My happy bear calls telemarketers' bluff

Toronto Sun ^ | July 13, 2003 | Gary Dunford

[Squawk 8888]

Never knew plush toys could be so handy

SPEAK UP, SQUEAKY: When visitors to my home spot the half dozen cute stuffed animals gathered about the telephone on my desk, they often scowl and ask: "Do you have children, Dunf?"

"No," I assure them. "I have telemarketers."

Each fuzzy desk toy has a voice chip buried in its belly, eager to chat with pitchmen who dodge the automatic answering machine. You know those nights you expect a call and actually pick up the phone?

When I hear the tell-tale pause that means the call's coming from a vast commercial phone nuisance works, I reach for a stuffed animal.

"Is Mrs. or Mr. Dunford home?" the voice will ask.

"BOING BOING BOING," goes the springy sound effect when I squeeze Hoppy the Easter Bunny's stomach. "My name's Happy Bear! Easter makes me jump with joy!" Hoppy is a rabbit. But his voice chip says he's a bear. Maybe that's why he only cost 99c in a drugstore clearance bin.

"Is Mrs. or Mr. Dunford home?" the caller tries again.

"Spring puts a HOP in my heel!" cries Hoppy, laughing like a maniac. "Do you know who I am? I'm Happy Bear!" Boing boing ...

Know what? The caller usually goes away.

I'd never hang up on a telemarketer. That would be rude. And cutting a fellow working stiff off mid-sentence with a cold "Not interested" doesn't work either: They keep right on talking. Begging for your attention.

"Do you know who I am?" Hoppy asked a telemarketer one night. "I'm Happy Bear!"

"I'm with the 50 Freedoms Foundation, Mr. Bear," she plowed on. "Would you have five minutes free to answer a few questions about banking?"

"Spring puts a HOP in my heel!" Hoppy laughed.

"Mine too," she agreed. "How long have you been with your current bank?"

If the toy hadn't started going Boing Boing, I bet she'd still be on the line.

Squeaky the Weasel stops telemarketers cold. This Scoozie pet makes hilarious chipmunk-like whistles and chuckles. A pal has one: Hearing Squeaky chirp and gobble down a phone line makes you think rodents are actually inside your head, come to eat out your ear drums.

"Listen to this!" I've heard telemarketers cry through Squeaky's squeals, clicks and burbles. "What is it?" a second voice asks. Squeeze the toy weasel's tummy again: He makes a dozen sounds in random order. "It might be a pet rat," I heard one telemarketer speculate.

Telemarketers call to annoy me, but instead I Make Their Night. "You remember the night we reached somebody's pet rat?" they'll recall, years from now. "How did that rat get the phone off the hook?" Beats me.

Some nights, my Tiny Farting Santa Claus takes incoming calls. Barely four inches high, squeeze Santa and he offers one of three messages--after a foul, trumpet-like blast of simulated flatulence.

"Jingle smells, jingle smells" he sings. Or after a tail toot that would bring down geese: "Whoa, sounds like a storm's blowin' in!" Squeeze again and hear an outrageous roar of butt thunder: "Whoa, I think I woke up the kids!"

Best of all, it takes no longer to grab a talking animal near the phone than it does for the guy in the call centre to connect your call to the name on his computer screen. You don't even have to say hello. Squeaky, Hoppy and Farting Santa are my equalize ers. When toys speak, telemarketers listen.

I own Big Red, a chirping cardinal. And Baby Laugh Bird, an eerie, pointy-beaked object that makes a noise I have not heard outside horror films. "Squeeze Baby Laugh Bird, Bird Baby Laugh" says the made-in-China tag. "Hawka hawka hawka" ... I swear it's cats or birds eating a baby. That's why a pal brought it back from Indonesia for me.

A night ago, the phone rings.

"Mr. Dunford?" asks a voice. "It's Bell Canada calling. We're doing a customer service assessment. Would you have five minutes to discuss Bell Canada's call to you last May 16?"

"Of course," I assure the guy. Squeaky giggles softly as I tickle his tummy.

"On a scale of 10, how would you rate the tone and attitude of the Bell Canada representative?"

"The call only lasted 30 seconds," I report. "He hung up, I think."

"So your rating?"

"A zero."

"And how would you rate telephone solicitations in general?"

"FARP!" goes Santa Claus. "Jingle smells, jingle smells." And then: "Do you know who I am? I'm Happy Bear! Spring puts a HOP in my heel!"

"That completes our survey," said the caller, chuckling. "Thank you very much."

Your call may be monitored to assure A High Level of Customer Service.

We do what we can. Right, Squeaky?

[Squawk 8888]

This is even better than Jerry Seinfeld's approach.

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[Pyro7480]

LOL!!!!

