Vanity: I have a slacker daughter

me | 12-1-01 | mykdsmom

[NC_Libertarian]

Well, I was somewhat slack in school, and so I sympathize. :)

I'm glad my dad didn't cut me off! I never did get very good grades, but I completed my degree and have a very good job today. (I graduated in 1996)

The first year in college is often the worst. It is tough adjusting to so much freedom and keeping up with class.

I'm sure the advice of these others is the right answer, but I suppose I see it more from your daughter's point of view. A little more time to be young before faceing the cold harsh realities of the world? Hehe. :)

[SCalGal]

I think you're doing the right thing- you told her up front that she had to maintain her grades and she chose to have fun. There has to be a consequence.

Community colleges are good... not too expensive, and it'll give her a chance to still get an education. And having to get a lousy menial job may be one of the best things you ever do to her.

[Cacique]

Let her pay her own way in the world. Cut her lose and tell her to earn her way in the world. I worked since high school and paid my way through college and graduate school. You appreciate your education a heck of a lot more if it comes out of your hide. It also teaches you that those jaded professors have no clue what it is to be a proletariat and you are more apt to become conservative.

My parents encouraged me to get an education, but my father in particular made it a point that whatever I wanted in life I would have to pay for it on my own. He survived seven years in WWII and to him the most important virtue in life is that you learn to survive on your own because when the shit hits the fan you have only yourself to trust and depend on.

[Registered]

When are you going to start that website :www.bigernoneverything.com? HA!

[opinionator]

I went throught the same thing (as a student). I just wasn't interested in learning. She may not be ready for college. Use the carrot and stick approach. Remove her for a semester and have her go to a local community college. Tell her that if she does well, she can go back to the private school. Make her earn her way back in. Don't be too harsh, but don't be too lean. Clear it with the school.

[RightOnline]

Take it from a dad of seven.........including two college kids.

You're doing the right thing. Yank her young a** out of that school ASAP. Her problem is that she's not paying for it. That's one of my Two Rules Concerning College: A) You WILL go to college, and B) You WILL pay for it.

She blew the shot y'all gave her. Now..........YOU have her come back home near you (forget dad; like you said, sounds like a wuss; NOT what she needs right now). Have her go to a community college for two years.........and make her pay for it. Now, what that really means is that she'll knock out the first two years of "college" at about ten percent the cost of a four-year college, she'll have room to park her car, she'll be taught by teachers there to teach, not grad. assistants, etc. At the end of a couple of years, she'll get an A.A. THEN, she can transfer to an in-state university.........operative word: "transfer", and therefore, not competing with all of those thousands of young high school grads with 4.0+ GPA's (wholly different admission criteria, etc.; odds of acceptance skyrocket). Now, she goes for another couple of years or so.........and gets her bachelors' degree.........the same darned sheep skin her contemporaries got who went there for four years from the get-go (only...........she will now have two degrees). See the idea here?

By the way, I've had COUNTLESS college professors tell me that this is EXACTLY what they have THEIR kids do. Works like a champ.

Key is to keep her in school; NO breaks. She sounds like the type that, once she's taken a break from school, it'd be hell to pay to get her back in.

When she's picking up the tab, you WILL see a change in her attitude toward school.

Hope this helps.

[mykdsmom]

Well she did work 2 jobs this summer and hated them both. She was a cashier at a grocery store and waited tables at a greasy spoon.

Didn't seem to make a lot of difference although she was real happy to go to school and be able to quit.

One of the miniscule bits of financial aid she gets now is a work scholarship. She works a few hours a week tutoring middle school age kids.

I'm thinking a nasty factory job for her may do the trick. She would hate to ever do anything to muss her hair.

MKM

[TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig]

bigernoneverything.com?

I'm a one woman kind of guy, let alone everything!

[semaj]

Take her for a nice liesurely drive through the the worst parts of the city (skid row) welfare neighborhoods, soup kitchens, bus station, etc... Point out to her that she really doesn't want to limit her potential and end up a basket/welfare,case

[wayne_shrugged]

First, I have to say that I don't have children of my own, so by most people's standards my opinions would be excluded from consideration by default. However, I do have the credentials of having gone through this phase myself.

