1. Abbaye de Belloc
2. Abbaye du Mont des Cats
3. Abondance
4. Affidelice au Chablis
5. Aisy Cendre
6. Ambert
7. Ami du Chambertin
8. Anneau du Vic-Bilh
9. Ardi Gasna
10. Aromes au Gene de Marc
11. Aubisque Pyrenees
12. Autun
13. Babybel
14. Baguette Laonnaise
15. Banon
16. Beaufort
17. Bleu d'Auvergne
18. Bleu de Gex
19. Bleu de Laqueuille
20. Bleu de Septmoncel
21. Bleu Des Causses
22. Bougon
23. Boule Du Roves
24. Boulette d'Avesnes
25. Boursault
26. Boursin
27. Bouyssou
28. Brebis du Lavort
29. Brebis du Lochois
30. Brebis du Puyfaucon
31. Bresse Bleu
32. Brie
33. Brie de Meaux
34. Brie de Melun
35. Brillat-Savarin
36. Brin
37. Brin d' Amour
38. Briquette de Brebis
39. Briquette du Forez
40. Broccio
41. Broccio Demi-Affine
42. Brousse du Rove
43. Buchette d'Anjou
44. Butte
45. Cabecou
46. Cachaille
47. Calenzana
48. Camembert de Normandie
49. Cantal
50. Caprice des Dieux
51. Carre de l'Est
52. Cathelain
53. Cendre d'Olivet
54. Chabichou
55. Chabichou du Poitou
56. Chabis de Gatine
57. Chaource
58. Charolais
59. Chaumes
60. Chevres
61. Chevrotin des Aravis
62. Civray
63. Coeur de Camembert au Calvados
64. Coeur de Chevre
65. Comte
66. Coulommiers
67. Crayeux de Roncq
68. Crottin de Chavignol
69. Crottin du Chavignol
70. Cure Nantais
71. Dauphin
72. Delice des Fiouves
73. Dreux a la Feuille
74. Emental Grand Cru
75. Epoisses de Bourgogne
76. Esbareich
77. Etorki
78. Explorateur
79. Figue
80. Filetta
81. Fin-de-Siecle
82. Fleur du Maquis
83. Fondant de Brebis
84. Fontainebleau
85. Fougerus
86. Fourme d' Ambert
87. Fourme de Haute Loire
88. Fourme de Montbrison
89. Frinault
90. Fromage a Raclette
91. Fromage Corse
92. Fromage de Montagne de Savoie
93. Fromage Frais
94. Galette du Paludier
95. Galette Lyonnaise
96. Gaperon a l'Ail
97. Gastanberra
98. Goutu
99. Grand Vatel
100. Grataron d' Areches
101. Gratte-Paille
102. Greuilh
103. Gris de Lille
104. Guerbigny
105. Ile d'Yeu
106. L'Aveyronnais
107. L'Ecir de l'Aubrac
108. La Taupiniere
109. La Vache Qui Rit
110. Laguiole
111. Langres
112. Laruns
113. Le Brin
114. Le Fium Orbo
115. Le Lacandou
116. Le Roule
117. Lingot Saint Bousquet d'Orb
118. Livarot
119. Lou Palou
120. Lou Pevre
121. Lyonnais
122. Macconais
123. Mamirolle
124. Margotin
125. Maroilles
126. Mascares
127. Matocq
128. Metton (Cancoillotte)
129. Mimolette
130. Mixte
131. Mont D'or Lyonnais
132. Morbier
133. Morbier Cru de Montagne
134. Mothais a la Feuille
135. Munster
136. Murol
137. Nantais
138. Neufchatel
139. Niolo
140. Olivet au Foin
141. Olivet Bleu
142. Olivet Cendre
143. Ossau Fermier
144. Ossau-Iraty
145. P'tit Berrichon
146. Palet de Babligny
147. Pas de l'Escalette
148. Pate de Fromage
149. Patefine Fort
150. Pave d'Affinois
151. Pave d'Auge
152. Pave de Chirac
153. Pave du Berry
154. Pelardon des Cevennes
155. Pelardon des Corbieres
156. Perail de Brebis
157. Petit Morin
158. Petit Pardou
159. Petit-Suisse
160. Picodon de Chevre
161. Pithtviers au Foin
162. Poivre d'Ane
163. Pont l'Eveque
164. Port-Salut
165. Pouligny-Saint-Pierre
166. Pourly
167. Pyramide
168. Quatre-Vents
169. Quercy Petit
170. Raclette
171. Reblochon
172. Regal de la Dombes
173. Rigotte
174. Rocamadour
175. Rollot
176. Romans Part Dieu
177. Roquefort
178. Roule
179. Rouleau De Beaulieu
180. Rustinu
181. Sainte Maure
182. Saint-Marcellin
183. Saint-Nectaire
184. Saint-Paulin
185. Salers
186. Sancerre
187. Selles sur Cher
188. Soumaintrain
189. Sourire Lozerien
190. St. Agur Blue Cheese
191. Tamie
192. Taupiniere
193. Tomme Brulee
194. Tomme d'Abondance
195. Tomme de Romans
196. Tomme de Savoie
197. Tomme des Chouans
198. Tommes
199. Touree de L'Aubier
200. Tourmalet
201. Trappe (Veritable)
202. Trois Cornes De Vendee
203. Trou du Cru
204. Truffe
205. Valencay
206. Venaco
207. Vendomois
208. Vieux Corse
209. Vignotte
(a customer walks in the door)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Owner: Peckish, sir?
Customer: Esuriant.
Owner: Eh?
Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Owner: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some cheese.
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Owner: Sorry?
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Owner: Sorry.
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Owner: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Owner: No.
Customer: Lipta?
Owner: No.
Customer: Lancashire?
Owner: No.
Customer: White Stilton?
Owner: No.
Customer: Danish Brew?
Owner: No.
Customer: Double Gloucester?
Owner: No.
Customer: Cheshire?
Owner: No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Owner: No.
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Owner: No.
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how f**king runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........!
Customer: What now?
Owner: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
(pause)
Customer: Gouda?
Owner: No.
Customer: Edam?
Owner: No.
Customer: Case Ness?
Owner: No.
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Owner: No.
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Owner: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
Customer: Greek Feta?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Owner: no
Customer: Parmesan,
Owner: no Owner: no
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Owner: no
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Owner: no
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Owner: no
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
Owner: 'Illchester, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir... .....nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Owner: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Owner: No.
Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.