Posted on 05/15/2011 7:27:30 PM PDT by TheDingoAteMyBaby
John Evans is in no hurry to get married.
The 25-year-old returned LDS missionary lives with his parents, works full time, takes night classes toward an English degree and, with law school looming, is building up his savings.
Evans goes on dates, but they tend to be expensive so he prefers developing friendships first. Sometimes he finds it easier just to hang out with the guys at his Mormon fraternity.
“My dating pace is right for me,” Evans says. “I don’t feel stressed.”
That kind of modern nonchalance is what may be worrying LDS President Thomas S. Monson and other Mormon leaders, who addressed the issue at the church’s recent General Conference.
“Brethren, there is a point at which it’s time to think seriously about marriage and to seek a companion with whom you want to spend eternity,” Monson said at an all-male priesthood meeting.
“If you choose wisely and if you are committed to the success of your marriage, there is nothing in this life which will bring you greater happiness.”
Apostle Richard G. Scott spoke even more emphatically the next day.
“If you are a young man of appropriate age and are not married, don’t waste time in idle pursuits,” Scott urged. “Get on with life and focus on getting married. Don’t just coast through this period of life.”
Their concern is natural. After all, marriage is a core Mormon teaching and temple marriage is a prerequisite for the highest Mormon heaven.
But LDS leaders may be fighting a cultural shift. Traditional dating is almost a quaint custom on college campuses, where hanging out in groups and casual sex “hook ups” are increasingly common. Students also are worried about their financial stability.
“People in the country are pairing up,” says Brigham Young University sociologist Marie Cornwall, who teaches a class in family and social change. “They’re just not getting married.”
Past church presidents also counseled young Mormon men not to delay marriage, but there is a new urgency.
The median age for a first marriage in the U.S. has climbed to 25.8 for women and 27.4 for men. In heavily Mormon Utah, the median age for first-time brides has jumped from 20 in 1970 to 22 in 2008, and from 22 to 24 for men.
So what’s slowing down Mormons?
The picture is complicated, especially in individual cases, social scientists and LDS teachers say, but a clear trend is evident: Today’s young Mormons are not nearly as confident in the future, in their economic well-being or in their choices as their parents were.
“I really do plan on finding someone,” Evans says, “and getting married.”
Just not yet.
Monson placed the blame for Mormon men’s marital foot-dragging on financial anxiety, insistence on finding a “soul mate” and having too much fun being single. Yet there is no shame in a couple having to “scrimp and save,” Monson assured the young men. “You will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice,” he said.
He told them not to insist on finding the perfect mate, but rather a young woman “with whom you can be compatible.” A previous LDS prophet, Spencer W. Kimball, once called the idea of a “soul mate” a “fiction and an illusion.”
The issue of finding the perfect match seems especially prevalent on LDS-dominated campuses, said David Dollahite, who teaches marriage and family relations at BYU. It produces a kind of “market mentality,” Dollahite said.
“The young men think, ‘I am dating a 9.7, but if I wait, maybe I could get a 9.9.”‘
Financial instability is also real, given the country’s economic downturn. And societal attitudes are pressing in around them, said Larry Tippetts, who teaches classes on courtship and marriage at the University of Utah’s LDS institute.
“In my generation, when you met someone, you just got married, confident it would work out,” Tippetts says. “But 50 years ago it was easier to eke out a living than it is now.”
At the same time, he says, fear of a bad choice may be paralyzing young men in their search for a spouse. “These kids are terrified of making a mistake,” he said. “They think too much and overanalyze everything.”
One problem is pretty stark, Tippetts said. Many young Mormon men, even 21-year-olds who have served missions in foreign lands, have no idea how to set up one-on-one dates — because they may never have been on one.
For at least two decades, LDS leaders have counseled high-schoolers not to be romantically involved or “go steady,” but rather to engage mostly in “group dates.”
That has been a boon to lots of Mormon boys who were too shy or awkward to ask out a girl, but it hasn’t prepared young men for real dating and courtship.
“It’s hard if you’ve gone only on group dates before your mission, then you come back with the same mind-set. But now they say, `Go, go, go.’ For a lot of guys it’s too much,” says Richard Spratt, a 21-year-old returned missionary from Bountiful, Utah. “It takes effort to go on an actual date, which discourages a lot of guys.”
Facebook and texting were meant to enhance dialogue but may have “crippled” the dating scene, says Robin Walton, a Mormon from Las Vegas.
“They’ve altered our ability to interact face to face,” says Walton, 22 and a University of Utah graduate student. “After we’ve learned everything about each other on Facebook, what do we talk about on the first date?”
Clicked on your page. You have a beautiful family! Absolutely looks like you’re a smashing success to me!
The older you get the more you realize that in the spiritual sense, all that matters in the end is souls. And in the earthly sense, all you leave is your posterity.
People are what the LORD prizes, and they’re the only thing that will survive this creation after it is renovated in God’s good time.
He died for us, so if we’re wise, we’ll live for Him, and for those He loves.
If that isn't success, I don't know what is.
My husband’s cousin is a successful horse trainer. She and her husband have a ranch in KY, three (soon to be four) beautiful children and are healthy, happy and make a good living.
My MIL said to me one day that she should go back to college and get a degree.