While most (all?) of us think there were things that our parents did wrong, I think my parents ultimately did the right thing by us kids. My mother always joked that her parental style was by default "benign neglect" -- I don't know if this was a term she coined or she quoted from someone else.

As funny as it sounds, it did ultimately work. My parents were never totally hands-off but were never ultimately controlling when we reached teenage years. By degrees, they let us ease into adulthood with the knowledge of experience. ("Experience is a good teacher as long as we pay not too high a price.") That is to say, they eased us into the age-old mystery: there are consequences to our actions. As long as they realized that we wouldn't pay too high a price, they let us go, experiment and take the consequences.

I remember my mother telling the story about how she lost a scholarship in college because she didn't keep up her grades in a particular college class. When she went home, shamefaced, her father (who could absolutely have afforded to "chip in") simply said something to the effect, "Well, it looks like you'll have to get another job to make up the difference," i.e., it was your fault for losing the scholarship, now don't expect me to pay for your mistake.

[hangin' chad]

I believe the "tough love" option here might be the easiest decision to make, but wrong in the long run. Once a kid gets out of the college routine it is difficult to get back into it. My first semester at University of Georgia was a disaster...put on academic probation, etc. The freedom was overwhelming and I didn't believe that actions had consequences. I got my act together, graduated and went on to law school. Just my two cents worth. At any rate, your daughter is fortunate to have two parents who care enough to try to make the right decision for her future.

[Texaggie79]

The key is YEAR ROUND JOB. Where does she get her living money beyond tuition? Make that her responsibility. You may want to make that school a junior col. for 2 years.

[Joe 6-pack]

"A nice dose of reality should quickly clue here in on the value of a good education..."

..And on the value of everything you've done for her to date...things she is apparently oblivious of, or taking for granted.

[OldFriend]

You are on the right track....further you can suggest she take the class she is failing at the local community college. If she shows she is willing to work, pay rent and contribute to the household perhaps she can go back to college next year. For now, stick to your guns.......

[El Gato]

You don't say where you are. Some states have very good smaller state run 4 year schools. Some are not much bigger than a medium sized private shool, and with undergrad Big is usually Bad. They can often be a better choice than community college, although they may not have the advantage of being close enough that she could live at home, which would both save money and allow you to montior her. However at some point you have to realize that you can't control her every waking minute, and she may spend some of those minutes in activities you might not like.

Maybe she just didn't like history, I didn't in college, or had a very bad instructor (for her) Even at the very good private college that my daughters attend(ed) not all of the instructors are good, one or two are pretty bad. Is there anyway she could repeat the course say during a short January or even summer session? Maybe even as an additional load course at a nearby community college, at her expense of course, while continuing with a full or nearly full load at her current school. A's and B's in most of her freshman courses doesn't sound so very bad.

[shetlan]

Her father and I are divorced,

Reinstate former vows (if possible in any way.)

[thinktwice]

Put her into a job and a junior college for her own sake.

She needs a growing up lesson NOW before she joins the millions of losers that drop out completely -- with a hopeless, dip-zip-near-zero GPA -- after multiple failing semesters.

[mykdsmom]

Very good advice and exactly my thinking.

I'd prefer her here in Raleigh here with me where she knows nobody vs. her dad who is never there and where all her friends are.

Unfortunately she prefers podunk MI and isn't too fond of Raleigh. She lives in a town of 2000 that is a farming community. I can't even lure her here with the promise of Abercrombie and Fitch at Crabtree. I'm kidding, she doesn't get that stuff from me.

She did attend 8th and 9th grade here when she lived with us and did not adjust well to big city living. She's used to small town life. Which frankly I feel has been better because of the choice of friends and influence.

MKM

[HoustonCurmudgeon]

Dear Mom,

I spent three years screwing around at the University of Texas, then three years in the Army. When I got out I took 132hrs in 3 1/2years after 5pm and worked 60 hours a week. Graduated with honors from the University of Houston, and wish my parents had jerked my rear out of school the first time I failed a semester, it would have saved me two or three years.

Stick with your decision. If she wants to go back she will, if not at least you will save her some wasted time.

Best of luck.

[VA Advogado]

Sounds like you're more concerned about the money than her education or giving her room to grow. One semester, particularly the first, isnt enough time to judge. I think one of the parents has to let up a little bit on the brake (control) and its not the dad. Just my opinion.