Posted on 10/30/2008 8:52:07 PM PDT by restornu
You know that rule about how teenagers aren't supposed to date until they're 16? Does anyone remember how old that rule is?
I'm 57. That rule was already in place when I got to dating age in 1967.
It never affected me much. It's not like girls were clinging to their phones, hoping I'd call. Plus, I didn't get a driver's license till I was 23. That really crimps a guy's style.
In our ward in Greensboro, N.C., that rule seems to be universally respected. Including the often-ignored stipulations that even at 16, they should be group dates, so that couples aren't alone together until they're 18 or older.
But I suspect that our ward is actually unusual.
I keep hearing stories. And seeing examples. I remember one ward I was in where the bishop and his wife decided that their daughter was so "mature" that she could date at 15.
And a good friend of mine -- a lifelong church member -- told me the other day about what happened when she was 14. The "boy of her dreams" asked her on a date. He was a Mormon kid, and he was 16.
Of course, at age 14, and believing herself to be in love, she yearned to go on the date. And so she asked her parents, knowing that these strait-laced, conservative parents would say no.
Only they didn't. They said, "You're so mature and dependable, we've decided you can go."
My friend was outwardly grateful, but inside she was saying to herself, "What? Now I actually have to go! What will I do! I'm not ready for this dating thing!"
Over the next couple of years till she turned 16, her parents were hot and cold on this point. Sometimes they'd say yes. Sometimes they'd say, "Let's stick to the church rule."
They did her no favor at all.
When the church first instituted these rules, they didn't seem all that radical. Now, though, I see the dating age get younger and younger in the world around us. Fourteen, 13, 12 ... even younger.
Of course, before age 16 somebody else has to do the driving. But that's part of the problem. Adults openly sanction their children's pairing up at ridiculously young ages.
Another thing has happened. The word "dating," at least for older teenagers, has been sliding along toward coming to mean what it now seems to mean for adults: "hooking up," "in an exclusive sexual relationship."
It's been 20 years since Phil Donahue pronounced that "You can't stop kids from having sex." Even then, the statement was obviously false. Back in the early 1950s, without easy birth control, without legal abortion (and with illegal abortion extremely rare), but with 16-year-old drivers and drive-in movies, the number of illegitimate births in our country was minuscule.
Now, with birth control and easy, legal abortion, we have millions of babies born to unwed mothers.
How were we stopping kids from having sex back in the 1950s?
Repression, folks!
People talk as if that were some kind of crime against nature, to impose sexual repression on our children (and on single adults!), but there has never been a shred of evidence suggesting that repressing your sexual urges between puberty and marriage ever caused anybody to explode. Or even get a headache.
Back when we taught our kids that good people don't have sex when they're not married, back when we chaperoned dates, back when no respectable girl would go into a bedroom alone with a guy -- and no respectable guy would ask her to -- we actually did succeed in stopping the vast majority of kids from having sex.
Now, we practically push them into it.
Our TV shows take it for granted that except for a "you gotta really really really love him" speech from an utterly helpless parent, there is no barrier to teenagers having sex and no reason to consider it to be a problem.
But it is a problem. It's a devastating, life-ruining problem for millions of girls who give birth to babies and then try to raise them without a husband and father.
Which brings me back to those Mormon parents who decide their child is "more mature than average" and so they grant an exemption to the rule.
Let me make it plain, O ye my fellow parents: It's our responsibility to keep our children from having sex until they're ready to marry.
There is no child under 16 who has any need for or will derive any benefit from dating.
There is no child under 18 who is ready for unchaperoned dating. "Maturity" is irrelevant.
If you make exemptions for your teenagers, you hurt them and all the other Mormon kids whose parents are trying to help keep them safe and unspotted from the world.
You not only expose them to the risks of early dating -- especially given the way the world defines it these days -- but you also teach them to treat the teachings of the prophets with contempt.
In our ward, all the parents support each other, and our kids all understand that part of being Mormon, of being different from the rest of the world, is that we follow the church's rules on dating.
Even if you have already granted exemptions to any of your kids, gather them together in family home evening and openly repent. "We should not have let you (or your older brother or sister) date before age 16. We showed disrespect for the teachings of the prophets and we exposed our beloved children to needless risk. It will not happen again. This is going to be a family that obeys the rules."