[snopercod]

I wish I still had my Flip Wilson doll.

"Don't touch me! You don't know me that well."

[Constitution Day]

LMAO!! You've just GOT to see this.

[x1stcav]

In real life are you THE Serge A. Storms? Your outlook and Serge's on things like telemarketers are eerily similar.

[TontoKowalski]

This is a silly article.

But I want one of those Farting Santa Dolls.

[Bacon Man]

That's a hell of an idea!

[EggsAckley]

This is great! Being the big kid that I am, I confess to owning several "weird" talking toys. Even have a Boing Boing. What a great idea!

Thanks for posting this.




boing boing boing

[ElkGroveDan]

ping

[LizardQueen]

This article had me smiling but the Farting Santa really made me lose it. I've been laughing until my eyes teared up.

I want one too!

LQ

[Sunshine Sister]

Dog gone good idea.

[dd5339]

Hey Vic,

Put those batteries back into the kid's toys. We can have fun with this idea!

Cav,

Dig out that talking Mickey if you haven't taken the 12 gauge to it!

Semper Fi

[Chewbacca]

The talking Gunny Sgt R. Lee Ermey toy would be good.

---

The Gunnery SGT. R. Lee Ermey 12" Motivational Figure inspires the average man to action and excites a new purpose in those that have lost their way. This figure not only features the likeness of Gunnery SGT. R. Lee Ermey but also a one minute sound chip that barks his unique motivational advice that will kick your rear in gear.

The figure comes with a saber with sheath, and Drill Instructors famous 'Smokey Bear' cover (or hat for you civilians).

This version is RATED 'R' for 'salty' language.

[dighton]

Thanks. It's definitely worth passing along.

[general_re]

My daughter's Sesame Street See'n'Say should come in handy - one of the lines it's supposed to say is "Zookeeper Natasha likes feeding the monkeys". Except that in Big Bird's nasally voice, it sounds exactly like "Zookeeper Natasha likes beating the monkeys". That ought to throw them off-balance...

[Catspaw]

I need a farting Santa! I need a farting Santa!

[BADROTOFINGER]

I just got a call asking me to subscribe to the NTY Sunday edition where I live in Eastern Washington. Here is how the call went.

PS (phone solicitor)-Hello, I am calling from the NYT and would like to let you know that we are going to be in your area offering the Sunday NTY for a special price of $??? (I wasnt listening to the price) for 16 weeks! Would you be interested in that great deal, sir?

ME-Uh, no, not really.

PS-Have you ever read the NYT sir?

ME-Yes.

PS-And what did you think of it?

ME-Well, extreme left wing about says it all.

PS-(Laughs) Yes sir, you are right. It is very left wing. You have a nice day, and thank you!

ME-You too, thank you for your call, and good luck!

The gal at the other end wasnt at all surprised that I thought the NYT was a left wing fishwrap brand as opposed to a newspaper, and probably agreed...JFK

[gcruse]

So this guy thinks it would be rude to hang up on a telemarketer?
Well, if it's in the telemarketer's best interest to stop talking to a
non-viable contact, then he's doing them a favor by hanging up
immediately and letting them try someone else, so that excuse doesn't
cut it.

As for wasting his own time playing with toys that talk into the phone
and giggling like a loon the whole time....quelle immature.  

Reminds me of a joke.

This guy had about thirty pigs in a pen.  He had to go to town so he
asked his friend to water the pigs for him when the afternoon got hot.
The friend agreed and stayed with the pigs while the guy went to town.

Guy comes back from town to find the pigs just fine but his friend looking
dirty and exhausted.

"What happened?  How did you get so dirty?"
"I got dirty from carrying the pigs one at a time down to the river so they
could get a drink."
"One at a time?  Holy moley.  That must have taken a long time to water
all the pigs that way."
"Well, yes it did.  But then, what's time to a pig?"

[gcruse]

So this guy thinks it would be rude to hang up on a telemarketer?
Well, if it's in the telemarketer's best interest to stop talking to a
non-viable contact, then he's doing them a favor by hanging up
immediately and letting them try someone else, so that excuse doesn't
cut it.

As for wasting his own time playing with toys that talk into the phone
and giggling like a loon the whole time....quelle immature.  

Reminds me of a joke.

This guy had about thirty pigs in a pen.  He had to go to town so he
asked his friend to water the pigs for him when the afternoon got hot.
The friend agreed and stayed with the pigs while the guy went to town.

Guy comes back from town to find the pigs just fine but his friend looking
dirty and exhausted.

"What happened?  How did you get so dirty?"
"I got dirty from carrying the pigs one at a time down to the river so they
could get a drink."
"One at a time?  Holy moley.  That must have taken a long time to water
all the pigs that way."
"Well, yes it did.  But then, what's time to a pig?"