This just in.
Roughly 15 terrorists took over an elementary school in Spring, Texas today. Of the 67 teachers, and 450 students - all but one have been successfully released, and the terrorists gave themselves up unconditionally. We have learned from a source who wishes to remain anonymous why the terrorists gave themselves up.
The following transcript was released by authorities concerning the converstaiton between a government negotiator, and one of the terrorists, who claimed to represent Ali Akbar Jihadi, a heretofor unknown group organized in a Dallas mosque.
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Terrorist:
You must release all of your prisoners from Gitmo, you must remove all of your troops from Iraq and cease your criminal support of the Zionist entity.
US Negotiator:
Or what?
Terrorist:
We will kill all of the hostages. If you try to storm this place, we will kill all of the hostages. If you kill one of us, we will kill 50 hostages, and if you wound one of us, we will kill 20 hostages.
US Negotiator:
Do you want to die?
Terrorist:
Listen infidel, I will kill this b* to prove my point.
US Negotiator:
Okay, but answer my question, do you want to die?
Terrorist:
I will die for Allah! Allah Akbar *gunshot* THERE - you made me do it, she is dead.
US NEgotiator:
Okay, so you want to die.
Terrorist:
Yes, you Americans don't care about the Arabs . . .
US Negotiator:
Save the BS for somebody who cares dilbert. I'm going to give you a choice - and this is it. Put down your weapons, drop your bomb belts and walk out of the school with your arms above your heads.
Terrorist:
I will kill another hostages... Allah Akbar . . .
US Negotiator:
Fine, when you get done killing your next hostage - please put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye, because I am about to wipe your sorry butt and everybody in that school off the planet... and YOU and your stupid 3rd century backward arse religion will be blamed.... and the next thing on the agenda is the elimination of Mecca? Do I have your attention yet sweetpea? Nobody gets to go on a happy Haj, and they'll all blame you.
Terrorist:
You will not kill these people!
US Negotiator:
Why not? They are already as good as dead.... and we get the great excuse of you blowing them up with a nuclear weapon.... and we can kill every heathen bas&&& on earth and nobody will blame us.
Terrorist:
You lie:
US Negotiator:
Mike Mike Bravo Sierra, Eagle 1 release code inbound
3rd voice:
roger that, release code check
Terrorist:
What was that?
US Negotiator:
That, my raghead bent over friend, was a code for a pilot now at 40,000 feet to check his data box for a weapons release code transmitted by the President of the United STates to nuke your arse.
Terrorist:
*silence*
US Negotiator:
I thought that would get your attention. I figure that you have 60 seconds before the bomb is dropped, maybe 45 seconds after that to pray to Allah that you're right.... else, you might want to pray to the other guy for a nice cozy spot.
Terrorist:
You have just ordered all of these hostages to their death. Why can you do this, you MUST negotiate!!
US Negotiator:
I am negotiating.
Terrorist:
*silence*
US Negotiator:
Surrender, or die. You're choice. Just know that after your dead, alot more people are gonna die... and they will all be somewhere along a certain funny looking black meteorite.
Terrorist:
*silence*
3rd voice:
Zulu at initial point, drop in 15
US Negotiator:
roger
Terrorist:
okay, we are coming out now. Please do not shoot us.
US Negotiator:
Mike Mike Sierra, cover and reset to IP.
Terrorist:
*silence*
US Negotiator:
Drop your weapons and come out with your hands above your heads, you will not be harmed if you surrender.
Terrorist:
sniff sniff okay sniff sniff
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PokeyJoe school of Terrorist Management
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To the weak knees....
I have a daughter.... nuff said.
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John Kerry's response?
Terrorist:
. . . zionist entity.
JK:
Okay. We surrender. I ordered our troops out of Iraq, and the zionist entity will not longer take your muslim land, and we have given the Holy City of Detroit's Immam Ali Akbar Mummia to institute Sharia.
Terrorist:
The Holy City of Detroit is free!
One can only dream...