Excuse me, I’m from the Straw Police. Can you tell me whether or not you requested that straw with your drink? What is your intended use of that straw? How will you be disposing of said straw when you have finished sucking on it?
“911! What is your emergency?”
“Hi. Yes. I am having lunch at the Penera Bread on Lambard. This waitress brought be a glass of water and offered me a straw. I didn’t ask for it. I would have made her take it back, but I didn’t notice at first. I am keeping the straw for evidence. Please send cops quick. I have to hang up before she sees me calling you.”
“Maam, police are on their way. Stay where you are and remain calm. Don’t use the straw.”
I’m going to place it inside a plastic milk jug then toss it in the garbage!