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Singles confess shocking 1st date behavior
match.com ^ | Monday, August 25, 2003 | Margot Carmichael Lester

Posted on 08/25/2003 3:24:27 PM PDT by FoxPro

Singles confess shocking 1st date behavior

Margot Carmichael Lester, Match.com

Tiptoeing through the two lips is in, according to online singles. In a recent poll, we asked how far their lips would go on a first date, and their responses were unexpectedly frank.

The results reveal that almost as many singles share a deep kiss goodnight as share a deep kiss good morning. In fact, slightly more singles (25 percent) were still together the morning after their dates as those who French-kissed (24 percent) or gave a quick smooch on the smacker (22 percent) before parting ways the night before.

Once upon a time, these statistics would have been scandalous. But in today's more relaxed society, should we be surprised that more people are doing more on the first date?

According to Emily Dubberly, sexpert and founder of Cliterati.co.uk, the answer is no.

"The media has played a huge part in things," Dubberly says. From the rather high-brow Sex and the City and Coupling to the decidedly low-brow dregs of certain reality television shows, the discussion of sex and relationships is no longer the stuff of late-night TV.

"Women are more relaxed about their own sexuality thanks to shows like Sex and the City," Dubberly notes. "They realize that they aren't 'bad' girls if they sleep with men — and men are slowly beginning to realize it too."

And that, she says, has allowed the ladies to stop focusing on the One, instead giving a nod to some One. "Women like sex and are less prepared to wait for the One to get it," Dubberly explains. "Women know that Mr. Right takes some finding, and Mr. Right Now can be a good way to pass the time."

The power of the pucker We asked singles for their thoughts on kissing — and more — on the first date. Here's what they said:

"It's too confusing to have good chemistry and not explore kissing at the end of a date," says Sam, 32, from New York. "If I get along with someone and we laugh a lot, I am going for the big lip-on-lip make-out kiss. In fact, over half of my last few dates ended lip-locked."

For some, kissing is a crucial barometer. "If I don't like the guy, I won't kiss him," says Joanna, 34, from Memphis. "But if I do like him, I need to kiss him to see whether he's worth dating a second time or not." And, she adds, "Kissing is a pretty reliable preview of how a guy will be in bed."

But what about more than kissing?

And the power of… "Some 'dates' are not really dates but an overdue chance for two people who already have had some time to get acquainted online and on the phone to actually be with each other," explains Oahu-based Yin, 40. "The fact that the first 'date' might be hot really should be no surprise."

Kaile, 25, of Washington, D.C., sees it a little differently. "Sleeping together on the first date may be fine for some — and there's nothing wrong with it. But waiting for a while to sleep together, to me at least, indicates a level of intended seriousness about the relationship."

Some see sex as a way to get to know someone better. It can seal the deal — or break it. Still others are just looking for some fun.

Each angle is valid. The only glitch is if you and your partner aren't on the same page.

"You've got to make sure your partner knows your intentions," says Dan, 28, of Newport, R.I., "because the worst is when you see the interaction as 'just sex' or casual and she sees it as a declaration of love or commitment."

So does the new sexual paradigm mean singles are giving up on love in the name of a good time? Not at all.

"Sex and love are no longer seen as things that have to go together," Dubberly says. "Although, obviously, it's fantastic if you get both."

Margot Carmichael Lester is a relationships and sex expert whose straight talk advice and commentary appears regularly in Playboy and on Match.com, Sex-Kitten.net and other outlets. She also runs Bed-Tested, a company dedicated to the candid discussion of relationships, sex and sexuality, and offers stimulating expertise via individual consultation and public seminars.



TOPICS: Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: dating; kissing; singles
And the war continues.
1 posted on 08/25/2003 3:24:28 PM PDT by FoxPro
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To: FoxPro
"Women are more relaxed about their own sexuality thanks to shows like Sex and the City," Dubberly notes. "They realize that they aren't 'bad' girls if they sleep with men — and men are slowly beginning to realize it too."

Good heavens. I happened to watch a single episode of this show once, and anyone of either gender who gets any kind of direction from it is among the most shallow, infantile "adults" on the planet.

2 posted on 08/25/2003 3:27:38 PM PDT by Alberta's Child
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To: FoxPro
Cliterati?!?!?
3 posted on 08/25/2003 3:32:24 PM PDT by D_Idaho
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To: FoxPro
Actually it takes about 3 dates. And if she will date you the second time then you have about a 90% chance on the third date.
4 posted on 08/25/2003 3:32:40 PM PDT by FoxPro
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To: Alberta's Child
I saw an article about sex and the city, where it claimed they are responsible for the newest craze in the highest (3" and above)and most brutal heels.

In fact, podiatrists are doing big business from this show. Some are even being asked to operate so people can fit their feet into the abnormal shapes of the shoes.

