He’ll come out as gay and everything will be fine.
Target and General Mills will sponsor the cancelled hometown parade.
He’ll jump Ellen’s couch and be on Dancing with the Stars.
After that he’ll run for US Senator for Massachusetts and win after tossing his medals over the White House fence.
Keith Ellison will swear him in on a koran.
And, of course, Bergdahl will be awarded the Purple Heart. What for, you ask? This will be the first time a Purple Heart was awarded for abrasion due to repeated acts of sodomy by his captors/lovers.