Posted on 09/29/2011 6:56:40 AM PDT by Kaslin
WORK DAZE
BY BOB GOLDMAN
RELEASE: THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2011 AND THEREAFTER
Human Resources, You Serious?
What's the easiest way to get fired? You could tell your managers what you really think of their policies and personalities, or if you really want to speed up the process, you could simply tell human resources.
As the only department with a "human" in its name, the HR department positions itself as an oasis of safety in the business battlefield. Marketing is the home of marauding Mongols. The executive wing is populated with rabid Genghis Khans. But HR is full of helpful Heidi's. HR is the Switzerland of office geography, and they're only here to make your work life better.
Or are they?
If you still cling to the notion that HR people are on your side, it's certainly understandable. When you first came into the company as a bright-eyed, optimistic applicant, it was through the HR birth canal. And when you leave the company, a bitter, broken husk of your former self, it will be through the HR disposal unit. The lifeblood of our careers is spilled in the hallways of the HR department, but that doesn't mean we also have to spill our guts.
Amy Levin-Epstein, a writer on CBS MoneyWatch, agrees. In her recent article, "4 Things Never to Share with HR," Levin-Epstein blows the whistle on why HR blows. "HR is there to help you deal with your manager," she says, "but they're also there to help your manager deal with you, so don't count on privacy."
No. 1 of the four things not to share is anything "you wouldn't share with your direct manager." In other words, if you expect HR to keep your opinions of your manager confidential, you've got another thought coming and another job coming, as well.
"HR works in that difficult space between employees and management," Bruce Clark, CEO of a human resource management firm, tells Levin-Epstein, "and must act on serious issues they learn about, whether you want them to act or not."
If you want to know on which side of that "difficult space" HR invariably leans, ask yourself the following question. Who pays the HR person's salary? If it isn't you, you shouldn't be too surprised if the confidential concern about your supervisor's sanity that you whisper into the shell-like ear of an HR person quickly makes its way into the in-basket of the same, insane supervisor.
"Go to HR for help in solving problems," CEO Clark suggests "but not as a substitute for a best friend or a neighbor." Or a pet beagle, or a talking bagel, or a complete stranger on the bus, none of whom will have any idea of how to solve your problem, but they won't go running to your manager, either.
"Your medical or financial issues" are no-no No. 2. "HR wants stable performers," Levin-Epstein observes, "and may be concerned if aspects of your home life seem unstable."
Considering that your home life would make an episode of "Jersey Shore" look tame, sharing the antics of your family, friends and co-dependents could result in your immediate dismissal from any position of responsibility. On the other hand, it could also highlight your ability to survive in a hostile environment, and win for you a coveted transfer to the Kabul branch.
No. 3 on the do-not-share list is your online profile "if it's not professional." According to the article, "your HR rep may check out your online profile just to make sure you're not bashing the company online or acting in a way that reflects them poorly." Since you do most of your company bashing off-line, at your desk, surrounded by your co-workers, the HR snoops should give you a passing grade for digital loyalty. And who knows -- those Facebook photos of you doing bong-hits in the main conference room, in your underwear, could charm the corporate snoops. But I wouldn't count on it.
The fourth and final item on the list concerns telling HR just how much you enjoyed your maternity or paternity leave. The reason for this is not because they may somehow learn that you took the leave, but didn't bother to actually get pregnant in the first place. They're so picky in HR! The real reason is that you must never, ever even hint at the idea that there are places in the universe other than work where you'd rather be. Even Disneyland is a drag compared to being chained to your desk working for a psycho.
Of course, it could be worse. Much worse. You could be working in HR.
Add to that that HR bimbos are generally not the sharpest spoons in the drawer (with some exceptions) and you are better off just never working for a company big enough to have an HR department (says the guy who, the economy being what it is, just took a job with a company that has an HR department).
Don’t count on HR for anything. HR is there to figure out how to fire you without getting sued. Steer clear.
Go ahead and complain to HR. The first thing any of 'em'll do upon your leaving their office is pick up their phone and call your boss.
A big part is that they measure themselves (time to fill jobs) instead of metrics that relate to the business (ROI). They are also stuck with a payroll and compliance technology as the core of their HRIS.
That, plus the fact that they don't attract the brightest.
Evolution is slow and hard.
It may have "Human" in the name, but "Resources" is the key. You are nothing more than a resource to be used and thrown away.
