Dumb Laws

http://www.swiftsite.com/shayne-michael/sq_3.htm ^ | August 1998

[Tai_Chung]

Federal Laws

• Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the US since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates. For all my younger readers, that should answer your questions about trying to mail your little brother to China.

Alabama

• It's illegal to drive while blindfolded. Now driving blind is okay.
• Anyone who wears a false mustache in church and causes "unseemly laughter" is subject to immediate arrest. Gallager isn't even allowed in the state.
• Additionally, in Mobile, it's illegal for pigeons to eat pebbles from composite roofs. As if our prisons aren't overcrowded enough. Now we want to lock up pigeons.
• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. Wow!

Alaska

• In Alaska, it is against the law to look at a moose from an airplane.
• In Alaska it's also illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. Boy, I can't count the number of times in college we got a moose wasted &... Well never mind.

Arizona

• In Tucson it's illegal for a woman to wear pants. God, I wish that was a law where I live.
• Every man in Phoenix must wear pants when he comes to town. For woman, I guess it's optional.
• In Glendale, Arizona, it is against the law for a car to back up.
• In Nogales, it's illegal to wear suspenders. I hear the Three Stooges are wanted on felony charges in this city.
• In Mohave County, Arizona, a decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. Well, that ought to teach him!
• Anyone stealing citrus fruit in Yuma can be punished with Castor Oil.

Arkansas

• It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas in that state. And if you do it with the wrong accent, I believe you'll also get shot.
• It is legal in Arkansas if a husband beats his wife - but only once a month.
• Dogs aren't allowed to bark after 6pm.

California

• In San Jose you may not sleep in your neighbor's outhouse without permission. Damn!
• Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light. Who needs the Bug Zapper when you have a loaded AK-47?
• In Belvedere, California, a city council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." Here's the funny part: If you obey this law, they'll still lock you up.
• It is prohibited to shoot an animal from an automobile, except a whale. If you take out a few surfers along the way, I guess that's alright.
• In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public. Stay away from a woman in this city with an alligator skin purse.
• San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they're on a leash.
• And don't even think of wiping your car clean with your used underwear.
• In Los Angeles, CA, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.
• In Chico California there's a $500 fine for anyone detonating nuclear weapons within city limits. Well, that $500 ought to cover the damage.
• You will also need a hunting license to put up a mouse trap.
• And, if you're robbing a bank, you're not allowed to shoot at the teller with a water gun

Colorado

• It's illegal for anyone to wear a mask in Denver, Colorado. I hear Halloween the prisons are just overflowing with unruly six-year-olds.
• A law passed in Denver says that the dog catcher must warn dogs before impounding them by posting a notice on a tree in the city parks for three consecutive days.
• In Pueblo it's illegal for a dandelion to grow within the city limits.
• In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.

Connecticut

• You can be stopped by the police for riding a bike faster than 65 mph. You will also incidentally be contacted by the Guinness Book of World Records if you accomplish this.
• In Hartford, it's illegal to educate dogs.
• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
• In New Britan the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 mph, even when going to a fire.
• Don't even think about walking across the street on your hands. Someone who would try something that stupid deserves to get hit by a semi.

Delaware

• In Delaware, you’ll get in trouble if you try to pawn your wooden leg. Watch out Long John Silver.
• An getting married on a dare is grounds for annulment. Damn, how am I going to meet chicks now?

Florida

• If you tie your elephant to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would had you parked a car there.
• In Florida, any form of sexual contact other than missionary position is a misdemeanor.
• Men may not be seen in public wearing any type of strapless gown. Now, if I understand correctly a dress that covers their shoulders is completely okay.
• It's illegal to sing in any public place while wearing a swimming suit. For John Tesh, it's illegal no matter what he's wearing.

Georgia

• A Georgia law prohibits persons from saying "Oh, boy" in Jonesboro. For Michael Jackson it's a felony.
• The Georgia town of Conyers ventures to curb speech by prohibiting the phrase "Two fried eggs and a fritter for a quarter."
• Why did the Chicken cross the road? He didn't. In Quitman it's against the law for the chicken to cross the road.
• And, in Atlanta it’s against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a street lamp.
• Georgia law provides that it is a misdemeanor for any citizen to attend church worship on Sunday unless he is equipped with a rifle and it is loaded. After reading this I decided I wouldn't be playing Georgia any time soon.

Hawaii

• In Hawaii it is against the law for you to insert pennies in your ear. I guess this is used mostly to lock up those annoying magicians who keep finding change in their audience's ears and act like the decade-old trick is actually amusing.

Idaho

• In Idaho you may not fish for trout from the back of a giraffe.
• In Idaho, the legislature passed a law making it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. Remember that next Valentine's Day ladies.
• In Wallace, Idaho it's unlawful for anyone to sleep in a dog kennel.
• You may also not buy a chicken after dark without the permission of the sheriff. Now my readers in Idaho: I dare you to call the sheriff at 1am and ask his permission to buy a chicken.

