Posted on 02/15/2007 10:19:33 AM PST by qam1
It can be argued, and without a hint of mockery, that the commitment crisis befalling the current marrying generation could come down to a question of deodorant.
And it's a big question.
Blinking at the vast rows of tubes in the pharmacy aisle, there are many considerations: Stick or aerosol? Regular or scented? Sea Breeze or Powder Fresh? Newfangled body spray or old-fashioned antiperspirant?
The options feel endless. And overwhelming.
The same can be said of the modern state of dating and mating and trying to marry, says Jillian Strauss, author of "Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single."
"We live in a multiple-choice society, and our options are totally paralyzing us," Strauss says. "And because we have so many choices, we raise our expectations."
Experts believe those mounting expectations factor heavily in the nation's declining marriage rate. Today, Americans look to their partners to be everything: best friends and lovers, protectors and counselors. They want marriages anchored in romance yet practically organized around family and finances.
"One of the fundamental problems about marriage today is that we have a very high standard of what it should be," says David Popenoe, a co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. "And that kind of marriage is actually unique in the history [of the institution]. In times past, a spouse was just someone who could help you get through life. It was a sexual and work partnership more than anything.
"But today, it's an emotional partnership. That's much harder to maintain."
And much harder to find, says Strauss. "We don't really need marriage for financial stability or status. We want it because we think it will make us happy," she says. "That's a [higher] bar to set. How can something make us happy all the time?"
Still, Strauss' generation digs through the masses of singles in search of it. As much as they've treasured their independence, as they brush against and into their 30s, they're wondering why they haven't been able to find that connection yet. And why it seemed so easy for their parents' generation.
The answer, says Strauss, is there's a lot stacked up against Generation X. Many values and ideals they were raised with go against the nature of marriage and the ingredients that make it work.
A successful marriage takes compromise, but her generation was raised to believe it is a dirty word. Marriage is about working as a team, but they were raised to think in terms of "I." Marriage is about consistency and companionship. Gen Xers crave change and value their independence.
And marriage requires tolerance. But Strauss says her peers stand at its threshold with a lofty checklist of unwavering standards. Singles today shop for mates like they do houses and cars. They log onto internet dating sights or Google potential partners, getting information that was never available to their parents' generation.
An opposing political affiliation, a misspelled word in an e-mail, a hobby that doesn't match their own - all these things gleaned at an instant, and all grounds to pull out of a relationship, or never plug in in the first place.
"We've started to commodify our partners. And we think we can have every single thing we want in a mate," says Strauss. If they disappoint, "we think there's an upgrade out there, just like a cellphone."
It comes back to a question of options. Whereas previous generations might have had 10 people to choose from at party, hers has hundreds to choose from on Match.com. They have to whittle them down somehow.
"You think, `I've waited this long. I'm not going to settle now. I'm going to wait for the right person'," says Strauss. "All the options seem to say the perfect person is out there."
Are We Asking Too Much?
Isn't this too much expectation put upon one person, upon one relationship? It might be, says Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage."
Yet, she's not an advocate of lowering expectations. "I have studied the 4,000 years of marriage where people did not expect any kind of fairness or fulfillment," says Coontz. "Some people might have managed to carve out a good marriage anyway, but it also meant a lot of people put up with some truly miserable marriages."
What she advocates is that people broaden expectations of relationships they have outside of romantic partnerships. No one person can meet every single need. The belief that they should, Coontz says, is a new one that's developed only in the last 30 years.
"More married people are cocooning with each other than ever before. And fewer married people say they have other friends and confidantes outside of marriage," says Coontz. "And that's probably a bad thing. Somehow we've gone from one extreme to the other."
From not expecting enough to expecting far too much.
But this does not have to spell gloom for modern-day courtship in America, says Strauss. "All these obstacles exist out there, seeming to conspire against our finding love. But it's all within ourselves to change it," she says.
Flip the paradigm, Strauss says. Embrace compromise, celebrate change. Come to terms with the fact that a committed relationship does not have to equate boredom, that swinging singledom is not always so swinging.
Take a risk - on mates, on their inevitable foibles, on easing some standards of that unwavering checklist.
They had sweaters back then? I thought it was all gowns-and-togas.
I believe the posters in that exchange were making fun of romance-movies, not talking about real life.
LOL
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