Posted on 08/19/2004 7:01:22 AM PDT by Pokey78
My American friends in England never stop complaining about the food here. It’s all ‘gloopy’, they say, and they bitch about the warm beer, grey curries and unidentifiable soups. Sometimes their longing for US comfort food — beefburgers, hotdogs, cookies, tacos and dairy queen ice cream — becomes so strong that some of them even resort to a company called the Food Ferry, a British Internet site that delivers Skippy Peanut Butter, beef jerky and Oreo cookies.
My solution is a little different. I tell them that American food is overrated, unhealthy and revolting, and the sooner they wean themselves off it, the better they will feel.
American food seems pretty impressive at first sight, but during a four-year stint in the US I realised that it is basically a con trick: bigger isn’t necessarily better; brighter colours don’t mean more intense flavours; sugar tastes good, but leaves you feeling depressed, sick and still hungry.
British cuisine may be considered bland but at least, by and large, you know what you’re putting in your mouth. One of America’s bestselling snacks is a cheese dip designed to be scooped up with nacho chips. It’s runny, it’s orange, it tastes like cheese, but a label on the jar says that it’s a ‘non-dairy product’. Then there are Twinkies — small yellow sponge cakes found in the lunchboxes of most US children. Twinkies are made of such mysterious stuff that they don’t have a best-before date and are subjected to scientific tests. ‘A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,’ says one Internet report, ‘during which time many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface but, contrary to our hypothesis, birds — even pigeons — avoided this potential source of sustenance.’
Even the food that’s made of food is a challenge. A pastrami sandwich comes with a good six inches of meat in the middle — how do you get your mouth around something that’s nearly as big as your head? After a few attempts, any appetite you might once have had is gone. Have you ever tried an American apple? They look perfect — enormous, red and shiny — but have the consistency of cotton wool. It’s the same with the meat: huge, juicy-looking steaks, and chops, perfectly grilled, pink inside, but tasting of wet paper.
The Cheesecake Factory is one of the most popular family food chains in the US — and for me the most grotesque example of American food. A single slice of cheesecake is as big as a brick and would more than suffice for a meal. An entire cheesecake could quite easily put a small child into hyperglycaemic shock. It must put a strain on family life, having to watch your nearest and dearest eating this gunk. The cheesecake is just one of the ‘factory’ specials whose metal menu lists hundreds of other dishes, like the Tons of Fun burger: ‘Yes, It’s True! Double Patties, Double Cheese, Triple Sesame-Seed Bun with Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles and Secret Sauce. Served with Fries’ and the Mile-High Meatloaf Sandwich ‘Topped with Mashed Potatoes, Crispy Onions and Barbeque Au Jus. Served Open-Faced on Extra Thick Egg Bread.’
The labelling of dishes in American restaurants provides an interesting challenge to both menu-writer and reader. Ordering from the food encyclopaedias of restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory is rather like resitting one’s SAT tests. There is a full page dedicated to every beast, bread and starch as well as every national cuisine; also ‘fusion’ dishes. Whatever I chose, I was always left worrying whether I’d made the wrong decision. And despite the bewildering variety of foodstuffs on offer, any attempt to veer from the menu is greeted with blank incomprehension:
‘Just the turkey, please.’
‘The dish comes that way.’
‘But I only want the turkey, thanks.’
‘I’m sorry, miss, that’s not possible.’
‘But I know you’ve got grilled turkey — it says so right here.’
‘That’s our Grilled Turkey Sandwich, miss. Our Grilled Turkey’s on our dinner menu.’
‘But surely you can just remove the bread?’
‘No — I’m sorry. Like I told you before, the Grilled Turkey Sandwich comes with the bread.’
‘You make it sound like it’s born with the bread.’
So you decide to eat in, but this involves a trip to the supermarket and hours spent trying to spot the microscopic differences between thousands of identical brands. Whereas in England we would have an aisle of grains and jams and cereals, Americans will dedicate an area the size of a tennis court just to varieties of bread: loafs of every shape and shade, bagels and buns, waffle mix. Often, in desperation, I’d just go for the most adventurous option. ‘Coconut-sprinkled sweet potatoes’ made one appearance in my flat, but only one.
Half the problem, I think, is that food isn’t just food in the States — it’s an obsession. Not only does Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple Cheesecake exist, it can be gawped at online. The Krispy Kreme website features a five-minute video with a jaunty electronic soundtrack showing rows of little doughnuts browning slowly on a conveyor belt, before being lovingly glazed, bought and eaten. Food even provides whole states with a sense of history and identity — Midwestern towns fight over titles like ‘home of the peanut’, ‘birthplace of the corndog’, ‘Krispy Kreme Kountry’.