Illinois

• State law in Illinois makes it illegal to speak English. The official language of that state is American.
• It's illegal for anyone to give a lit cigar to a dog, cat, or any other domesticated animal. And if you do so in public, make sure it's in the non-smoking section or you might be guilty of a felony.
• In Chicago it's illegal to fish in your pajamas.
• Women in Joliet, can be arrested for trying on more than six dresses in one store. I've been to the mall with woman before. I know some who would be locked up for the rest of their lives if this law was enforced anywhere else.
• In Guernee, it's against the law for woman weighing more than 200lbs to ride a horse in shorts. The horse is usually the one to press charges.
• In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. Doesn't that just spoil all the romance.
• A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. "Get those damn fire hoses out of my way, I'm trying to finish my salad."
• In the same city, it's also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera. It may be a felony if the poodle gets loose and humps the fat lady's leg.
• It is against the law to speak English in Illinois. California's considering adopting this law.
• In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire. If your car's on fire: don't change into more casual attire, get out.
• A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts
• It's illegal for bees to fly over the town of Kirkland. Now how are they gonna enforce that?
• In Zion City it's illegal to make ugly faces at anyone. I wonder who defines what an ugly face is?
• In Illinois, animals can be sent to jail. A monkey served five days in jail for shoplifting.
• In Winnetka theater managers can kick out any patron who has "odoriferous feet." So, go ahead, put your feet on the chair in front of you in a movie theater in Illinois.

Indiana

• Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
• Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend. Now, a monkey smoking pot is a different story.
• In Munice, it's illegal to bring a fishing tackle into a cemetery. That's good to know. You have no idea how many times I've wanted lay some roses and a fried trout on Grandma's headstone.
• Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend, Indiana, of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.
• Don't even think of going to a movie house or riding a bus with four hours of eating garlic.

Iowa

• State law forbids anyone from charging admission to see a one-armed piano play. I guess it was rude the way the audience always gave the guy a hand after his set.
• Kisses my not last more than five minutes. I think this law was a guy's idea. "Sweetheart, I wanted the romance to last hours and hours, but in Iowa that's a felony."
• In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Kansas

• It's illegal to carry bees in your hat in the streets of Lawrence, Kansas.
• It's also against the law to catch fish with your bare hands.
• In Natoma it's against the law to practice knife throwing at men wearing striped suits. For woman and people in plaid, I guess it's okay.
• In Lang it's illegal to ride a mule down Main Street, unless the mule is wearing a straw hat. You know, in most cities men in white coats will take you away if you insist on making your mule wear head gear.
• Kansas law also prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.
• In McLough, Kansas, it’s illegal to wash your false teeth in a public drinking fountain. Actually, this might be a good law.
• In Wichita, a father cannot frighten his daughter's boyfriend with a gun.
• In the same city mistreating your mother-in-law may not be used as ground for divorce.
• Furthermore it is a serious offense to carry a concealed bean snapper. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "What the hell is a bean snapper."

Kentucky

• In this state a person is considered "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." I understand the drunk driving test there is quiet amusing. "Okay, lay of the ground and try not to fall."
• A Kentucky statute says:
  
  "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."
  
  Later, an amendment was proposed:
  
  "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to any female weighing less than
  sixty pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female horses."
• According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year. I wonder if this law is enforced?
• It's also illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana

• Biting someone with your real teeth is a "simple assault." On the other hand, biting someone with false teeth is an "aggravated assault." Apparently too many senior citizens were trying to hold up banks with their dentures.
• It's also against the law to gargle in public. You know nobody likes when I do this either.

Maine

• In Portland, Maine, it’s illegal to tickle a girl under the chin with a feather duster. This is why fugitives on Americas Most Wanted are almost never from Maine.
• Setting fire to a mule is also prohibited.
• Tickling a girl with a feather duster while setting fire to a mule might be a felony.
• In Rumford it's against the law to bite your landlord. And I figured that would be a great way to let the guy know the rent check was going to be late.

