“Why baptize then?”
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Baptism is part of the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19).
In the ritual of water baptism, the believer is immersed in water, and that is symbolic of death, and when the believer is brought out of the water, that is symbolic of resurrection to new life in Christ.
The ritual of water baptism is a picture of the fact that at the moment of salvation through faith in Christ as Savior, the believer is identified with Christ in His death, burial and resurrection. This is called positional truth. (Romans 6)
The ritual of water baptism is not necessary for eternal salvation. The thief on the cross was saved without water baptism. (Luke 23:43)
The only correct thing you posted. The rest is the result of a too fruitful imagination.
1010RD pointed out your errors. Let me try and set you straight as well. But on just one issue.
You said; “The thief on the cross was saved without water baptism.”
And I say; “So what?” The thief on the cross was no different than Abraham or Moses or the prophets who also died prior to Pentecost. But after Pentecost when they asked “What must we do to be saved”? Acts 2:38 and many more verses point out the need to be baptized in order to be saved.