about the defeat BEFORE the election. Uh, Terry, the time to gloat is AFTER the results are actually known.

Not only does Terry McAuliffe come off looking like a sleazy Las Vegas lounge lizard but also looks like a fool. However, McAuliffe's job is more secure than ever. Why? Because Hillary and Bill want him in place to clear the decks for Hillary's 2008 attempt to return to the White House. This means that any Democrat presidential candidate will have to have the rug subtly pulled from under him by McAuliffe. Oh yes, Terry and Hill and Bill will "enthusiastically" support the candidate in public but in private all sorts of strings will be pulled to ensure the defeat of the 2004 candidate to pave the way for Hillary 2008.

So McAuliffe and Clinton & Co. had to come up with some sort of excuse as to why the Democrats did so poorly last year. And the excuse went like this: "We didn't get our message out."

"REPUBLICANS ARE SCUM OF THE EARTH! THEY SUPPORT BIG OIL AND WEALTHY CORPORATIONS! THEY WANT TO STARVE THE CHILDREN! GEORGE BUSH IS AN EVIL AND VILE WARMONGER!"

What? You want to hear what Democrats are FOR, not what we are AGAINST? Well, I can't tell you that. It's TOP SECRET. Oh, you're still insisting on hearing the Democrats' real message. Okay, here it is:

"WE WANT TO RAISE YOUR TAXES! INCREASE WASTEFUL GOVERNMENT SPENDING! REPLACE CAPITALISM WITH SOCIALISM! MAKE YOUR CHILDREN TRANSGENDERED! OPEN ALL OUR BORDERS! AND DESTROY AMERICAN SOVEREIGNTY IN FAVOR OF UN WORLD GOVERNMENT"

The big problem is that if the public heard our real message, Democrats would never win elections so we keep mum on that. Better to just attack Republicans as scum of the earth.

So why can't we get our message out? Because even though we hammer it out day after day, our message is being jammed on the airwaves by Richard Mellon Scaife and Clear Channel along with Fox News. The only radio voices that can be heard are rightwingers like Rush Limbaugh. Sure we had Jim Hightower and Mario Cuomo on the air. However as Anita Drobny of Anshell Media explained her Oreo Cookie Theory, if you have a liberal broadcasting in a time slot between two conservatives, it somehow ruins the progressive message. Does that Oreo Cookie Theory make sense to you? Well, don't feel bad. I think it's kind of lame myself but it's the best theory we can come up with for why liberals are such flops on the air.

However, I am happy to announce that I will soon be forming a Liberal News Network on cable. Right now I am in the process of shaking down, err, encouraging investors in this enterprise. Already I have Anita "Oreo Cookie" Drobny and her hubby committed to sink BUKU BUCKS into my media scheme.

WATCH OUT, RUSH LIMBAUGH! You're as good as off the air. No way you can stand up to our Liberal Talk Radio Host . . . whoever it may be.

Oops! Maybe I better not gloat like Terry McAuliffe until AFTER we destroy Rush in the ratings. But WHO can we get to defeat Rush? Al Franken's name has been bandied about the most but the only reason is that he added Rush's name to a book he wrote to get it noticed.

For some strange reason there just doesn't seem to be a popular liberal radio talk show host out there. Maybe the answer is to go for shock value and have people tune in a talk freak show for laughs. There actually is somebody qualified to be a freak talk radio host—Randi Rhodes of WJNO Radio in Palm Beach County, home of the infamous Butterfly Ballots where liberal Condo Commandos were so clueless that they ended up mistakenly taking votes away from me and casting them for the last person on earth they would support—Pat Buchanan.

Anyway, I have visited that county a few times since those Butterfly Ballots cost me the election and tuned in the Randi Rhodes show to check her out. One problem with her show is that WJNO has such low power that their signal sputters out and dies before it even gets near the Palm Beach County line.

If you can catch Randi Rhodes before the WJNO signal fades away, it is a truly amazing experience. We are talking about a FULL MOONER here. Randi has a conspiracy theory about almost everything including why she is not syndicated nationally (a right-wing conspiracy led by Rush Limbaugh is targeting her). To listen to Randi is like driving by a big car wreck. Horrible to look at but it definitely draws your attention such as Randi's assertion that her biggest fantasy in life is to give a "Lewinsky" to Bill Clinton aboard Air Force One. Even when Randi goes off the topic of politics, she still sounds NUTS. Randi is probably the last person on the planet to actually believe that OJ Simpson is searching the golf courses of the world in order to track down his ex-wife's killers.