Maryland

• In Maryland it is absolutely illegal to play Randy Newman's, "Short People." I guess no famous basketball players came out of this state.
• In Baltimore everyone who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.
• In Halethorpe it's illegal to kiss for more than one second. Finally, a city that enforces the kind of sexual performance most men are capable of.
• In Maryland it is lawful to eat oysters. But not to treat them badly.
• In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.
• In Maryland, it does not matter how dirty a sink is, the law forbids cleaning it.
• It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

Massachusetts

• State law bans dueling with water pistols. Why? Is there any danger except that it might end up looking like you wet your pants.
• In 1659 this state incidentally outlawed Christmas. Talk about politically incorrect.
• In Salem married couples are forbidden from sleeping nude in rented rooms. So if you want to sleep nude in a rented room in this city, make sure you do it with a total stranger.
• In Boston it was illegal for citizens to take more than one bath a week. This is also an enforceable law in France.
• In North Andover citizens are prohibited from carrying, "Space Guns."
• Mourners may not eat more than three sandwiches at a wake. Apparently some people are crashing Grandpa Joe's funeral for the free food.
• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts. I guess it just wasn't cost effective to have the hooker and the meter running at the same time.
• In Holyoke it's illegal to water your lawn when it is raining. By the way, it's also incredibly stupid. If you're that dumb, you should be locked up.
• Goatees are illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Michigan

• Under state law dentists are officially classified as mechanics. This is one state I won't be getting dental work in.
• In Clawson it's legal to sleep with your cows, pigs, or chickens.
• In Michigan a man legally owns his wife's hair. Those bald woman aren't cancer patients, they're divorced.
• In Detroit it's against the law to ogle a woman from a moving car. So if your going to make obscene gestures and leer at woman passing by, make sure you get out of the car and do it subtly.
• Also, if a woman leaves her husband, then he is entitled to all of her clothing.
  "Mrs. Smith, why were you topless on Main Street."
  "Sorry, sir. My husband got all my wonderbra in the divorce proceedings."

Minnesota

• Woman may face up to 30 days in jail for impersonating Santa Claus. You realize to make impersonating someone a crime, you have to believe that person is real.
• In this state it's also illegal to tease skunks. Fortunately, people who do this are usually easy to identify.
• In Minneapolis double parkers can be put on a chain gang.

Mississippi

• In Mississippi it's still legal to kill your servant. Who says these people are a little backwards?! How uncalled for!
• In Turo a man cannot marry until he's killed either six blackbirds or three crows. That's it. Give us guys any excuse not to commit...

Missouri

• Missouri considers drunkenness an inalienable right.
• In St Louis woman must get dressed before they can be rescued by an on-duty fireman.
• It's also illegal there to let rubbish collect on your roof.
• In the same city, it's also illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

Montana

• In Bozeman all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown is illegal- if they're nude. So, wear socks.
• In Whitehall it's illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to its wheels. Isn't it also impossible?

Nebraska

• In this state it is absolutely illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state licenses. If you want to get around this law, give dad the scissors and the shampoo.
• In Waterloo it is forbidden for barbers to eat onions between 7am and 7pm. I hear Italian barbers are locked up the moment they walk into town.
• In Omaha it's also forbidden for barbers to shave their customer's chests. Besides, it really tick the woman off.
• If a child burps in Omaha, his parents may be arrested. That would almost make going to church fun as a kid.

Nevada

• It's illegal to drive camels along Nevada's main highway. Besides it really slows the trailers down.
• Everyone walking the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask. Now, I have to say, there are some cities I've played where this might be a good idea.
• In Eureka, Nevada, men with walrus mustaches are not allowed to kiss a women. Like any woman is gonna let a guy with a mustache larger than his face.

New Hampshire

• In New Hampshire it's illegal to sell your clothing to pay of a gambling debt. I hear a game of strip poker here is a felony.

New Jersey

• In Manville you cannot feed animals cigarettes or whiskey in a public park. Feeding the pigeons just won't be the same.
• It's illegal to buy ice cream after 6pm in Newark unless you have a written note from your doctor.
• In Trenton it's illegal to throw bad pickles in the street. So, if you intend to do this, by all means, make sure the pickles are fresh.

New Mexico

• It's illegal for woman to appear unshaven in public.
• In Raton it's against the law for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.
• It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in New Mexico. Of course if the couple includes an unshaven woman that's a different story.

New York

• You can be fined $25 for flirting.
• If you are convicted of this crime twice you might be forced to go outside wearing a pair of horse blinders. That of course makes you an easy target for those infamous NY muggers whose crime carries a mandatory apology.
• In Carmel a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
• In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. If you have another reason, I guess it's okay.
• You'll need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
• In Woodstock, NY it is illegal to walk your bear on the street without a leash.

North Carolina

• You can't use elephants to plow cotton fields in North Carolina.
• It's also illegal in this state to have sex in a church yard. I have never met any woman who would want to. Obviously, I'm looking for dates in the wrong place.
• In Charolette, woman must have their body covered by 16 yards of clothing at all times. Doesn't that make it hard to walk?
• Here's a town that doesn't live up to it's name. Horneytown has banned all message parlors.

North Dakota

• Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
• North Dakota law makes it illegal for anyone to go to bed wearing shoes or boots.
• In Farho, a person can be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing. And if they're dancing like an idiot, (most people), I think they can even get the electric chair.

