From: Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense
To: John Ashcroft, Attorney General
Re: Concerns over the capture of that [expletive deleted]
Ref: Yr memo of 04/02/02
WRT the points raised in your memo, the following clarifications are offered.
1. WRT suspect's claims that he was not allowed to surrender peacefully: suspect was whacked out on bad hash and even worse smack, firing an AK-47 in random directions, and shouting, "You wanna play games? You [expletive deleted] wanna play games? Well, say hello to my little friend here!" Given the circumstances, the Special Forces soldiers acted with an entirely commendable degree of restraint.
2. WRT to suspect's claims over verbiage from Special Forces troops: the Special Forces commander vigorously contests the claim that his team said "April Fool, mother[expletive deleted]," as his troops were smart enough to know that it was still March.
3. WRT report that suspect tested positive for Versed: Johnny, me lad, the DoJ has to pony up for a better grade of gas chromatospectrographic doohickey-thingie. The ones you use are war surplus, and CRIMEAN war surplus at that! Obviously the spectra spectre widget was confused by the intoxicants the [expletive deleted] had consumed prior to his apprehension.
We fully realize the importance of ensuring that the [expletive deleted]'s rights are protected. However, if all else fails, we can always drop the [expletive deleted] off in downtown Peshawar, in front of a known Al-Qaeda front organization's office, stuff $10,000 in his pocket, and thank him for all his help. It might save your prosecutors some wear and tear. Just an idea.
r/s
Donald Rumsfeld
PS You up for golf? I have a tee time for 1400 Thursday (that's 2 PM for the Justice Department, and when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 2 if you're a Democrat :o) at Greenbriar. It'd do us both some good to get out of the office and wear some stupid-looking shirts, slacks, and shoes.
r/s,
Rummy
From: John Ashcroft, Attorney General
To: Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense
Re: Memo of 4/2/02
1. Restraint of the Special Forces soldiers is commendable in the circumstances mentioned. The investigation will be back-burnered - besides, several kids in a couple of the top Civil Rights Division investigators' neighborhoods have had their cats stuck in trees of late, and the investigators are trying to help coax the cats down. This case can wait.
2. I'll give the verbiage a pass this time. I will have Miranda cards printed out in Urdu, Pashtun, and Arabic and sent to the front anyhow. No need to risk having key evidence tossed out.
3. We checked out our laboratory equipment last month. It's in top shape, and good to go. I'll order a re-check as soon as we finish going through the anonymous package of information on multiple al-Qaida cells we got. Somebody sure found a mother lode of information - almost as if they got one of Osama's top lieutenants drunk and talking. So far it all checks out.
Suggestion to drop him off in front of a front organization with a wad of cash in his pocket and a thank-you note is not a good idea. Ted Olson wants this guy in our custody pretty bad.
I like the idea of a round of golf. Can we make it a week from Wednesday? I have a staff meeting Thursday at 1:30 about that campaign finance reform BS that POTUS signed. He wants us to soft-pedal the case, so we gotta do it in a way that ain't obvious.
r/s
John Ashcroft.
P.S. - Also, we have recently received an inquiry about a former Navy aircraft that were salvaged from the ocean floor. The aircraft in question is an A-6 from Desert Storm pushed off a carrier. The guy claims it is discarded property, and intends to keep the plane. Can a couple of your legal people look over this guy's filing?