The New Normal: Singleness in America

BreakPoint ^ | 11 Dec 03 | Chuck Colson

[Mr. Silverback]

A pair of magazine articles recently revealed some intriguing facts about marriage and singleness in America. U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT notes that Americans are getting married later in life. And, according to reporter Michelle Conlin in BUSINESS WEEK, "The U.S. Census Bureau's newest numbers show that married-couple households . . . have slipped from nearly 80 percent in the 1950s to just 50.7 percent [of the population] today. That means that the U.S.'s 86 million single adults could soon define the new majority . . . What many once thought of as the fringe is becoming the new normal."

As a result, the way we view many things -- singleness, marriage, friendships, and institutions -- is changing dramatically. For instance, U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT's article focused on the so-called "Tribal Culture," in which single friends form highly organized groups that serve as a kind of substitute family. One such group, in Denver, has 110 members. But that number pales in comparison to some of the groups that are forming online at websites like Friendster.com where literally thousands of people meet to form social networks.

The existence of these "tribes" and these statistics tell us something about ourselves, the way we're wired. We are social beings: We need family and community -- even in a culture that prizes autonomy above all things. But BUSINESS WEEK's reporter sees a quite different meaning in the trend she calls "the new normal." Conlin argues that benefits like insurance and Social Security, which have always gone to married couples, should also be extended to singles, cohabiting couples, and homosexuals living together. She writes, "Just because matrimony is good for society doesn't mean that outmoded social benefits are."

Now, first let me say that it's important for Christians, when examining this trend, to avoid pointing fingers or acting as if singles are somehow inferior to married people. Surrounded by a culture fearful of commitment and more interested in "hooking up" than dating, even those who are interested in getting married often have a hard time finding anyone who shares their interest. Also, as Paul teaches in the New Testament, not everyone is called to be married.

However, there's a genuine cause for concern when people cite widespread singleness as an excuse to promote policies that denigrate traditional families. The benefits we give to two-parent families should have nothing to do with how many families there are. It's a recognition of the great importance of a stable family structure to our society, in all kinds of areas -- the strength of the workforce, the emotional health of kids, and even the physical health of adults. These benefits are one way that we encourage standards that reflect the way we were designed to live -- standards like lifelong faithfulness to one person and a committed mother and father for every child. The more we insist on ignoring these standards, the weaker our culture becomes.

Marriage already has enough strikes against it in a culture that largely considers it just one more "lifestyle choice." We don't need to discourage it even more. "The new normal" so-called may change a lot of things, but it shouldn't change the way we look at a God-ordained, time-tested institution. Tribes may have their place in the chaos of postmodern culture, but they are no substitute for marriage and the family.

[Orangedog]

Odd that the whole 'no commitment for men, just sex with no strings attached' philosopy has popped up here of all places. I would have thought that was a '70s 'me-first' liberal philosophy.

No, it's just that enough of us were treated to the '80's and '90's philosophy of men having second class status as soon as the wife gets bored and wants to "move on" and "grow"...and then have the man-hating courts give her everything in the process. Try having your own kids used as pawns against you by the divorce industry...you'll get a whole new outlook on things.

[Texan5]

My man is a real man, 30 years in the Army and all the rest, but he's no rough, nasty, domineering "Alpha Male"-God forbid that I would even boff one of those with a borrowed one, much less want to cohabit with an ass like that! I think you are right-it may be a southern thing...

[LincolnLover]

Before I go on, this entire issue is fascinating to me, frankly. There is a lack of understanding and even concern about the radical shift we've seen in what had been rather normative behavioral patters among men and women.

A root cause is, as with most things in life once you dig deep enough, economic: women are better educated and afforded greater opportunity than ever before, hence a greater sense of both self-sufficiency and selectiveness (i.e., "I don't need to marry a man to take care of me, so I'll be very choosy in determining who I am with and who I am not with.")

On the flip side, other women still "buy" into the knight in shining armor, stable family existence (which is very noble and, for millions, very gratifying) yet do not fully appreciate the impact of how "normal" it has now become to be divorced, nor the pressures brought to bear on couples these days (e.g., need for both to work, etc.)

Millions of people enter marriages fully intending to "make it work", only to have one or both partners decide it's not worth the effort. It's sad and I've seen it happen to many of my friends.

I'm a never been married, attractive professional in my early thirties, and believe me it's a jungle out here!

[CajunConservative]

Unless we start as a society stating how things ought to be so that progress can be made towards that end how else are we going to get there? Louisiana has started allowing a covenant marriage in which it is much more difficult to get divorced. There are IMO only a few valid reasons for couples to get divorced anyway. If it's tougher to get out people may make better choices going in.