And with the excesses of American food comes a national fixation on dieting: as Eric Schlosser reports, McDonald’s has attempted to cash in on this with a McLean burger for dieters. We may not go to the gym so often in Britain, but our food doesn’t demand that we do. I flew back from America looking forward to shepherd’s pie and pints of beer only to be confronted by an upsurge in American fast food in London — not enough to keep my US friends happy, but still worrying. Perhaps we and the Americans should pay more attention to global gastronomy. We could form a food think tank to wean the US off sugar and on to snails, squid and sushi. It would make us all healthier — and happier.
("Fix It Again, Tony!")
I should talk - I drove a Triumph for years. When it ran. I can replace a Stromberg carburetor diaphragm by the side of the road in under four minutes. :-)
(uh oh. From British food to British electrical systems . . . not a good segue . . . )
If you ever get to Texas, drop a line! We would be proud to take you for a big Texas steak, some fried catfish, some barbecue, and some REAL Tex-Mex food!
whiteboy wrote:
"No one who matters, (that would be US) gives a crap what you think.
You and the rest of your brit food snobs can go pound sand.
AMERICAN FOOD RULES
AMERICANS FIRST"
and you replied:
"You see, this is just the type of attitude that we see from a small minority of Americans that gets the USA (populated in the main by decent charming people) a bad name."
I call that a major euro-whine. I miss the days when it was mostly americans on the net
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Tripe anyone? |
Lol! The British eat "bangers" and "spotted dick".
'Nuff said.
i think it is so thoroughly conservative as to be called excusively conservative with a few liberal losers who have nothing better to do with their meager and sneaky liberal-brains.
Do Americans eat Twinkees anymore????? I won't even buy that stuff for my children. Occasionally, I have a craving for a Little Debbie snack cake, and hubby likes the oatmeal cream pies, but we avoid that kind of garbage except maybe a couple of times a year. We've never eaten at the Cheesecake Factory because it sounds like a dessert place, and we just don't seek out expensive cheesecake when we can make our own or buy a cheap one at Sam's. We ate shepherd's pie for dinner last night because hubby likes the occasional bland food. (I am no fan of shepherd's pie even when hubby spices it up, and he apologetically asked if we could have it for dinner last night. I obliged.) There are a zillion varieties of bread at grocery stores because there are a zillion ethnicities of people in this country. Different folks like different kinds of bread. Figure out what you like and buy it. Or make it yourself.
I love the variety of foods available in the US. I grew up on Southern cookin', and I'm perfectly happy with it. I especially love Cajun foods, and New Mexican (yes, NEW Mexican and not Mexican) food ranks right at the top of my favorite list.
Time to go fix lunch.
Mmmm yes please
My mother never ever put such snack cakes in our lunchboxes. I don't suppose this author is relying a bit too heavily on stereotypes and hyperbole?
P.S. The only really good food I ever ate in England was Indian.
It's even better when you throw in some additional minced clams, popcorn shrimp, and small scallops along with a container of half & half.
Best thing for lunch on a very cold, snowy winter's day!
Regards,
I think the joke is:
In heaven, the cooks will be French, the lovers will be Italian, the Brits will be the police, the Germans will be the mechanics and everything will be run by the Swiss.
In hell, the cooks will be British, the lovers will be Swiss, the Germans will be the police, the French will be the mechanics and everything will be run by the Italians.
"If I was an American, a real American, proud of his country and keen to uphold it's reputation in the eyes of the world"
I am a real American, and quite proud.
As far as "our reputation in the eyes of the world" is concerned, I really don't care.
It is my experiance that most foreigners resent Americans and know down deep in their hearts that they could never handle the freedom and responsibility of being an American.
You confuse ignorance with American pride, I will excuse your confusion.
As for my age, I consider myself to be quite young as well, although my drivers license tells a different story.
AMERICANS FIRST
Bar-B-Que
Mr. Bones BBQ 3007 Gulf Drive, Anna Maria Island, FL 34217, Located in Holmes Beach, 941-778-6614.
A unique, casual dining restaurant that is open daily for lunch and dinner and features a menu that includes home cooked, traditional barbecue, as well as an array of authentic Indian dishes, Creole dishes, and vegetarian dishes. Over 40 varieties of beer on ice are available to complement your meal. They also served breakfast in season, from December 1st to June 1st.
Not only the best barbeque I've ever had, it's one of the best meals I've ever had.
Didn't you read the sign?
I thought the movie was a total bore except for the cafe' scene. It probably inspired the Whammy Burger scene in "Falling Down"
Me, I love your Welsh rarebits.
And try the Creole cuisine, which is more frankly continental French, but with a Louisiana flavor. We have a LA emigre here in Atlanta who runs a lovely Creole restaurant.
"If you ever get to Texas, drop a line! We would be proud to take you for a big Texas steak, some fried catfish, some barbecue, and some REAL Tex-Mex food!"
Many thanks, Texas is also high on my list of places to visit, hoping to take a month next summer in the US, not long enough of course but you know how it is.
American food was mostly crap until this country started getting a large influx of Italians.
You would know because....?
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