I hate the name of those departments.
It used to be called “Personnel”. Then it became “Industrial Relations”. Over the years, it has devolved into a place to put intellectually-challenged chip-on-the-shoulder minority females in positions of power. We affectionately referred to it as “Inhumane Resources”.
HR is where many of the legally necessary AA hires reside. HR also functions as the political enforcement agent of the left within companies.
There are some people you should be honest with. Doctors used to be such people, before HHS demanded access to all medical records, for example. Now they are involuntary informers to the federal government.
But there are many people you should *never* be honest with, because of their ability and likelihood of “doing you a mischief” if they have the opportunity and attention span to do so. Such as HR.
Yet lack of honesty with them is not enough, you must be downright scheming, distracting and duplicitous.
The real art is being able to do so without others getting harmed, because your intention is, or at least should be, to protect yourself, not foul up others.
For instance, if there are other employees or managers who are incompetent, obstructionist, or psychotic, you should make no effort with HR to get them fired. Instead you should work hard to get them *promoted*. Talk about them to HR in glowing terms. And there is a method in this madness.
According to the Peter Principle, “in a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence”. And this is the level where the bad employee or manager finds themself.
But a hidden axiom of the Peter Principle should read, “yet once they are promoted to a level above that, they can no longer hide the fact that they are incompetent, and get fired.”
Rather backhanded way to achieve the same end, but it works.
It also means that you are no longer the subject of interest to HR.
HR tends to be where they hide the affirmative action hires. And their job increasingly deals with submitting paperwork to the Federal Government to prove the company is not discriminating against minorities, women, gays, left-handed Quakers, etc. So much so that I don’t see where they have time to go surfing employees’ Facebook pages.
I agree. I just started working for a small business back in May and it was the best move I’ve ever made. You get to learn the whole business and wear multiple hats. Large corporations are like governments and foster a not my job attitude. People just become robots doing the same narrow job description over and over again.
“There are some people you should be honest with. Doctors used to be such people, before HHS demanded access to all medical records, for example. Now they are involuntary informers to the federal government.”
Great point. I won’t even tell my doctor I smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol or eat garbage food. I am 32 years old, perfectly healthy (flawless physicals haven’t been sick enough to require a sick visit to the doctor in 4 years), 155 pounds, and I run half marathons in 2 hours and run on average 25 miles per week. I don’t need the government to tell me I need to pay more for insurance because of a few vices that are inconsequential to my personal overall health.
I am making a note of everyone on this thread who commented on how HR stinks and will personally see to it that none of you are hired at my company ;-)
Signed, HR Professional
PS: I am not a bimbo. I am a hussy. Get it straight.
LOL
HR is not there for you.
HR is there to protect the company FROM you.
I once discovered a paycheck error that resulted in the company having to re-issue about 200 paychecks (for more OT money)... for 6 months after that my paychecks were lost, delayed, accidentally destroyed, etc. Never got ONE on time.
Yeah, weak petty people generally run HR departments.
Yup. And if you haven’t read “The Peter Principle” you should. It’s even more relevant now than it was in 1969 given all of the AA, EEOC crap that large companies have to deal with now.
The reviewer was an angry black male who gigged us because not only did we not have enough black employees (although the small city we were based in had very few blacks), but also because we didn't have enough Hispanics and women in supervisory positions. These were the employees he picked to interview. Some of them, who were perfectly happy in their positions, were puzzled by his line of questioning. One said, "he's trying to make us disgruntled".
Additionally, he wanted the company to recruit blacks from a city 30 miles away, and provide bus transportation (this in Central Massachusetts with frequent winter snow and ice storms). My manager was kissing up to him, and making all kinds of wild promises. Disgusting.
My sis works in HR. It’s not a fun job being the hatchet man for a 2,000 employee company. It is easier than it used to be in some ways, because they can now take their pick of qualified applicants. In 2005 they could hardly keep the place staffed. But in good times and bad, they still have to fire people, and that means she gets death threats and tire slashings.
I’ll tell you another thing, some of her starry-eyed college-girl views on racial and gender issues have evolved in ways that give me a grim smile of satisfaction. Not everyone in HR is a politically correct drone. Racial bean counting paperwork and the need for constant mollification of angry, entitled, threatening members of certain protected groups eventually affects all but the most committed HR types.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.