And when you get the inevitable whining, you give the same answer again and again: "We love you too much to endanger you. We love the gospel too much to ignore the prophets. We love our fellow Saints too much to make it harder for them to live by the rules."
And your exceptionally mature kids will understand and comply.
CTR
CTR
I know its like talking to choir
I pestered my parents so much I got to date at 15. I wish they had made me wait till 18.
It was the rule in our household for our kids (and the last one just turned 18). In fact, it was worse than that. We had to meet (face-to-face) any young man who wanted to take our daughter out. Needless to say, the few dates she did have were with real young men who weren’t afraid to abide by the standard.
At least the suspense and pain are less.
/johnny
“Out” is too big a place to take my daughter.
That was a sticking point for my kids, as well.
My 21 year old daughter brought a man to the house that I didn't approve of on sight (he had obviously fallen down in a bait shop, on the metal lures isle). I held his hand extra long in the handshake clench, and when he asked how I was... I replied... "Bout half tight, somewhat pissed off, and packing. How about you?" We never saw that young man again.
/johnny
The 16 rule was in place when I was growing up. Of course, I was so busy with sports and clubs and schoolwork I didn’t have time to date. I had a total of two dates in HS and both of those where double dates. Didn’t really date until college.
I think kids that are into early dating probably don’t have much else going on in their lives. They’re bored and the parents are AWOL.
Church “rule” is 16. Like hell. My daughter ain’t datin nobody till she’s 21 or moved out and I can’t say anything about it anymore.
Kids are trying to grow up too fast these days.
I've told mine they are on restriction until they're 27. They say “Oh, DAD!!” but they smile.
My mom was pregnant at 15, and delivered me about a month before she turned 16. I met their mom when she was 15, started dating her when she was 16, and married her shortly after she turned 17. It was pretty damned rocky for quite a while, and being a decade older than her really didn't help much. We've now been married for closing on 27 years, and finally we're both all grown up now. I am NOT letting that happen to my kids.
My father-in-law thinks it is hilarious that I have TWO daughters... Now, I'm afraid I can see his point.
Early dating does nothing but inculcate a child with the idea that relationships are made to last no more than 4 weeks and be ditched at the first sign of difficulty.
She resists some of these rules a bit, but not much. She's a typical teenager, testing the limits and if Mom & Dad really mean what they say. Her first dating experience was a bad one - she broke the rules, the date was unauthorized and she did not have a double or chaperone. My wife was inspired to be at the right place at the right time to save her from a bad situation. My teen learned from that and has been more eager to comply.
How do your children deal with other teens bugging them about not having an interest in dating. My son has tried to explain to his so-called best friend many times that he has other things to focus on and he doesn't get it. He has had other kids imply he's gay, because he;s not a girl crazy twit.
As a youth I was very boy crazy, so am very proud of my children for being able to focus better than I did.
I think the date has gone the way of the dodo, at least for teenagers. When I was a teen in the 90’s, nobody “dated”- kids tended to hang out in mixed groups and couples would come out of that setting. But the whole boy-girl date was fairly rare.
I have 3 daughters and they know the rule; no dating until you are 17 and the young man has to come and ask me nose to nose.
Thats the rule no execptions.
Mrs. RB and I are in agreement on that one and our daughters 12,10 and 5 understand.
at least until they turn 16.....
In our house, our daughter knows she can’t date until she has a CHL license [that’s 21 in Texas]; and I take it as a personal mission to ensure that she shoots better than any guy she does date.
Good comments from Mr. Card. Chaperones are good, too. My daughter went on a date (bowling) that included her little brother and the boy’s little brother.
Courtship is a word we've used many times when explaining things to our teenaged daughter. It will become a more prominent thing in her dating when she's over 18. We will encourage her to spend time in a natural, family environment with her suitors, not rely upon "dates" where each person is not themselves but dressed to impress, eating out all the time, and engaging solely in entertainment.
How do your children deal with other teens bugging them about not having an interest in dating. My son has tried to explain to his so-called best friend many times that he has other things to focus on and he doesn't get it. He has had other kids imply he's gay, because he;s not a girl crazy twit.
It was a problem when we lived in Arizona. But we just recently moved to Utah and most of the kids their age are supposed to have these same standards. So, it is easy for them to explain their standards to others since most of their friends have heard such standards explained multiple times in church.
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