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you don't speak for star jones and you Obviously don't know her like I do. Star couldn't care less about her career, her health or her appearance. her all consuming passion is competitive eating and her time on the view and other tv shows is just to raise money for her next eating stunt. i sat next to star jones on a san fransico to raleigh north Carolina flight recently and found her somewhat aloof, indefensably porcine, and beligerantly drunk. in fact, if it weren't for her celebrity status, i'm sure she would have been kicked off the plane. as it was, she was calmed only by airline employees feeding her the crew's meals, 7 first class entres, 9 coach meals, a garbage bag full of smoked almonds, and inexplicably, several hot towelets. "Bring me another box of wine!" she roared, and the crew submitted to her demands. Shortly, she fell asleep, a rumpled, crumb covered mess, with hair akimbo, and an industrial strength girlde badly askew. shortly before our decent into Raleigh, she awoke with a a thunderous belch. however, her demeanor was completely different. it takes superhuman effort and ability to metabolize that much alcohol, but indeed she'd done it. the star Jones i knew from watching endless episodes of the view was back. We chatted beguilingly about the carolina pulled pork eating contest she was going to be participating in the next day. she confided in me that on more than one occasion she'd eaten an entire pig in one form or another, and also sadly relayed to me that her days of competitive eating could soon be over. it seems that an incident that took place aboard a peter pan bus from new york to akron ohio in which she was falesly accused of stealing all the other passenger's food through strong armed tactics had led a draconian judge to sentence her to have a gastric bypass operation. i hope you will all join me in praying for ms. jones' court mandated surgery to go well and for her to enjoy her new career as a competitive eating analyst.

Owl_Eagle

" WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
DIVERSITY IS STRENGTH"

Mr. Eagle,

Two years ago, on our first flight since 9/11 and already feeling as nervous as I thought we could get, my wife and I were on a flight from Honolulu to N.Y., and who should we be sitting behind but international bon vivant and television star, Star Jones! I thought she was having a bad reaction to the stress of flying combined with perhaps a glass of wine or some Xanax, but alas, after reading of your experience, I see that this may be a pattern.

Although she was returning from a stint as a judge at the 34th Annual International Poi & PuPu Cook-off, she was ravenous, demanding whatever food the stewardesses had on their carts. People sitting behind her were beginning to voice their displeasure, due to their meals being consumed by the rotund raconteur. Soon, the passengers were getting into an uproar, causing the captain and his crew to get involved to try and soothe their passions.

Ms. Jones sat there oblivious to all but her gastric demands! The crew finally gave in and tried to placate her by dedicating one steward, a very buff and butch young man named Rod who had the most fabulous hair, to bring meals, snack food items, soft drinks, liquor, and wine directly to her seat, or I should say, seats.

This worked for about 15 minutes, but she then sprang from her seat, or more accurately, lurched and staggered much like a wounded hippo recovering from a Seconal overdose, forced her way to the aisle on the other side of the jumbojet, and started taking the food earmarked for the other passengers.

When they complained she bellowed out, "Do you know who I am?!?! Do you?!?!" She then produced, from one of the rolls formed by the seemingly limitless flesh of her busom, an 11" X 14" scrapbook, complete with press clippings and photos from her role on "The View" and her many appearances on such programs as David Letterman's "Late Show" and Jay Leno's "Tonight Show," a 1998 appearance on "All My Children," and what she said was her crowning and proudest achievement: Being the first human to ever double as a parade float during the 2003 Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parade.

"Aren't you that nice lady from "Give Me a Break? I loved that show!" said Mrs. Herbert L. Schoenhoeffer of Omaha.

"I am Starlet Marie Jones, an' don't you forget it, suckas!" she roared as the plane's right wing dipped toward the rolling waves of the Pacific due to the sudden weight shift within the cabin. I was shocked to say the least; I had never thought of her as being the type of celebrity to use her immense status for unfair advantage over the common folk.

She then grabbed a fully-loaded cart and tried to fling it against the fuselage wall, a la Peter Buck of R.E.M. in his infamous run-in with British Air officials a few years ago.

Just then, a quick-thinking trio of Navy Seals returning from R&R, quietly observing the incident as they sat in their civilian clothing, leapt into action. One opened the side door of the cabin (a testament to the desperation and gathering danger of the situation, to be sure) as the other two grabbed Ms. Jones from behind and maneuvered her towards an eventual date with the blue Pacific below.

But, as fate would have it, and fortunately for ABC's ratings, the sheer girth of its star, enhanced as it was by the giga-caloric binge of this episode, prevented her from being pushed through. She instead served as a makeshift door, hermetically sealing the opening for the rest of the flight and allowing the other passengers to consume whatever scraps had been left in the wake of what my wife refers to as "Hurricane Jones!" We'll surely never forget our brush with this talented and entertaining young lady!

Henry Lee II
"Leftists are crazed and violent people,
With the blood of millions on their hands.”