Posted on 08/02/2004 5:49:37 AM PDT by BluegrassScholar
Edited on 08/02/2004 10:43:46 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
Carrie is 2 years old, with curly brown hair and Windex-blue eyes. In a still-life portrait, she would be adorable. In three dimensions, she's a cross between a Gerber baby and the Tasmanian devil. Bang. Bang, bang, bang, and bang and bang.
That's the noise of the plastic water cup she is whacking against the ceramic-topped table of a neighborhood coffeehouse whose concrete floors function like an echo chamber. If she had a hammer she would have destroyed the table by now, and I'm pretty sure her parents would've let her. People look up from their lattes, squint at the diminutive figure making the big, ear-splitting noise, and try to continue with their newspapers or conversations. The banging goes on for a good 10 minutes. Normally, I would say something -- I'm not shy about these things -- but I'm curious to know just how long her parents, with whom I'm having coffee, will let this go. The answer: Indefinitely. They don't even seem to notice. Maybe they're just used to it?
On some primal level, Carrie must be offended that she's not the center of attention. There is anger in her banging, along with what I read as malice. As she grows even more restive, her father lowers her to the floor. Still clutching the cup, Carrie crawls through the room, pounding on the concrete floor as she goes along, giving everyone an up-close earful of her drum solo.
A few weeks later, I'm at a party, mostly adults with a few kids sprinkled in, among them the volcanically unruly 5-year-old son of a friend. As I squat down to greet him, he responds by biting me in the arm, leaving teeth marks through a shirt and a sweater. I am just about to spank his little behind when I realize I'm in dangerous territory. People go to jail for that these days.
This is mild, I know, but an example of how some parents think that bothering adults is a civil right for children.
Chilli's restaurant about 2 years ago. We were seated in a booth adjacent to a booth in which couple of women with 3 of 4 children had been seated. My 10 year old daughter and I were on the seat of the booth connected to their booth, so that one of the little boys in their group was able to hang over the back of their booth and pester my daughter. No one attempted to stop this behavior, and the other children were out of control as well. I finally resorted to giving this little boy a very stern look. The adults saw this.
Here's the kicker, when they got up to leave, one of the women said, "let's get away from "these people."
It worked.
Less than three weeks ago, my husband and I took our three children (6 and under) to a family restaurant. My sis in law, her husband, and their 2.5 year old were with us. The kids did exceptionally well for their age.
At the end of our meal, our waiter brought ice cream for the three older kids (the youngest was just born in June). A party at another table bought it for them because they said it had been a long time they had seen such young children behave so well in a restaurant.
Now if they could just see how well they act at home they might have taken the ice cream back :)
My vote for insane parenting is giving your one-year-old three or four choices for everything. Ex: "Do you want apple slices, string cheese, or a pear for your snack?" The classic definition for job stress is how many decisions does one have to make in a day. For some unknown reason, this generation of parents has shifted MANY decisions for minor things to children who should not have to decide much at their tender ages. This leads to obvious frustration, because the child can't tell the inept parent, "Hey, YOU are supposed to take care of ME!" Which child psychologist started this ridiculous notion anyway? Oh, and we as grandparents dare NOT bring up gentle suggestions because our educated children have studied child development at the university...probably from professors who have never had children...and our advise is argued with or just ignored. Who suffers? The children and members of society who have to deal with them in public places.
Hey, I was born in 1964 and was raised to feel the same way. This misbehavior epidemic is much more recent than Puritan times.
This may be one of the most significant, and unnoticed, comments in the article.
I'm not that old -- 47 -- and I grew up attending small evangelical churches. I was expected to be able to sit still and quiet through a 90 minute service before I was school age. Now, in my small evangelical church, where the parents are not adverse to the general idea of discipline, it is not thought possible that a young child is capable of sitting still and quiet through church. So we have special services for them to keep them entertained.
I'm sure there is value in the children's services, but there is also value in having to sit still. So I am the cruel taskmaster of the bunch; I have insisted that my 5 year old son stay with us in the service so he can sit for 90 minutes.
I shudder to offend all the freepers with children with real attention problems, but I wonder how much of the ADD explosion is parent-induced.
Just last night we were out to eat. My 5 year old, who is really quite well-behaved, was clowning for the benefit of the 9 year old across the table by making goofy noises. When I asked him to be quiet and he didn't, I demonstrated to the other parents at the table how to get instant obediance by the discreet application of a thumb to a pressure point in the back of the neck. (I know, I know: child abuse. I just never could accept the notion that a 40 pound child could defy the wishes of a 200 pound father.)
Other parents seem puzzled about how it works. It seems simple enough to me: as soon as the child enters the world, start to speak your will in a gentle voice, once -- then, without further discussion , quietly impose your will by force.
The child will figure it out surprisingly quick.
I don't know if spanking is needed for these kids --- but if you have a small child who cannot behave in public, you should not bring the child to public places. It's a matter of considerateness ---- some children should stay home with a babysitter but the parents tend to think brattiness is cute.
I think the whole issue of child abuse, and social services, has lent itself to fear in parents of reprimanding the children in public.
There is still people who will not correct children in public with or without that stigma.
I have had many aquaintances in my years of raising my children, when these people come over to my house, they, (usually she) will sit and expect me to watch their children while they sit and drink coffee, etc. It pretty much has become the norm, from what I have seen not to make your children behave in public places.
Very few people will take responsibility for their childs behavior in life. They think bad behavior is cute.
This is an interesting article, thanks for posting. Yes, it is very hard to clench your teeth and not intervene when I see parents ignoring bratty behavior, trying to negotiate or bribe, or reinforcing it by sympathizing with the little hellion (poow widdle Homer, you must be vewy BORED by this big-people restaurant...)
So what are we as individuals or a society to do?
I know that even the most difficult children can be trained to participate in social gatherings, IF the parent wants to do it.
Two years ago I adopted two kids (both age 4) from Russian orphanages- awful upbringing- no manners- no social skills - limited to nonexistent internal controls - no appreciation of the role of parental or even adult authority. The first 6 months were unpleasant, but we trained them to go out with us and to behave. Sometimes we took turns eating and sometimes we simply left and took our food home.
Today I have two 6 year olds who say Please, Thank You and Excuse Me. We use poor behavior by other kids as teaching tools- and they are shocked and disappproving. One of my kids is diagnosed hyperactive so it is a LOT of work for him to maintain control- we (all of us) continue to work on coping skills. But NOT at the expense of other people's enjoyment of public places.
You could have said "And don't come back!" in a loud voice.
great point.
FRegards,
That would have worked. Or we could have asked to be moved to another table. Why we didn't I have no clue.
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