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A Young Mother's Agonizing Decision
The Hartford Courant ^
| July 21, 2003
| Kelly Ranstead
Posted on 07/22/2003 10:06:00 AM PDT by BillyBonebrake
Last winter I was a pregnant teenager, but I am not a single mother. My boyfriend and I decided to be unselfish and give our child the chance at the best life he could have: He was given a family by adoption. Our home pregnancy test came back positive. Panic-stricken, we rushed to Planned Parenthood, hoping against hope that this test would come back negative. We were not so lucky. Speaking through tears, we asked the nurse what to do. Instead of being given options, we were given one option - abortion. This, according to the Planned Parenthood nurse, would let us get on with our lives without anyone having known that I was pregnant. We told her that I was an Orthodox Christian and did not believe in abortion. That was the end of her help for us. Instead of advice, we got a terse "good luck" as we walked out the door. At first we thought of ourselves: how this baby was ruining our future dreams for college - and my boyfriend Bryan's dreams for a career as an ice-hockey referee. But we finally realized that the solution couldn't be about us. This was our mistake, and it was our responsibility to make sure our child didn't have to bear the consequences. We knew that our decision had to be in the best interest of the baby despite our own pain. The best thing for our baby was to be raised by two mature and loving adults - in other words, adoption. Our parents supported our decision and offered us their support. Friends and acquaintances wondered why we did not choose to keep the child for ourselves. We thought about it often, knowing how many young mothers do, but in our hearts we knew this wouldn't be fair to the baby. At 20 and 18, respectively, my boyfriend and I did not have the maturity or education to give this baby what he deserved. We faced years of menial jobs while trying to earn a college degree. Living together unmarried was not an option, and we knew the statistics of how many young marriages fail. Keeping the baby would be putting his future at too great a risk. We went to Wide Horizons adoption agency in West Hartford, and with their help and that of an Orthodox Christian organization called Zoe for Life, we started searching for our child's family. We found them in Canada, a couple just like us but older. They even had an adopted daughter with my sister's name and same white hair. As soon as we met them, we knew we had found our son's mom and dad. Together the four of us decided upon a name - Nicholas Paul. My boyfriend and I discussed with the new parents seeing our son when he was older, and we asked if he would ever know about his biological parents. They told us that Nicholas would know everything we wanted him to know about us, and would have our picture by his bedside. He would know we acted out of love. Now we waited for the months to pass. I took care of myself and finished my senior year of high school. I worked as long as I could to earn money for college in the fall. We tried not to think about how hard it was going to be delivering a baby but not bringing him home. We were lucky to have the support of family, friends, neighbors and my church throughout those months when I was so scared. And then he was there. Our perfect baby boy was born March 13. At 8 pounds, 11 ounces and 21½ inches, he looked just like us. He had his father's cheekbones and ears, while sharing my long legs, hair color, nose and lips. We spent our time together in the hospital memorizing his features and the smell of his skin. He did not cry, only whimpered occasionally, which stopped when he gripped our fingers. It was agony leaving without him; our hearts broke. But when pain threatened to overwhelm us, we remembered why we were doing this: We were being the best parents we could by giving our child the gift of a family through adoption. Do we miss him? Yes. Do we cry? Yes. Do we regret our decision? No. Someday we will be ready to be parents, but keeping Nicholas would have been selfish and he deserved better - we all deserved better. Kelly Ranstead graduated from Granby Memorial High School in June. She will attend Neumann College in Aston, Pa, in the fall.
(Excerpt) Read more at ctnow.com ...
TOPICS: Culture/Society; US: Connecticut
KEYWORDS: abortion; adoption; crisispregnancy; plannedparenthood
God bless these two for their corageous, life-affirming decision.
To: BillyBonebrake
God bless these two for their corageous, life-affirming decision. Agreed. But your lack of formatting suggests that you may burn for eternity.... ;-)
2
posted on
07/22/2003 10:07:22 AM PDT
by
r9etb
To: BillyBonebrake
Yes, absolutely. My wife and I once took in a young girl in a similar situation after her parents jettisoned her for not aborting.
Once in a while we see that kid around town and smile.
3
posted on
07/22/2003 10:08:19 AM PDT
by
jwalsh07
To: BillyBonebrake
Last winter I was a pregnant teenager, but I am not a single mother. My boyfriend and I decided to be unselfish and give our child the chance at the best life he could have: He was given a family by adoption.