Right now Randi's big topic is how she wants to be syndicated nationally. She knows that Anita Drobny of Anshell and myself are looking for a liberal radio talk show alternative to Rush Limbaugh. As a result, Randi is shamelessly promoting herself for this slot on the air to the extent of asking her listeners to call up the radio syndication services and plead her case.

Randi's desperation is really quite entertaining. The problem is that if I did hire Randi Rhodes for a national radio broadcast, she might mellow out and lose that nutty edge.

Therefore I plan to just string Randi along. I'll pretend that I am interested in her but that I also have to investigate the possibilities of other liberal talk show hosts. This is sure to make Randi even more desperate on the air. Then I will take the taped shows of Randi Rhodes begging to be syndicated and syndicate that nationally. It would be the radio equivalent of Jackass, The Movie. Folks will tune in to those taped Randi Rhodes shows for laughs. Although that shtick will wear out after a few weeks, it is sure to attract a big audience in the short term and allow me to declare victory over Rush Limbaugh.

Hey, if Simon & Schuster can claim that Hillary's Living History book is the "best selling non-fiction book in history" then I can claim to defeat Rush on almost as flimsy evidence. The strange thing about "the best selling non-fiction book in history" is that its sales are plummeting like a rock. Just a couple of weeks after the book's release, even The South Beach Diet had better sales on Amazon.Com. Come to think of it, Living History never did any better than #13 in Virginia according to the Amazon.Com geographic sales stats. The last time I checked her book, it was only ranked #17 in New York State and didn't even make the Top 20 in Manhattan. So WHERE are all those sales coming from? It's still a mystery.

Of course, my own Joined At The Lips book that I wrote with Tipper started out with few sales and dropped off from there. However, I have learned my lesson. My next book, a compilation of these movie reviews will do much better than Hillary's ghost-written book. Why? Because I ditched all that phony baloney pablum that killed my last book and filled my movie reviews with harsh reality. Also I have learned from Howard Stern's hilarious book (a REAL bestseller), Private Parts, to mix text with artwork. Private Parts was revolutionary in its ingenious way it mixed text with illustrations. What that did was it made the book an easy read from start to finish. Even with my schedule as a Vice President, I read the entire Private Parts book in just one sitting. And if my own Al Gore At The Movies reviews are ever published in book form, I plan to have the text fully integrated with illustrations. Hey, I even have my illustrators already picked out—Bob Lizarraga and Brian Chin out in California. Those guys are the best in the business and will probably charge a fortune for their services but, not to worry, I'll just let the publishing company pick up the tab.

Unfortunately my lousy Joined At The Lips book poisoned the well for me with book publishers. Therefore I'm going to have to pull a Randi Rhodes here and shamelessly BEG you to contact book publishers to ask them to publish my book. If you can do this, I will demonstrate my sincere gratitude to you by allowing you to go to the head of the line for me to autograph your copy of Al Gore At The Movies (sorry, no discounts).

As to my Al Gore At The Movies reviews, our latest flick in the series is The Italian Job. This movie stars Mark Wahlberg, Donald Sutherland, Edward Norton, Cameron Diaz, and . . . Oops! At first I thought Cameron Diaz was in this movie until I later realized it was Charlize Theron but can you blame me? They look almost identical. Maybe a Hollywood drunk-driving test in La-La Land should consist of giving a driver a photo of each of these starlets and see if he can tell them apart.

Although The Italian Job is a remake of a British movie of the same name made in 1969, other than the fact that the current movie has a few early scenes in Italy, there is little similarity between the two films. The last Mark Wahlberg movie I saw was the horrible Planet Of The Apes remake but, fortunately, the 2003 The Italian Job was much more entertaining.

Since The Italian Job consists of a lot of plot twists, I won't spoil things for you by giving you much in the way of the details. Many of you already hate my guts for the zero chad rating I sacrilegiously gave to The Matrix Reloaded recently and I don't wish to incite your antagonisms any further.

