Posted on 7/19/2003, 12:42:08 AM by Pokey78
A reader kindly alerted me this week to the winning entry in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, run by San Jose State University in mock honour of the Victorian novelist who gave us the great opening sentence, "It was a dark and stormy night", which is actually merely the first seven words of a 58-word opening sentence. Graduates of creative writing courses are generally agreed that long sentences are to be scoffed at, and I'm happy to join in. After all, my own opening sentence clocks in at a pithy 57 words - well, it does if you count the hyphenated "Bulwer-Lytton" as a single.
Anyway, this was the winning entry, by Mariann Simms of Wetumpka, Alabama: "They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavour entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white mozzarella, although it could possibly be provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by colouring it differently."
Hmm. Actually, Miss Simms's cheesy image seems to me quite profound. Lovers are not just entwined like those cheese strands, but, like the cheese, the superficial differences obscure what you have in common. And, of course, the other thing Miss Simms gets right is the awfulness of American cheese.
After my column last week on European stereotypes, I received several e-mails from Americans along the lines of, "But why didn't you mention the 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys'?" Well, it pains me to have to say this, but I've never felt entirely comfortable with the whole cheese-eating sneer. As a neocon warmongering Bush suck-up, I yield to no one in my contempt for the French, but, that said, cheese-wise I kinda sorta feel they have the edge.
Today as every day, millions of Americans will stroll up to their lunch counters, order a cheeseburger, and the waitress will say, "American, Swiss or Cheddar?" - even though it makes not a whit of difference. All three taste the same, which is to say they taste of nothing. The only difference is that the slice of alleged Swiss is full of holes, so you're getting less nothing for your buck. On the other hand, the holes also taste of nothing, and they're less fattening. But my point is this: cheese is not the battleground on which to demonstrate the superiority of the American way.
I'm not much for the stinky runny stuff myself, but, if you like it, I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to eat it. In America, you're not: unpasteurised un-aged raw cheese that would be standard in any Continental fromagerie is banned. Americans, so zealous in defence of their liberties when it comes to guns, are happy to roll over for the nanny state when it comes to the cheese board.
Personally, I want it all: semi-automatics and Brie, guns and butter - and all the other dairy products that big-government federal regulation has destroyed the taste of. The French may be surrender monkeys on the battlefield, but they don't throw their hands up and flee in terror just 'cause the Camembert's a bit ripe. It's the Americans who insist, oh, no, the only way to deal with this sliver of Roquefort is to set up a rigorous ongoing inspections regime.
In fact, if I think about cheese long enough, my faith in America starts to crumble like Caerphilly. On Thursday, the front page of my local newspaper had a story about whether New Hampshire's 1791 adultery law applies to extramarital gay sex: a guy from Hanover, New Hampshire, has accused his wife of having an affair with a woman from Vermont, and the woman's defence is that lesbian sex isn't covered by the adultery prohibition as the New Hampshire legislature didn't have gay sex in mind back in the 18th century. On the other hand, a Boston-based gay group has filed a brief arguing that "gay and lesbian relationships are as significant as non-gay ones" and therefore it's discriminatory not to subject gays to the strictures of the adultery law.
What a great country, I thought, where the question of whether or not I can seek relief from the courts for a lesbian seducing my wife depends on what side of the state line I'm on. But then I remembered the cheese. In Europe, the laws are the same, the truck weights are the same, the prohibition on capital punishment is the same. But each French town has its own distinctive cheese. In America, the laws on semi-automatics and sodomy change every few miles, but 260 million people are subject to a ruthlessly enforced, centralised one-size-fits-all cheese regime. Americans are cheese-surrendering eating monkeys.
"Live free or die" is New Hampshire's state motto. But, when my wife runs off with a lesbian, not only won't I be able to bring an adultery charge, I won't even be able to console myself with a decent cheese sandwich. C'mon, you wimps: live Brie or die!
| A Recall AND a Fundraiser? I'm toast. |
|---|
 |
| Let's get this over with FAST. Please contribute! |
LOL!
A CHEESE thread! Hurray!
I would like to say that you can't even get decent AMERICAN cheese anymore! It's all been turned into a Velveeta type of square wrapped in plastic and called "cheese food."
Venezuelan Beaver Cheese, anyone?
(He offered Caerphilly....)
Thanks, bttt.
I wouldn't wanna miss a Steyn article since he's on a roll lately !!
Or for the true connoisseur, there's Kraft Old English spread in the little glass jars.
Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?
Tilsit?
Caerphilly?
Bel Paese?
Red Windsor?
Ah. Stilton?
Ementhal? Gruyere?
Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance?
Lipta?
Lancashire?
White Stilton?
Danish Brew?
Double Goucester?
Cheshire?
Dorset Bluveny?
Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Camenbert, perhaps?
It is worth noting that there are also plenty of mooses in Vermont. Or is it meeces? Whichever.
Something to do with itty-bitty New England farms becoming uneconomic to actually farm, so there is now more wild land than at the beginning of the 20th Century.
In any case, given all this, perhaps we can prevail upon Mr. Steyn to also give us a moose thread.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.