Our home pregnancy test came back positive. Panic-stricken, we rushed to Planned Parenthood, hoping against hope that this test would come back negative. We were not so lucky. Speaking through tears, we asked the nurse what to do. Instead of being given options, we were given one option - abortion. This, according to the Planned Parenthood nurse, would let us get on with our lives without anyone having known that I was pregnant. We told her that I was an Orthodox Christian and did not believe in abortion. That was the end of her help for us. Instead of advice, we got a terse "good luck" as we walked out the door.
At first we thought of ourselves: how this baby was ruining our future dreams for college - and my boyfriend Bryan's dreams for a career as an ice-hockey referee. But we finally realized that the solution couldn't be about us. This was our mistake, and it was our responsibility to make sure our child didn't have to bear the consequences. We knew that our decision had to be in the best interest of the baby despite our own pain. The best thing for our baby was to be raised by two mature and loving adults - in other words, adoption. Our parents supported our decision and offered us their support.
Friends and acquaintances wondered why we did not choose to keep the child for ourselves. We thought about it often, knowing how many young mothers do, but in our hearts we knew this wouldn't be fair to the baby. At 20 and 18, respectively, my boyfriend and I did not have the maturity or education to give this baby what he deserved. We faced years of menial jobs while trying to earn a college degree. Living together unmarried was not an option, and we knew the statistics of how many young marriages fail. Keeping the baby would be putting his future at too great a risk.
We went to Wide Horizons adoption agency in West Hartford, and with their help and that of an Orthodox Christian organization called Zoe for Life, we started searching for our child's family. We found them in Canada, a couple just like us but older. They even had an adopted daughter with my sister's name and same white hair. As soon as we met them, we knew we had found our son's mom and dad.
Together the four of us decided upon a name - Nicholas Paul. My boyfriend and I discussed with the new parents seeing our son when he was older, and we asked if he would ever know about his biological parents. They told us that Nicholas would know everything we wanted him to know about us, and would have our picture by his bedside. He would know we acted out of love.
Now we waited for the months to pass. I took care of myself and finished my senior year of high school. I worked as long as I could to earn money for college in the fall. We tried not to think about how hard it was going to be delivering a baby but not bringing him home. We were lucky to have the support of family, friends, neighbors and my church throughout those months when I was so scared.
And then he was there. Our perfect baby boy was born March 13. At 8 pounds, 11 ounces and 21½ inches, he looked just like us. He had his father's cheekbones and ears, while sharing my long legs, hair color, nose and lips. We spent our time together in the hospital memorizing his features and the smell of his skin. He did not cry, only whimpered occasionally, which stopped when he gripped our fingers.
It was agony leaving without him; our hearts broke. But when pain threatened to overwhelm us, we remembered why we were doing this: We were being the best parents we could by giving our child the gift of a family through adoption.
Do we miss him? Yes. Do we cry? Yes. Do we regret our decision? No.
Someday we will be ready to be parents, but keeping Nicholas would have been selfish and he deserved better - we all deserved better.
Kelly Ranstead graduated from Granby Memorial High School in June. She will attend Neumann College in Aston, Pa, in the fall.
4
posted on
07/22/2003 10:08:49 AM PDT
by
r9etb
To: BillyBonebrake
I am always impressed by a young woman who can take so seriously the impact of her decisions on her children. I honor Miss Ranstead for putting the welfare of her child first.
5
posted on
07/22/2003 10:10:23 AM PDT
by
FourPeas
To: BillyBonebrake
Gee, sounds like Planned Parenthood is not so pro-choice: they only saw one option, not several choices. Boy, am I shocked.
6
posted on
07/22/2003 10:11:35 AM PDT
by
ClearCase_guy
(France delenda est)
To: r9etb
Thanks for reformatting this piece. I am especially glad to see how much emphasis was placed here on the openness of the adoption process. Today many women who choose abortion say they could never bear giving up their unwanted child to strangers and then not knowing what happened to the baby. In fact, that is a rare, rare scenario (and the birth-mother's choice if it does occur), at least here in the U.S.
7
posted on
07/22/2003 10:13:13 AM PDT
by
madprof98
To: FourPeas
But 3,299 other times DAILY, the decision is murder (I did say DAILY, didn't I?). God bless this young lady!
8
posted on
07/22/2003 10:14:01 AM PDT
by
laweeks
To: r9etb
Thanks for the re-format. I'm usually better than that. And I even know how to spell courageous, too, sometimes.
To: BillyBonebrake
Praise God!!!!!!!
10
posted on
07/22/2003 10:15:54 AM PDT
by
Saundra Duffy
(For victory & freedom!!!)
To: r9etb
Thanks for formatting this article for BillyBonebrake!
