Posted on 11/30/2001 8:36:06 PM PST by mykdsmom
I don't think I've posted a vanity in about a year since the one about my MIL being a Clinton buttkisser, which she still is but she has learned to not talk to me about it.
Now I have a different problem. My daughter will be 19 in Jan and is currently at a small Free Methodist college in MI, at least she is until 2 weeks from today when she finishes her first semester.
She's failing her World History class. Her other classes are all A's and B's, but they are easy classes. Her father and I are divorced, he lives in MI where she has also lived for the past 4 years. We felt she wasn't ready for college d/t basically a HUGE lack of maturity. She acts more like a 15 year old IMO. She's never been an outstanding student not because she's not bright but because basically she could care less.
She's very outgoing and social, lots of friends and always wanting to be out having a good time. We felt she would have difficulty handling the "freedom" of school with nobody checking up on her making sure she did homework etc.
Since she desperately wanted to attend this extremely expensive small private college we decided to let her attend on a probationary period. Our agreement was that she maintain a C in all her classes. Her father and I are both college grads and since we know what it entails we didn't think this was too much to ask.
She's been keeping her grades from us but she knew she was in trouble in this particular class a LONG time ago. Uh.....39 on the first exam. Rather than get the help that was available she chose to do nothing.
Now she's failed 3 exams and failed to turn in a book review. I told her tonight that she was done in 2 weeks, her dad would be coming to get her and she would not be going back to a $16,000 a year school. We don't have money to throw away like that.
Her options are getting a job and living at his house, she would be responsible for rent etc. Of course we prefer her to get an education so we've offered community college for now.
She is hysterical and won't speak to me. Her father is a wuss and wouldn't lay it on the line with her even though he and I are on the same page here so I had to do it.
I guess I just need some Freeper wisdom here. Do you think we did the right thing? She's a good kid, never been in trouble, deeply religious but just wants to have fun and can't see past tomorrow.
I know we can't make her want an education, it's something that she has to want for herself. My husband thinks a healthy dose of reality might shock her into shape. Move back to her dad's for now and get a full time job and charge her rent etc, make her pay for all her own food and expenses so she can see just how far a minimum wage job won't go.
I'm hoping that if some of you have experienced something similar you can give me some ideas here.
MKM
I'm glad my dad didn't cut me off! I never did get very good grades, but I completed my degree and have a very good job today. (I graduated in 1996)
The first year in college is often the worst. It is tough adjusting to so much freedom and keeping up with class.
I'm sure the advice of these others is the right answer, but I suppose I see it more from your daughter's point of view. A little more time to be young before faceing the cold harsh realities of the world? Hehe. :)
Community colleges are good... not too expensive, and it'll give her a chance to still get an education. And having to get a lousy menial job may be one of the best things you ever do to her.
My parents encouraged me to get an education, but my father in particular made it a point that whatever I wanted in life I would have to pay for it on my own. He survived seven years in WWII and to him the most important virtue in life is that you learn to survive on your own because when the shit hits the fan you have only yourself to trust and depend on.
You're doing the right thing. Yank her young a** out of that school ASAP. Her problem is that she's not paying for it. That's one of my Two Rules Concerning College: A) You WILL go to college, and B) You WILL pay for it.
She blew the shot y'all gave her. Now..........YOU have her come back home near you (forget dad; like you said, sounds like a wuss; NOT what she needs right now). Have her go to a community college for two years.........and make her pay for it. Now, what that really means is that she'll knock out the first two years of "college" at about ten percent the cost of a four-year college, she'll have room to park her car, she'll be taught by teachers there to teach, not grad. assistants, etc. At the end of a couple of years, she'll get an A.A. THEN, she can transfer to an in-state university.........operative word: "transfer", and therefore, not competing with all of those thousands of young high school grads with 4.0+ GPA's (wholly different admission criteria, etc.; odds of acceptance skyrocket). Now, she goes for another couple of years or so.........and gets her bachelors' degree.........the same darned sheep skin her contemporaries got who went there for four years from the get-go (only...........she will now have two degrees). See the idea here?
By the way, I've had COUNTLESS college professors tell me that this is EXACTLY what they have THEIR kids do. Works like a champ.
Key is to keep her in school; NO breaks. She sounds like the type that, once she's taken a break from school, it'd be hell to pay to get her back in.
When she's picking up the tab, you WILL see a change in her attitude toward school.
Hope this helps.
Didn't seem to make a lot of difference although she was real happy to go to school and be able to quit.
One of the miniscule bits of financial aid she gets now is a work scholarship. She works a few hours a week tutoring middle school age kids.
I'm thinking a nasty factory job for her may do the trick. She would hate to ever do anything to muss her hair.
MKM
I'm a one woman kind of guy, let alone everything!
While most (all?) of us think there were things that our parents did wrong, I think my parents ultimately did the right thing by us kids. My mother always joked that her parental style was by default "benign neglect" -- I don't know if this was a term she coined or she quoted from someone else.
As funny as it sounds, it did ultimately work. My parents were never totally hands-off but were never ultimately controlling when we reached teenage years. By degrees, they let us ease into adulthood with the knowledge of experience. ("Experience is a good teacher as long as we pay not too high a price.") That is to say, they eased us into the age-old mystery: there are consequences to our actions. As long as they realized that we wouldn't pay too high a price, they let us go, experiment and take the consequences.
I remember my mother telling the story about how she lost a scholarship in college because she didn't keep up her grades in a particular college class. When she went home, shamefaced, her father (who could absolutely have afforded to "chip in") simply said something to the effect, "Well, it looks like you'll have to get another job to make up the difference," i.e., it was your fault for losing the scholarship, now don't expect me to pay for your mistake.
..And on the value of everything you've done for her to date...things she is apparently oblivious of, or taking for granted.
Maybe she just didn't like history, I didn't in college, or had a very bad instructor (for her) Even at the very good private college that my daughters attend(ed) not all of the instructors are good, one or two are pretty bad. Is there anyway she could repeat the course say during a short January or even summer session? Maybe even as an additional load course at a nearby community college, at her expense of course, while continuing with a full or nearly full load at her current school. A's and B's in most of her freshman courses doesn't sound so very bad.
Reinstate former vows (if possible in any way.)
She needs a growing up lesson NOW before she joins the millions of losers that drop out completely -- with a hopeless, dip-zip-near-zero GPA -- after multiple failing semesters.
I'd prefer her here in Raleigh here with me where she knows nobody vs. her dad who is never there and where all her friends are.
Unfortunately she prefers podunk MI and isn't too fond of Raleigh. She lives in a town of 2000 that is a farming community. I can't even lure her here with the promise of Abercrombie and Fitch at Crabtree. I'm kidding, she doesn't get that stuff from me.
She did attend 8th and 9th grade here when she lived with us and did not adjust well to big city living. She's used to small town life. Which frankly I feel has been better because of the choice of friends and influence.
MKM
I spent three years screwing around at the University of Texas, then three years in the Army. When I got out I took 132hrs in 3 1/2years after 5pm and worked 60 hours a week. Graduated with honors from the University of Houston, and wish my parents had jerked my rear out of school the first time I failed a semester, it would have saved me two or three years.
Stick with your decision. If she wants to go back she will, if not at least you will save her some wasted time.
Best of luck.
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