Posted on 08/29/2003 4:50:08 PM PDT by Pokey78
'BBC News. Alastair Campbell angrily denied today that he was responsible for the claim that Mars is 'only' 34 million miles from Earth. The controversial assertion is said to have further damaged the last shreds of the Blair Government's shattered credibility.
According to a poll, 57 per cent of Britons now believe they were deliberately misled and that the live photograph of the so-called Red Planet is either a hot-air balloon tethered to the top of the London Eye or an aerial shot of Cherie Blair's bottom after over-vigorous massaging by Carole Caplin… Hang on, isn't this the sort of thing that got us into trouble in the first place?"
Ron, my producer, sighed. "Just be a sweetie and read the script, will you? It's vitally important for press freedom in this country that we demonstrate that the BBC can't be muzzled. Unless it's a Holiday '73 production-team reunion in Frank Bough's basement, of course."
"Gotcha," I said. "So then we go to the shot of Tony Blair getting out of a car while reporters shout questions about allegations that he's refusing to respond to allegations that he's refusing to deny allegations. The same shot we used last night."
"Exactly," said Ron. "But it's beautifully directed. And then we move to the Hutton Inquiry for a clip of the BBC chairman launching an extraordinary attack on the Government for its extraordinary attack on the BBC for its extraordinary attack on the Government."
"OK," I said, beginning to get my headache again.
"And then, after the chairman's attack on the Government's incredible attack on the BBC's credibility, we go to some bloke from the Telegraph attacking the chairman's defence of the BBC's credibility as simply incredible. That way we reinforce our credibility."
"Well, all right," I said, "but do we have to disparage the whole Mars thing? I'm incredibly moved whenever I contemplate the vast unending emptiness of space."
"Tell me about it," said Ron. "I worked on BBC News 24."
"I mean, as a matter of objective reality, Mars is out there, approximately 34 million miles from Earth. So the central claim of our report that Alastair Campbell faked the whole thing is itself fake."
"Well, it's fake in the very narrow sense of being not true. But in the broader climate of general concern about the Government's credibility it's perfectly legitimate."
"Yes, but we created the broader climate of general concern about the Government's credibility," I pointed out.
"Yes, but our concern about their credibility is more credible than their concern about our credibility."
"Okay," I said, doubtfully. "And then we cross live to Andrew Gilligan at Luton Airport."
"I'm here now, Mark," my famous colleague yelled in my earpiece, "and I can tell you there are definitely no Martians at the airport."
"Isn't that a bit of a red herring?"
"There are no red herrings at the airport, either, Mark, no matter what the Americans may have told you."
"Do you have a reliable source for that?"
"Absolutely. I find with red herring you can't go wrong with a ginger-soy and Portobello mushroom sauce. Never fails. It's simmering on low heat right now, but any minute it'll be blowing the lid off and dripping all over Alastair Campbell."
"And is it true that you've emailed planted questions to MPs on the new select committee investigating whether you'd planted questions to MPs on the original select committee?"
"Mark, that is a planted question."
"No, it's not. I thought of it myself."
"Au contraire, if you look at your laptop, you'll see I emailed it to you an hour ago."
I glanced down at the screen. "That's amazing."
"The point is," he continued, "at least three of us used Dr Kelly as our source, and we got three completely different versions of what happened. If that doesn't demonstrate the BBC's commitment to balance, I don't know what does."
We were getting near to airtime, so I thought it best to check the running order. "Okay, Ron, let me get this straight. Who's on first? What's on second? And I dunno's on third."
"That's right," said Ron. "Hoon's on first. Watts's on second. And Adenauer's on third."
"That's what I just asked."
"Geoff Hoon's on first. He's saying firmly that the buck should have stopped here, but it was delayed by engineering works and diverted via Northampton. Susan Watts is on second. She's got a long, sober, balanced 20-minute report with a sensational revelation buried 18 minutes in. And we've got some archive footage of Konrad Adenauer to show how much better they handle these things on the Continent."
I shovelled down another 12 aspirin. "Maybe it's just the lack of sleep," I said, "but when I listen to you and Gavyn and Andrew and Susan and even me, I can't help feeling we all sound completely unbalanced."
Greg Dyke popped his head round the door. "Don't worry, lad. I think that goes to show that, here at the BBC, we're getting the unbalanced just about right.''
"The point is," he continued, "at least three of us used Dr Kelly as our source, and we got three completely different versions of what happened. If that doesn't demonstrate the BBC's commitment to balance, I don't know what does."
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