When I asked her “WHY?!?”
She said that everyone should be educated.
I had nothing more to say to the woman.
This is just how some people are. They believe you are nothing unless you have that piece of paper. Well let me tell you, I have a PhD in Naturopathic Medicine. That piece of paper has gotten me nothing but 20,000 dollars poorer and the ability to give my hubby a great massage.
I take being happy with my kids at home and no cable tv any day. You are correct in all you say.
Me neither.
More Mormons = more troops in the future we’ll need to fight the Muslims.
I can imagine her reaction!
I'm a fan of the Tax-chick brood, remember?.
How are they and what's the word on Scouting in the Tax-chick household?
I've been remiss on sending little remembrances for Scouting milestones - although we've loss touch and we haven't been in communication for, wow, a couple of years.
in the olden days we used to have an “extended” family living together. Grandparents, children, recently married, all living under one roof.
Anoreth is in an unknown tropical location, “just like the Tulsa Zoo rainforest exhibit.” It might be Costa Rica, but that was over a week ago, so they’re probably somewhere else now. She’s going to Gunner’s Mate A-school in the fall.
Bill (17) is planning his Eagle Scout project and should finish the Family Life merit badge, his last one, any day now. Pause to savor the irony. He’ll be applying to colleges in the fall, got a great PSAT score.
Tom (14) is a Life Scout and has only 3 badges to go, I think. He’ll probably start planning an Eagle project by the end of the year. His ideal would be to make Eagle before Bill, but the time frame is pretty tight.
Elen will be 14 next spring and hopes to start Venture. We’ve been out of Girl Scouts since Francisco was born; he’ll be 2 on the 27th. She and Sally get to come on lots of Cub Scouts activities.
Batty Pat will be a Webelos as of June 1, and he’ll go to Webelos resident camp in July. He learned to swim!
James is wrapping up Tiger Cubs. I was Tiger Cub leader this year, and I’ll be leading Wolf Cubs next year. After that (if there are no more babies ;-) I’ll either lead Bear Cubs or do Tiger Cubs again with Vlad, who is 5.
Time to serve supper here. We have religious education at 6:00 followed by Boy Scouts, so we eat early on Mondays. I hope you’re doing well. Elen wears a National Scouting Jamboree t-shirt you sent all the time, and my husband wears the windbreaker!
Thank you! The pictures are getting dated. They’re not that cute anymore. Ha!
I love your post. I’ve been on a purging binge the last couple of years. The more we get rid of the happier we are. It’s truly been a blessing. I spend less time yelling about the messes everywhere and more time praying with the kids.
I love your stories of Anoreth. She’s so awesome!
College can be a good place for a young woman to meet a husband.
This is exactly the kind of example I was talking about! Your cousin made the right choice.
I have a Bachelor’s in Elementary Education. It took me years of homeschooling my kids to get that degree out of my system. It was exactly the opposite of how I wanted my kids to learn. I feel guilty sometimes that my parents are out all that money. However, I did meet my husband there. I guess one good thing came out of that degree. :0)
I know exactly what you mean.
I have my degree in Management, which is useful in my current life, and the Church is after me for all those Spanish courses ...
My favorite Anoreth Adventure was the Sultanate of Brunei, where she told them that *every* civilized country has women in the military, and our religion encourages women to develop their potential ... and “By the way, your economy is pathetic. Would you like some Thomas Sowell books to help you? My mom will buy me new ones when I get back to the US!” It ended up with a whole Brunei Coast Guard crew wanting to move to Charlotte, where rents are low and the climate is agreeable.
Samiam1972 is probably among the most dedicated mothers on FR.
You say that and it is probably true but I have never ever seen her on this site and I have been her for over five years and on every day. Regardless this was all about my saying that it is important to have a college degree and she attacked me for it so I attacked back. Mature? No but that is what happened. I am sure she is great but when you write something derogatory about someone than I believe that you should be able to defend yourself. I have nothing against this person except she accused me of not being pro life because I hoped she didn’t have children. See if she knew me she would know that prolife is my number one issue and the issue that I vote for President with. So many accusations from her it is hard to keep up. Yes I did say she should have her own reality show but that was a joke. Wagglebee I see you on here all the time. Anyway have a great Tuesday.
You were one of the earliest to come out against Terri Schiavo. After Haleigh Poutre had been spared from being starved and dehydrated to death, and even those who had tried to have her killed acknowledged that she had recovered, you were pushing for her to still be killed because her rehab was going to be costly.
Less than two months ago, when discussing starving and dehydrating patients to death, you said "Anyone without insurance should not even have a choice." There are many examples of you expressing that same support for forced euthanasia during your time here.
You frequently (maybe always) pair your demands for murder with claims of being pro-life. Now you're claiming to be in favor of education. With your history, that may well be your most laughable lie.
Samiam1972 has been a FRiend of mine on here for over six years.
That you may not have seen her on here regularly is possibly due to the fact that she has five children that she homeschools (with another on the way), something that you deny based on nothing other than your disagreement with statements she made about college.
I have nothing against this person except she accused me of not being pro life because I hoped she didn’t have children.
It does beg the question, I've never seen pro-lifers make statements like you did.
I'll be gone all day, so if you don't hear back from me that's why.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.