[stylin19a]

The Wisdom of Homer Simpson

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie: One to lie and one to listen."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, "you're making a scene."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life.
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"

[francisandbeans]

From the Thomas Edision episode (from memory)where Homer converts a shotgun into a make up applicator:

Homer: Presenting the make up gun! For the busy working woman who has only 3/5ths of a second to get ready.

*****BLAM****** (Marge's face gets covered in makeup)

Marge: Homer you have it set on 'whore'.

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.

Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like. Now Marge, try to close your nostrils.

*******BLAM****** (Marge pushes the gun aside and makeup gets all over the wall.

Homer: Awww.....Now I've gotta get my cold cream gun.