Heartwarming story!
Off topic, but inquiring minds need to know-
How did you come up with your screen name? ;-)
11
posted on
07/22/2003 10:19:31 AM PDT
by
MaryFromMichigan
(God made us Freepers, Prozac made us friends.)
To: BillyBonebrake
Our home pregnancy test came back positive. Panic-stricken, we rushed to Planned Parenthood, hoping against hope that this test would come back negative. We were not so lucky. Speaking through tears, we asked the nurse what to do. Instead of being given options, we were given one option - abortion. This, according to the Planned Parenthood nurse, would let us get on with our lives without anyone having known that I was pregnant. We told her that I was an Orthodox Christian and did not believe in abortion. That was the end of her help for us. Instead of advice, we got a terse "good luck" as we walked out the door.Bump.
12
posted on
07/22/2003 10:22:43 AM PDT
by
agrace
To: BillyBonebrake
Good for them!
The one part of the story I find so sad is when the Planned Parenthood people said the only option was abortion. Never mind adoption. Never mind giving the child a chance to live.
If there is anything I hate, it's abortion--and the reason people get it. I hate it when the women think, "Oh, this baby is going to ruin my life, I'll get an abortion". For gosh sakes, lady, YOU fooled around, and pregancy is the result of YOUR actions. Don't go blaming it on an innocent child--it never asked to be there!
Abortion is a cruel, heartless way of saying, "It's not my fault" when it truly is.
I applaud these people for their decision to give their child up for adoption. God bless them.
13
posted on
07/22/2003 10:40:02 AM PDT
by
4mycountry
(Over-achiever extraordinare!)
To: BillyBonebrake
I am always impressed by a young woman who can take so seriously the impact of her decisions on her children. I honor Miss Ranstead for putting the welfare of her child first.
14
posted on
07/22/2003 10:41:20 AM PDT
by
FourPeas
To: BillyBonebrake
Last week I was with my ten-month old son in a Stop and Shop in Clinton, CT. She asked me the name of my son and I told her Aleksander.
She then told me she was due in one month. So I asked her if she knew whether it was a boy or girl. She said boy. I asked her if she had picked out a name.
She said the boy's name would be Mason but that she didn't pick the name. She then told me the boy was to be adopted by a couple in Texas. She said, somewhat disappointedly, that Mason is a popular name in Texas.
I was both dismayed and impressed at the same time. She clearly was making a difficult decision to give up her son to new family.
My first reaction when she told me was due was, "Oh no, here we go again. Another child bearing a child. Up go the welfare rolls."
I wished her luck and went home.
If I should see her again I will be more prepared and tell her "God bless you for your generosity". I would also like to tell her that God has child in your future when you are ready. I probably won't because I am afraid that people here in CT are very closed and not open to this kind of thing.
15
posted on
07/22/2003 11:16:06 AM PDT
by
raybbr
To: FourPeas
I'm impressed with her too. Trouble is, she is VERY atypical of teenagers who end up accidentally pregnant. Way too many who decide to carry to term aren't mature enough to give up their cute cuddlesome new plaything, and keep it for a for a few years, through a series of boyfriends and increasing neglect, until authorities finally step in to seize the now nearly unadoptable child. Then the mom's and/or the biological fathers refuse to relinquish custody, and the poor child bounces around the notorious foster care system, while the courts fiddle around for a few years. Finally, courts get around to declaring the children -- by now severely troubled and angry adolescents, and absolutely unadoptable -- "available for adoption". It's nice when the story turns out like the one above, but it's rare enough not to be a reasonable basis for PP's counseling policies.
To: 4mycountry
The one part of the story I find so sad is when the Planned Parenthood people said the only option that makes Planned Parenthood any money was abortion.
To: BillyBonebrake
We told her that I was an Orthodox Christian and did not believe in abortion
*But not premarital sex? I was raised as a Roman Catholic and was told sex was marriage and all that. I believe my parents were right and so I'm still a virgin.
18
posted on
07/22/2003 1:37:44 PM PDT
by
cyborg
(i'm a mutt american)
To: r9etb
But we finally realized that the solution couldn't be about us. That is about the size of it.
Everybody makes mistakes. Some people own up to them and do their best to make amends. Some people compound their mistakes by lying, even killing.
To: Tooters
How did you come up with your screen name? ;-) Further off-topic than you know -- it was what I used to use as a drop-off address for computer output (it was a mainframe system, with a far-off centralized printer facility).
20
posted on
07/22/2003 1:47:59 PM PDT
by
r9etb
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