James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[Luis Gonzalez]

"Billy Don't Be a Hero"
"99 Luftballoons"
"One Tin Soldier"
"Fernando"
"Eres Tu"
"Sixteen Little Red Noses and a Horse That Sweats" (yes, that's a song)

[Hand em their arse]

No one's mentioned "Drop kick me Jesus through the goalposts of life"???

[Peter J. Huss]

'Muskrat Love' by Captain and Tennille

With all due respect, 'Muskrat Love' is a great song.

[reagan_fanatic]

Rap. Definately a rap song.

Sorry. Rap would have to qualify as actual music, which it is not.

[jocon307]

"Wildfire," a song about a girl who runs around shouting out her horse's name after he ran off."

Oh cripes, I had forgotten all about this song, and how very much I hate it! LOL, ack, it's in my brain again now! I actually once seriously considered breaking up with a guy because he revealed to me that he liked this awful song. Ohmigosh, I'm ill all over again.

However, for the worse rock song of all time I must nominate one, and at the same time give it an exemption. My most hated rock song of all time is "Roxanne" by The Police. I will lunge across the room to change the station if that song comes on. Why do I hate it so? Because it is such a pale imitation of that great and ill remembered song "Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town" by I don't know who.

The exemption? Roxanne as used in "Moulin Rouge", which forced the true quality of the song out, like squeezing a piece of fruit to get the juice. How much I like "Roxanne" in Moulin Rouge proves to my satisfaction that Baz Luhrman is truly a genius.

[highlander_UW]

"Havin' My Baby"

Scary! This was one of two songs that immediately came to mind, the other being "You're So Vain".

[luvbach1]

Agree. It's rap crap hands down. But is it music?

[nuconvert]

LOL!
Good list.

I have to nominate this, too


IT MUST BE HIM
Vikki Carr

[Bismarck]

You can't make a "worst songs" list with songs you dislike... A bad song is a song that doesn't sell. Period.

[RightWingAtheist]

If there is one rap song which should be singled out, it should be "Do the Bartman." Worst...rap...EVERRRRRRR!

[Jape]

No question the winner is: Run, Joey, Run

Daddy, please don't, it wasn't his fault
He means so much to me
Daddy, please don't
We're gonna get married
Just you wait and see.

[FreedomCalls]

Here's three:

"Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" by William Shatner.

"Mr. Tambourine Man" also by William Shatner

"Star Trekkin' Across the Universe"

[daler]

'Muskrat Love' by Captain and Tennille "With all due respect, 'Muskrat Love' is a great song."

Actually, I kinda felt the same way about "Midnight At The Oasis." I thought THAT was a great song.

I think I've figured this all out, though.

One's idea of a "great song" has much to do with what or whom one associates said song.

In my case, "Midnight At The Oasis" is associated with a blonde name Dawn, Yankton South Dakota, circa 1974, whereas that awful "Love Will Keep Us Together" song reminds me of Jimmy Carter.

Think I might be on to something?

[FreedomCalls]

it is such a pale imitation of that great and ill remembered song "Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town" by I don't know who.

That would be Kenny Rogers.

[philo]

CASH BOX TOP 100 SINGLES

Week ending January 17, 1976

1 CONVOY

C.W. McCall (MGM 14839)

So by your logic this is a good song since it went number 1

[cannon fodder]

billy paul?

[Hand em their arse]

Can anyone listen to "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow" without absolutley losing their lunch anymore???

[SFConservative]

"Mrs Jones" by Dr. Hook and the Mwedicine Show.

Never heard of that ... do you mean "Me & Mrs. Jones" by Billy Paul?

[eternity]

Good post for a Saturday nite. So far 2 songs mentioned I like. One Tin Soldier and Midnight at the Oasis. But with out a doubt "Having My Baby" belongs in the worst song list.

[Kadric]

Video Killed The Radio Star