However, there is an amusing flashback scene in The Italian Job that I would like to relay to you. It involves computer nerd Lyle (Seth Green) who proclaims at every opportunity that HE is the true author of the Napster program. In a funny scene we see Lyle sleeping at his computer desk in his college dormitory while his roommate, Shawn Fanning, steals the disk with the Napster program from him. Lyle later angrily proclaims the program was named "Napster" because he was napping while Fanning stole it from him. Part of the joke of this scene is that Shawn Fanning is played with much relish by . . . Shawn Fanning.

Another funny scene in the movie was when the "good guy" robbery gang attempted to clock how long it would take to drive from Union Station in Los Angeles to a mansion they planned to rob. Next thing we know they are STUCK in the middle of typical L.A. traffic going nowhere. Therefore they had to use the services of computer nerd Lyle to arrange for the traffic lights to turn green at the right times. I sure would love to use Lyle's light- changing ability everyday to make the traffic lights green whenever I approach them.

One really stupid premise of The Italian Job was the idea that you can take large stamped gold bars from a big robbery in Venice, Italy and get cash for them in a dumpy pawnshop in a sleazy downtown L.A. neighborhood. Turning a Rolex in for cash makes sense. Walking into a pawnshop and getting hundreds of thousands of dollars of cash for a big gold bar is just ridiculous.

Even more ridiculous was when bad guy Steve (Edward Norton) follows the robbery gang just a few feet off the ground in a black helicopter in metropolitan Los Angeles. Um . . . Haven't the producers ever heard of 9-11? How long do you think the cops would allow such a helicopter to buzz at low altitude all around L.A.? In real life the police helicopters would have been all over that black helicopter like a swarm of flies.

Too bad they didn't use that black helicopter to spread the Democrat party message. They should have had loudspeakers on the helicopter blasting:

"REPUBLICANS ARE SCUM OF THE EARTH! THEY SUPPORT BIG OIL AND WEALTHY CORPORATIONS! THEY WANT TO STARVE THE CHILDREN! GEORGE BUSH IS AN EVIL AND VILE WARMONGER!"

Despite these lapses, The Italian Job was entertaining for the most part as an action/crime movie. Therefore, on my Chad Rating Scale of one to ten chads with ten chads being best, I give The Italian Job seven chads.

This is the NEW Al Gore keepin' it real with this review and signing off with this important message:

Hmm... It looks like Al Gore is considering hiring South Florida's own Randi Rhodes as the liberal talk radio host to counter Rush Limbaugh.

PJ, did you know that our own Florida Freepers, My Favorite Headache, used to be one of Randi's producers?

In fact, that's how I met Doug aka My Favorite Headache. I was doing a solo Impeach Clinton protest in Boca Raton and he stopped to say hi and invited me to debate Randi on her show!

I told Doug that I don't debate with idiots and/or wackjobs. (Randi is a combo of both, IMHO)

Turns out that Randi canned Doug shortly thereafter as he is a staunch conservative. IOW, she did Doug a big favor!

If you ever want to know the inside skinny, ask Doug. He will regale you for days!

Right now Randi Rhodes is DESPERATE to get syndicated. That is what is most fun about her show now---Her utter desperation. If she is not chosen to go up against Rush nationwide watch her toss a major hissy fit on the air.

Randi admitted yesterday on her show that she is the "I know who is behind this" un-named person who has spread life to the Rush story about money laundering. The long simmering feud between her and Rush is progressing quickly. I hope he squashes her like a bug. She has been influencing her condo commando listeners to pressure State Attorney Barry Krisher(D) to prosecute Rush. Apparently, their calls to his office have had an impact.

"We didn't get our message out."

Their Message -- was all too well heard!

They have also try to maintain (lamely) that their message is more subtle and complex and isn't just the black and white like the conservative message. What total bull***t. People heard them, and they were sent packing.

But guys and girls, the Dems. are really pissed now, very motivated and hateful, so don't get too contented. They (Soros, Hillary, etc.) are very organized. But last time around, their sorry message was heard all too clearly!

Randi admitted yesterday on her show that she is the "I know who is behind this" un-named person who has spread life to the Rush story about money laundering. The long simmering feud between her and Rush is progressing quickly. I hope he squashes her like a bug. She has been influencing her condo commando listeners to pressure State Attorney Barry Krisher(D) to prosecute Rush. Apparently, their calls to his office have had an impact.

AHA! Thanx for pointing out the SMOKING GUN as to the POLITICALLY MOTIVATED investigation of Rush!

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