You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.
. . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
Ok gang, it's someone else's turn.
The old prospector walked his old mule into a western town after six months alone in the desert without a drop of whiskey. He stopped at the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing off the dust, a gunslinger came out of the saloon with his gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the old man and laughed. "Hey, old man! Have you ever danced?"
The prospector said, "Nope. Never had no hankerin' to."
The gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the man's feet.
Everybody laughed as the poor old prospector hopped around the street.
When the gunslinger's weapon was empty, he holstered it, and headed back into the saloon.
The prospector grabbed his shotgun from the mule's pack and cocked both hammers. Everyone heard the loud click, including the gunslinger and the street got real quiet, real fast.
The gunslinger slowly turned around and found himself staring straight down the shotgun's barrels.
The prospector quietly asked him, "So, young man! Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and then said, "Nope. But I always had a hankerin' to!"
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And my favorite: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching"
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a Whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".