Posted on 12/13/2008 7:51:27 AM PST by firehat
THE MUCK AND THE MALADROIT ©
UNFRIENDLY FIRE
by Norman Liebmann
Medical science expects to find a cure for the common cold before they find a cure for Chicago politics. Democrat politicians in Chicago are still looking for a candidate to fill the seat left vacant by Al Capone. Where is Mrs. O’Leary’s cow when we need her?
Obama can’t remember the names Tony Rezko, Jeremiah Wright, William Ayres and Rod Blagojevich. I guess it’s a case of selective amnesia. Incidentally, is that a wig Rod Blagojevich is wearing or a hairy helmet?
As of January 20, 2009, telephone calls to the White House will be answered by the recorded voice saying, “Press 1 for Swahili”.
Condoleezza Rice played the piano for Queen Elizabeth. It is reported that nobody yelled “One More time!”
The rumor is Obama’s tax plan to save the economy is to bleed white people even whiter. Not to draw too fine a point on the matter, Sergeant York, Audie Murphy, and John Wayne were white.
Are Democrats trying to re-assemble the first O.J. jury to try Charlie Rangel?
The Republican celebration over the recent election of Saxby Chambliss to the Senate reveals how low the Party’s morale has fallen. With a name like Saxby Chambliss, as a boy he must have been a magnet for school yard bullies.
The Clintons have now made more comebacks than Rocky Balboa. Apparently, the Clintons never heard Tennessee Williams’ words of wisdom that “There’s a time to depart even when there’s no place to go”.
President Elect Obama would do well to put his father in charge of all government bailouts. The quickest bailout in history was Obama’s father’s bailout on Obama’s mother.
Now that Conservatives are labeled as “the far right”, will Barack‘s supporters be labeled as "the far black”? Within ten days of his Administration, Obama will have most cities in America looking like a prison riot, and might have to call upon Oprah Winfrey to broker the peace. Obama has already said he will deploy 20,000 troops to suppress any attempt by American citizens to resist attack by Muslins or Mexicans.
The Obama Administration begins on January 20. Caucasians and people who always did honest day’s work for a living are expected to be the hardest hit.
The Democrats did not win. The Republicans lost. Any way you look at it, a new freak show has moved into The Big Top. Despite their victory, the Dems are crankier than ever. I guess they just won’t take yes for an answer.
Someone leaked the Inauguration invitation list. The Inauguration Ceremony promises to be a Mardi Gras for flies.
You can sum up Washington’s capacity for corruption in one word – “total”.
Bill Clinton is still Beijing's man in Washington - except now he has to clear everything through his boss – Hillary. It is said the reason Obama appointed Hillary was because he thought she’d be the ideal person to accomplish an early pullout from Iraq since she managed her husband’s early pullout from Monica Lewinsky. (Not until the Clintons started writing books was there a measure of exactly how much unmitigated crap you can get on a single sheet of paper.)
Obama will send no troops to the Mexican border to control the influx of illegal aliens. If nothing else, it might have been interesting to see what would happen when the military meets the unsanitary. Unhappily, the tourist trade has fallen off. (As I recall, Elizabeth Taylor had more “adventures” south of the border than Zorro.)
The ACLU will probably insist the game of professional hockey be made a more politically correct game by playing with a white puck on black ice.
If Obama fails to eradicate AIDS within the first twenty minutes of his administration, will the gays accuse him of not really trying?
We finally found some folks who can take Al Sharpton seriously - Don Imus, Tawana Brawley and The Ringling Brothers.
Is it true Jimmy Carter’s “Habitat for Hilarity” has suggested building front porches on nuclear submarines? I guess he figures the porpoises need a place to kick back and relax.
Will Hillary Clinton send six members of her State Department staff to the Middle East to act as pallbearers for the State of Israel?
Some critics who have seen the movie “Milk” say Sean Penn’s performance gives new significance to the name of that candy called “Milk Duds”.
Curious medical condition noted: Bill Clinton has become the first case on record of being allergic to unmarked cards.
It would be interesting to calculate the number of mortgage defaulters along racial lines – or would that be racism?
Chicago is America’s Casbah. It doesn’t need neighborhood organizers. It needs neighborhood deodorizers.
Does Pope Benedict XVI need a PR man? David Axelrod is available.
Barack Obama gave his bride a thirty thousand dollar ring. Could this be the first time in her life Michelle feels “proud” of Tiffany’s? Incidentally, the fashion world still can’t get over Michelle’s black dress with the red blotches all over the front. She looks like Dracula threw up on her.
They are putting up surveillance cameras outside television stations. As they say at nudist camps, you never know who’s not watching.
To make sure his “heroism” is noticed, the military is designing a new medal for John Kerry. This new decoration will display a lame duck etched on an Edsel hubcap.