Ohio

• In Paulding, Ohio, a policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.
• In Bexley, Ohio an ordinance prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.
• In Oxford it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. Thank God, they're not applying this law to men. We'd all be locked up.
• In Cleveland woman are forbidden from wearing patented leather shoes. Apparently, men were using these types of shoes to look at reflections of their underwear. So woman, if you're going to wear these types of shoes, for God's sakes don't wear underwear.
• In Columbus it's illegal to sell Cornflakes on Sunday. I had no idea Nabisco was one of the seven deadly sins.
• An Ohio statute prohibits motorists in Youngstown from running out of gas.
• No two woman may drink from the same whisky bottle in Cleveland, Ohio.

Oklahoma

• It's against the law to get a fish drunk in Oklahoma. It's also impossible. What are you gonna do? Pour the Bud Light overboard and hope the trout gets so wasted they jump into the canoe voluntarily?
• Here's one that really cracked me up. In Harthahorne City it is unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.
• You may be arrested, fined, and jailed for making faces at a dog.
• Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without a license.
• In Schulter it's illegal for woman to gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel. Apparently, Casinos were adverse the fact they kept getting lucky.

Oregon

• In Klamath, it's illegal to kick the heads of the snakes. Even at the Zoo?!
• State law says that a person may not bathe without wearing suitable clothing. It must cover you from neck to knee.
• Oregon state law forbids the use of canned corn in fishing.

Pennsylvania

• A special cleaning ordinance prohibits housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in their home. I wonder if I could be arrested for all the times I cleaned my garage and shoved the whole bloody mess in my neighbor's lawn.
• It's also illegal to discharge a gun, revolver or cannon at a wedding.
• In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel.
• No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. I guess bachelors have to get married if they wanna get drunk. Ironic, it's usually the other way around.

South Carolina

• A Fountain Inn law once required horses to wear pants at all times.

South Dakota

• In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. The beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

Tennessee

• In Tennessee a man must walk in front of any car driven by a woman while waving a red flag as a warning.
• It's also illegal shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. How did anyone pass this law and include the word whales in it? There aren't any oceans within 200 miles of Tennessee.
• In Tennessee, you are not allowed to use your lasso to catch fishes.
• It's also illegal to drive any car while you're asleep.
• An Oneida ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'."
• In Dyersburg a woman may not call a man for asking for a date without her own hair without her husband's permission.

Texas

• A person may not go barefoot without first obtaining a five-dollar permit.
• In Texas, it's also illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. What kind of gang puts graffiti on a person's cow? What would it say? Got Milk?
• It's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate. Don't you just hate one-way relationships.
• Another Texas law says that criminals have to tell their victims 24 hours in advance what kind of criminal offence they will commit
• According to Texas, when two trains meet at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
• It's also illegal to curse in front of or indecently expose a corpse. Make sure you never do both at the same time.
• As late as 1932, jail-breaking in Texas was not a crime if the prisoner escaped without using a gun.

Utah

• High heels taller than an inch and a half have been outlawed.
• No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah.
• In Utah, birds have the right of way on all highways.
• Pharmacists in Trout Creek may not sell gun powder as a cure for a headache.
• Bare in mind, other crimes like multiple wives, weren't illegal in Utah until recently.
• It is against the law of Utah to fish from horseback.

Vermont

• It is mandatory for everyone to take at least one bath each week -- On Saturday night. So if you ask a woman out and she says, "Sorry, that's the day I wash my hair." She might be telling the truth.
• It is illegal for women to wear false teeth without the written permission of their husbands in Vermont.

Virginia

• In Richmond it's even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.

Washington

• It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police he is entering town.
• Lollipops have also been banned.
• So, if you plan on entering the state of Washington with a lollipop, make sure you phone the chief of police first.
• It's also illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag. Burning it is still okay. Polka dots a big no-no.
• In Seattle you can't carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.
• In addition, goldfish can ride the city buses in bowls only if they keep still.

West Virginia

• No child may attend school with their breath smelling like wild onions.
• In Norton it's illegal to tickle a girl.
• In Nicholas County o member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service. "So, two Jews, a Catholic, and a Rabbi go into a bar."

Wisconsin

• In La Crosse it's illegal to play checkers in public. Say, "King me," to an attractive female and you may be guilty of a felony.
• In Racine it's illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
  
• In the town of Connorsville it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

Wyoming

• An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer. This is incidentally also against the laws of physics.

[Hugh Akston]

In Florida, any form of sexual contact other than missionary position is a misdemeanor.

No worries. They can't figure out how to use a ballot there, and they can't count straight. Odds are they can't come up with anything more creative than the missionary either.

[Victor_VI]

bump

[1rudeboy]

To characterize these as laws is somewhat misleading. Generally, they are not a product of the legislature, but rather a court case whose facts, sometimes conveniently, are not mentioned.