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Baseball vs. Football

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.	Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!	Football is played on a GRIDIRON, in a STADIUM, sometimes called SOLDIER FIELD or WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.	Football begins in the fall, when everything is dying.
In football you wear a helmet	In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs. "What down is it?	Baseball is concerned with ups. "Who's up? Are you up? I'm not up! He's up!"
In football you receive a penalty.	In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.	In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting, and unnecessary roughness.	Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: Rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...can't see the game, don't know if there is a game going on; mud on the field...can't read the uniforms, can't read the yard markers, the struggle will continue!	In baseball if it rains, we don't go out to play. "I can't go out! It's raining out!"
Baseball has the seventh-inning stretch.	Football has the two-minute warning
Baseball has no time limit: "We don't know when it's gonna end!"	Football is rigidly timed, and it will end "even if we have to go to sudden death."
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling. Emotions may run high or low, but there's not that much unpleasantness.	In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you were perfectly capable of taking the life of a fellow human being

And finally, the objectives of the the two games are completely different:

In football, the object is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! "I hope I'll be safe at home!"

classic!

Baseball vs. Football is my favorite Carlin bit. Very clever.

In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you were perfectly capable of taking the life of a fellow human being

I have to laugh at this - it's so true! 8-)