Bill Clinton says about his daughter, “Chelsea is the best politician in the family”. I suppose you can never tell what will result when chromosomes fornicate.
There is a depressing sign of the decreasing value of the American dollar. Some municipalities have parking meters that only take Kreugerands.
The religion of Voodoo seems to be picking up dropouts who lost faith in Scientology. People shouldn’t come down on Tom Cruise until Scientologists start sacrificing goats.
It’s said that San Franciscans are dressing up like Somali pirates and raiding gay bars. Their flag is a skull with the caption, “Are my crossbones on straight?” It’s said the Somali pirates are considering naming one of their ships, The Chappaquiddick, to celebrate a person who committed murder at sea and got away with it. (As a good will gesture, Hillary may suggest that the Obama Administration invite the Somali pirates to spend their next shore leave in Washington.) [Note: Dean Martin used to tell a joke about a kid carrying a sword and telling people he is a pirate. One man asked him, “If you’re a pirate where are your buccaneers?” The kid replied, “Under my buccan hat”.]
The black community is up in arms because Al Quada leader, Ayman Zawahiri, called Obama “a house Negro”. Obama missed a great chance to call Zawahiri “a cave Arab”.
The Fox News Channel may be dumping Alan Colmes. Silver linings don’t come any more silvery than that.
The enduring nature of a bureaucracy devolves on the bureaucrat creating a program that doesn’t work and remaining in the government so long as he swears not to fix it.
Considering its irresistible urge to loan money, Congress has made the letters USA stand for Usury States of America. In the meantime, Al Gore may talk Obama into making the colors of the American flag red white and green. I guess that’s another one of those “changes” Obama said we need.
Nancy Pelosi doesn’t deserve a podium, she deserves a scaffold.
Jeremiah’s Wright’s Trinity United Church is the only place where Barack Obama can swear he did not vote “Present”.
Barack Obama says there is no reason for people to stock up on guns, which is a good argument for stocking up on guns. Don’t be surprised if this Christmas you see Santa Claus with a gun rack mounted on his sled. These are dangerous times. (Obama might consider the words of Woody Allen who said, "Man kills for food - and sometimes for beverage”. Yes, Woody, it’s a real jungle out there.)
Obama will redefine the word “jobs” as FDR did during The Depression - when it meant the government would give every lazy slob a shovel to lean on. The Obama plan appears to be to change America into a nation of “dogs that won’t hunt”.
Obama will probably employ people to paint white stripes on the ground, and when they raise enough money, get them to slip highways under them. When this is accomplished, Obama can force the automobile industry to make cars that nobody wants with ready-made places for them to break down.
The Supreme Court has refused to hear whether or not Barack Obama is a citizen of the United States of America proving again, SCOTUS will preserve its record of being the surest place on Earth to dodge a bullet. It is apparent that Obama will continue to resist producing his real birth certificate, which could mean he could be the first fetus to occupy the Oval Office. (There is alleged evidence that Barack Obama was born in Africa and that there is a paw print on his birth certificate.)
Is it a part of Obama’s humanitarian gesture to send every homeless person a stimulus check even though they have no mailing address?
Would it be easier for the CIA to find Osama bin Laden if they gave the caves in Pakistan postal zones?
It is apparent that Barack Obama cannot deal with America’s problems without breaking America’s laws.
Was there ever a more precipitous or a more degrading political descent than the recent one in Minnesota – which went from George Mikan to Al Franken? People who say politics has no bottom are mistaken. Minnesota hit it with Al Franken.
Why is it homosexuals can’t make up their minds about what sex they are – but are sure about what sex the rest of us ought to be?
The Obama Administration is out to prove that the only things Americans are superior to are the things they can do without.
Because of racial diversity, eventually people won’t be able to tell a graduation class photo from a juke box.
Her NBC show having “bombed”, Rosie O’Donnell might abandon comedy and consider a career as a sumo wrestler.
The Pentagon is getting input from the dainty Charlie Frank, which means the next war will not be planned, but choreographed.
Youth will be served. January 20, 2009, should be interesting because Obama will be the first President to be inaugurated and have his testicles descend at the same time.
When you think about it, every Muslim alive today is due to a Crusader too lazy to sharpen his sword.
When they sing “Old Man Ribba’” do they mean the Potomac?
Having successfully maneuvered a battleship through the Panama Canal, the Russian Navy is enlisting illegal aliens to show them how to sneak a battleship up the Rio Grande – perhaps sideways.
George W. Bush could pay America a great service with his final Executive Order which should be “Take out Mecca”.
And this …
Obama says it is going to get worse before it gets better. In fact it’s already gotten worse before it gets worse. Well, he did promise us “change”. The Obama think tank hasn’t convened yet and it is already “down a quart”. In any event, Barack Hussein Obama will be keeping a real President out of a job.
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Nice!
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