Louisiana Covenant Marriage

[Salgak]

Morality has little to do with it: get married, support a wife who stays at home, who then leaves you for another man AND get forced to split assets 50-50 and duns you for child support ??

[Nataku X]

Got absolutely nothing against Hispanics, only commenting that our apathy and cynicism and selfishness will lead most of the Western Civilization into self-destruction. Within our lifetimes we will see European countries replacing Western laws with Sharia laws, and our attitudes will be to blame for it... look at Canada

[Texan5]

I was the one who saved most of the money, although he made more than me-I also worked two jobs so he could work part time while he got his masters degree. The money and COMMUNITY property my ex disposed of he sold to buy his mistress a townhouse and new car. I am no parasite, sir-I have always worked full time, except for 6 months maternity leave. Moreover, I work in a man's world-the field of construction-with my computer and my tools side by side with men. I'm not overweight, I don't have time for the pool or daytime tv, even though I now own my own business-and I hate soap operas.

[Texan5]

Canada is about to slide into the dustbin of history...

[Salgak]

Darnright wrote:

>>Free sex, no possibility of child support, and what he >>percieves as a great time.

>Ooh, you left out all the side benefits! Let's see, >syphillis, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc., etc.

All easily prevented. In my single days, several of my girlfriends became lovers as well. Never caught anything.

My point is this: given the current social and legal environment, and the average male's tendencies, is it any wonder they're staying single ?

[banjo joe]

. Men - unless you have some need to make and raise children...

Paleface speak straight. Some guys are born to domestication, I guess... and others are not.

[ladyjane]

You get burned a few dozen times, and you start to realize that women are pigs for the most part. Nice looking pigs that you want to touch in an iterative process, but never, oh never live with.

Burned a few dozen times? Impressive. Is anything left of it?

[najida]

Sounds like you and I have had very (scarily) similar experiences.

Right now I am single and I can't see a reason to get married again.

[Hodar]

If it's tougher to get out people may make better choices going in.

No, this simply traps people in bad marriages. Little thought may be given into going into a marriage. For example, there is no waiting period between getting a marriage license and getting married. You can be drunk, get a license and be married literally within an hour. The Catholic church has 'classes' for engaged members, which at least is an attempt to prepare a couple for the reality that is marriage.

I would think that a 'cooling off' period between being granted a license and the actual marriage may make a difference. If the time were 6 months (just an arbitrary number here), I wonder how many couples would break up instead of going through with a doomed marriage?

[RightWhale]

In Barrow, that would be once a year, but it's a long night.

[Gabz]

If I were a man - you would be my kind of woman!!!!!

My ex didn't cheat on me, but continually accused me of cheating on him. When I left him I got nothing but the furniture I had in storage and my clothes - I also got the bills for the divorce. the SOB even tried to get alimony from me because he had just lost his job and "couldn't pay the bills if I left him"

There are as many women, like us, with stories of low-life men as there are men with stories about women - maybe even more.

Like you I married my best friend - and we remain best friends today!!!

[ladyjane]

I hate to say it, but a SMART man files away 20-or-so sperm samples and has them frozen someplace, gets a vasectomy, and goes to town. Free sex, no possibility of child support, and what he percieves as a great time.

LOL. Sure. As if a lady would want a has-been germ laden lothario.

[Gabz]

I felt the same way for a good long time - but when the right person comes along.....................

[Hodar]

I'm not overweight, I don't have time for the pool or daytime tv, even though I now own my own business-and I hate soap operas.

And I did not intend my post to be an attack, but to reflect the reality of the situation. In court, the law does not concern itself whether or not you participated in creating wealth, raised children instead of working, or were simply enjoying the luxuries that your husband was able to bestow upon you. As we both agree, you did not sit idly by and enjoy a life of luxury. However, the statement that *if* you had sat at home and did nothing but enjoy a life of leasure; you would still wind up with a substancial gain without putting forth any measureable effort.

[CajunConservative]

A root cause is, as with most things in life once you dig deep enough, economic: women are better educated and afforded greater opportunity than ever before, hence a greater sense of both self-sufficiency and selectiveness (i.e., "I don't need to marry a man to take care of me, so I'll be very choosy in determining who I am with and who I am not with.")

On the flip side, other women still "buy" into the knight in shining armor, stable family existence (which is very noble and, for millions, very gratifying) yet do not fully appreciate the impact of how "normal" it has now become to be divorced, nor the pressures brought to bear on couples these days (e.g., need for both to work, etc.)

It's not just women who buy into "images". How many men marry some floosy because of one thing? It's usually those types of women that the men who have been burnt by that give us regular well behaved women a hard time.

[MEGoody]

Why marry when you can get the goodies without the commitment?