Howdy there Jim. We've been roughed up here in Alabama but the weather was good this week so I'm in for a hundred bucks.
Posted on 05/07/2011 1:53:43 PM PDT by Jim Robinson
Think about it - my 11-year-old loves to talk on the phone.
I am LDS therefore....
Howdy there Jim. We've been roughed up here in Alabama but the weather was good this week so I'm in for a hundred bucks.
Thank you very much, Monterrosa-24!!
Okay....per Jim Robinsons request, it’s the entertainment hour.
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish??”
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ‘em swim ‘round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ‘em home.”
“What a line of horse sh-t....you’re under arrest.”
The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment Man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”
“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.
The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the warden!
“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Okay, okay...this one is true.
I had a Samoyed......what a smart a$$.
He knew how to tattle. Puck (every one get it now?) was barking at a cat a couple yards down one night and he wouldn’t shut up when I told him to. The back door to the yard is by the laundry that goes out onto a screened porch. The door is kept open by a painted cast iron door stop, which I picked up and went outside and I threw it at the chain link fence near Puck. Obviously the fence rattled loudly and Puck stopped barking, looked over his shoulder, and that was it for the night.
The next day, my wife is sorting laundry by that same door. I’m in the kitchen, up one level.
Puck comes in and sits down by the door and just looks at my wife. She finally notices him just looking at her. She says “What Puck?”. Puck jumps up and starts waging his tail rather vigorously and looks down at the door stop. She doesn’t get it the first time. She continues sorting. Puck sits back down and again just looks at her. She again notices his intense stare and says again “What Puck?”. Again he jumps up and wags in the same manner and stares at the door stop.
I’m in the kitchen, right? Minding my own business fixing something for myself. I hear “Thomas?.....Did you throw the door stop at Puck?”.
Of course, I have to explain to my dear wife that I threw it at the fence.
Did I mention that Puck was a smart a$$?
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the “ Toys for Tots “ program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.
The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw... injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Now that was a well written Police report .
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.”
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”
So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back.”
So they laid-off the night watchman.
World’s shortest books:
____________________________________
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama
____________________________________________
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Forward by George Soros
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
__________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
_________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up— 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer— no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head—almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse —strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
Members of the family and social circle have been
Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
The dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Then they kick him in the ice hole.”
You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It’s so easy to fool OLD people
Hi - I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.
She said that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.
Simple if you REALLY think about it........
Two Minnesotans are sittin’ in a boat.
So Ole asks Sven, “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off der boats?”
To which Sven replies, “Well, yA know, if they fell forwards they’d still be in da boat!”
There ya have it then ...
Bear Remover:
A man wakes up one morning in Montana to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over quick.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
A woman from Los Angeles , CA , who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . On the highest point on the tract there was a very large tree. Wanting a good view of the natural splendor of her land she started to climb this tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her and in her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried the Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
After waiting three hours before the doctor reappeared, the angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I’m sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down.”
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Queen’s Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent? “
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one...” He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men’s room and recognized Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall.
Biden asked Powell, “Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Colin Powell yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell!”
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON WITH OUR
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, ‘Where did you get such a great bike?’
The second engineer replied, ‘Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, ‘Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.’
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, ‘What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’ The doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!’ The priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’
He said, ‘Hello, George! What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’ The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’ The doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’ The engineer said, ‘Why can’t they play at night?’
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, ‘Why does it work?’
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, ‘How does it work?’
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, ‘How much will it cost?’
The graduate with an arts degree asks, ‘Do you want fries with that?’
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, ‘It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.’
Another said, ‘No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.’
The last one said, ‘No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?’
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Because I just love all the Mormon bashing. /sar
I support Ron Paul for his entertainment value.
Right up until he gets voted off the island. ;-)
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