I never hear a single redeeming thing about this show.
5 posted on 08/25/2003 3:43:26 PM PDT by I still care
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To: FoxPro
I date all the time and I always wait for the woman to make the first move. I've currently dating 2 or 3 girls now, we've been out 10 times and I haven't gone for a kiss goodnight yet.
I guess being a gentleman is out... that or I need a first base coach.
6 posted on 08/25/2003 3:45:11 PM PDT by The Brush
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To: FoxPro
The only glitch is if you and your partner aren't on the same page.

My. The only glitch? I guess that AIDS, VD, unplanned pregnancies, rape, abuse, and becoming prematurely emotionally invested through physical intimacy are no longer "glitches" in the new millenium.

7 posted on 08/25/2003 3:49:06 PM PDT by kezekiel
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To: kezekiel
Gee, I wonder if anyone sees a correlation to the divorce rate?
8 posted on 08/25/2003 3:51:28 PM PDT by apackof2
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To: Alberta's Child
>>...anyone of either gender who gets any kind of direction from it is among the most shallow, infantile "adults" on the planet...<<

From what I've seen, there are a lot of those out there.

9 posted on 08/25/2003 3:51:52 PM PDT by FReepaholic (My other tag line is hilarious.)
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To: FoxPro
A wise friend of man gave me two pieces of advice long ago:

1) Never date a woman that has more tattoos than you do.

2) If she'll do it with you on the 1st date, she'll do it with any man.
10 posted on 08/25/2003 3:55:50 PM PDT by L,TOWM (Liberals, The Other White Meat)
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To: L,TOWM
This is true.
11 posted on 08/25/2003 3:57:05 PM PDT by FoxPro
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To: D_Idaho
Cliterati?!?!?

You took the word right out of my mouth!

I mean, uh, *blush*

12 posted on 08/25/2003 4:02:12 PM PDT by null and void (nevermind...)
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To: The Brush
Based on my own experience, 3 to 4 weeks worked well for me. I preferred to
have the woman make the "final" move, at that point there wasn't any room for
any misunderstandings. Each woman admitted that they would have preferred me to make the first move.

They also had doubts as to whether I liked them or not since I didn't make the first move. I believe it is always a good move to go for the kiss good night, even if you prefer to ask before going for the kiss. If you get rejected, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you, but atleast she knows you like her enough to want to kiss her.

13 posted on 08/25/2003 4:02:53 PM PDT by Fpimentel
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To: FoxPro
Blind Date bump.
14 posted on 08/25/2003 4:03:56 PM PDT by waterstraat
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To: Fpimentel
< They also had doubts as to whether I liked them or not since I didn't make the first move. I believe it is always a good move to go for the kiss good night,. . . If you get rejected, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you, but atleast she knows you like her enough to want to kiss her.
>

It's alright to try.
15 posted on 08/25/2003 4:19:25 PM PDT by GOP_Proud
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To: null and void
What is Cliterati?
16 posted on 08/25/2003 4:25:07 PM PDT by FoxPro
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To: L,TOWM
If she'll do it with you on the 1st date, she'll do it with any man.

Not exactly.

While it is true that:
If she will do it with you on the first date, she'll do it with any man.
If she will do it with me on the first date, it only means she is a normal woman faced with an overwhelming sexual attraction.

So9

17 posted on 08/25/2003 4:26:55 PM PDT by Servant of the Nine (A Goldwater Republican)
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To: FoxPro
What is Cliterati?

Literati are people who are experts in literature,
so,
Cliterati are people who are experts in Clitori.

So9

18 posted on 08/25/2003 4:30:49 PM PDT by Servant of the Nine (A Goldwater Republican)
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To: Servant of the Nine
lol
19 posted on 08/25/2003 4:32:13 PM PDT by FoxPro
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To: FoxPro
"But waiting for a while to sleep together, to me at least, indicates a level of intended seriousness about the relationship."

That sounds right to me, but your mileage may vary ;-)

20 posted on 08/25/2003 4:33:27 PM PDT by Huck
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To: kezekiel
I really don't think that "becoming emotionally invested", prematurely or otherwise, is much of an issue for people who are hopping into bed with a series of people they just met. Any more than a tomcat beomes "emotionally invested" in the female cat down the block that he screws once because she happened to be in heat. For a lot of people, sex is just sex, and nothing more.
21 posted on 08/25/2003 5:20:33 PM PDT by GovernmentShrinker
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To: Servant of the Nine
A whore will sleep with anybody on the first date.

A b*tch will sleep with anybody on the first date, except you.
22 posted on 08/25/2003 5:38:22 PM PDT by SAMWolf (This tagline will self-destruct in five seconds.)
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To: The Brush
we've been out 10 times and I haven't gone for a kiss goodnight yet.

Uhmmm.  That isn't being a gentleman.  That's fear of intimacy.
23 posted on 08/25/2003 6:37:50 PM PDT by gcruse (http://gcruse.typepad.com/)
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To: FoxPro
Yeah, the 3rd date has been considered the "sex date" for a while now, but if this poll is any indication we're moving nearer the front-end of the courtship cycle....

Less buck for the bang, as it were.

If the trend continues, will we not even have to go through the first date, but just go straight to the sex? I think that's called the spring break strategy.
24 posted on 08/25/2003 6:43:38 PM PDT by squidly
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To: FoxPro
What is Cliterati?

Sort of like a Maserati but more pink and glistening.
25 posted on 08/25/2003 6:44:06 PM PDT by tet68
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To: FoxPro
What is Cliterati?

It is sort of an Italian sports car with mud flaps!

Once you drive one it feels so good and tight you want to drive it all night. It will handle anything you throw at it and will come back for more. I saw one once at a car show.

26 posted on 08/25/2003 6:49:32 PM PDT by Radioactive
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To: SAMWolf
I'll take the bitch, thanks.
27 posted on 08/25/2003 6:49:38 PM PDT by m18436572 (No matter how many headaches !)
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To: FoxPro
Calling Mr. Right Now!!! (Uh, not really.)
28 posted on 08/25/2003 6:51:42 PM PDT by Ciexyz
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To: gcruse
Uhmmm. That isn't being a gentleman. That's fear of intimacy.

I still say I need a first base "coach".

29 posted on 08/25/2003 8:51:35 PM PDT by The Brush
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To: The Brush
I wonder if they asked Kobe for a comment.
30 posted on 08/25/2003 9:48:00 PM PDT by Tymesup
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To: Servant of the Nine
Riiiiiiggggghhhhhhttt....

;-)
31 posted on 08/26/2003 5:50:42 AM PDT by L,TOWM (Liberals, The Other White Meat)
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To: The Brush
2 or 3 girls, 10 dates each, and no kiss? You're not dating, you have pals who happen to have breasts.
32 posted on 09/05/2003 8:54:09 AM PDT by Melas
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To: Melas
LOL.
33 posted on 09/05/2003 8:57:58 AM PDT by stevio
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To: D_Idaho
Sounds like a better group to join than the Illuminati.

Those meetings must be wild.
34 posted on 09/05/2003 9:01:05 AM PDT by GraniteStateConservative (Inconceivable!)
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To: FoxPro
This was SO written by a woman. She still sees this through the eyes of having a "relationship." Young somen have been taught that sex is the only way to get a man. The sluttier, the better.
35 posted on 09/05/2003 9:08:32 AM PDT by Hildy
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To: FoxPro
And evil is winning now, thanks to Hollyweird, un-controlled TV soft porn fare, Playboy and other porno media. Say goodbye to morality, maybe forever or until Soddom and Gomorrah are destroyed. Immorality and RATS go together.
36 posted on 09/05/2003 9:20:53 AM PDT by Paulus Invictus (Freerepublic.com is eTruth!)
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To: The Brush; Fpimentel
We are, obviously, gentlemen, and have been trained by our fathers (despite the best attempts of current society) to respect women, and to take a more "old fashioned" approach to dating.

Fpimentel is right, from my experience (limited). It has always worked well to "ask" for a kiss goodnight ("may I give you a kiss goodnight?"). While it of course sounds corny to us guys the girls are flattered.

If you wait too long and don't make any "moves", the girl will either lose interest or think you are sending signals that you are not interested in her. Personally I wait for a few dates before going for the kiss. If after a few dates, I am feeling that I like the girl, and want to continue the relationship in that direction, asking for a goodnight kiss is a good method, IMHO.



What say the rest of you?
37 posted on 09/05/2003 10:14:37 AM PDT by bc2 (http://www.thinkforyourself.us)
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To: The Brush
...we've been out 10 times and I haven't gone for a kiss goodnight yet.

Bad move. By that point you're relegating yourself to the "friend zone" and are no longer being viewed as a potential romance.

38 posted on 09/05/2003 10:22:25 AM PDT by PBRSTREETGANG
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To: bc2
We are, obviously, gentlemen, and have been trained by our fathers (despite the best attempts of current society) to respect women, and to take a more "old fashioned" approach to dating.

I hear stories of men who have gone for "the brass ring" on the first date and I don't get it. The annoying thing is that it often works. I don't want a woman who gives in that easily nor do I want to be someone whth that approach.
When I find the woman that makes my heart flutter I'll know it and act on my feelings in time. For now I'm enjoying the company of many different women and taking notes.

39 posted on 09/05/2003 1:29:03 PM PDT by The Brush
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To: bc2
Sounds like a good plan to me.
40 posted on 09/05/2003 1:50:09 PM PDT by MEGoody
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To: The Brush
yeah, well it depends on what you're looking for at the time...Just don't be afraid of making a move. Dating is a lot like dancing, and you've got to know when to lead (insecurity is not attractive to most women, except for those that like to "corrupt" the shy types :D )
41 posted on 09/05/2003 2:02:46 PM PDT by Johnbalaya
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