USO Canteen FReeper Style....Monday Mail Call ....July 8,2002

FRiends of the USO Canteen Freeper Style and Snow Bunny

[Mr_Magoo]

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private
matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to
say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what
his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the
table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go
powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and
runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did
you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because
your lipstick is hanging out

[tomkow6]

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly
across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the
front door, glance around and duck inside.
"Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch
digger said. "What's our world comin' to
when men of th' cloth are visitin' such
places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister
walked up to the door and quietly slipped
inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman
exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young
people today are so confused, what with
the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as
a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore
house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said,
leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor
lasses must be ill."

[Mr_Magoo]

Don't know if we should worry about this or not?

Subject: Is our heath care system in trouble? The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered:

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what
to do with them.

[tomkow6]

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we
had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will
have urges and feelings you've never had
before. Your heart will pound & your
hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied
and won't be able to think of anything
else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly
normal... it's called golf."

[Mr_Magoo]

Ladies Prayer

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

[tomkow6]

Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought
a direct Veterans Administration loan for
a client. He was told that the loan would
be approved if he could provide proof of
clear title to the property offered as
collateral. The title for the property in
question was complicated and he spent a
considerable amount of time reviewing all
pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied
with the depth and expanse of his examination,
he submitted the full information to the VA.

He soon received a reply from the VA.

"We received your letter today enclosing
application for a loan for your client,
supported by abstract of title. The
application forms are complete, but you
have not cleared the title before the year
1803. Therefore, before full review and
possible approval can a be accorded the
application, it will be necessary that the
title be cleared back before that year."

Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.

"Your letter regarding titles in case
#9378329 received. I note that you wish
titles extended further back than I have
presented. Your attention is invited to
the following information to update your
records for the property prior to 1803.

a) I was unaware that any educated person
would not know that the United States
gained clear title to Louisiana from France
in 1803. This title transfer was a result
of a real estate transaction known as The
Louisiana Purchase.

b) France gained clear title to Louisiana
by right of conquest from Spain under the
Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).

c) The land came into the possession of
Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a
sailor named Christopher Columbus. He
was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen
of Spain, and had her permission to claim
newly discovered lands for Spain.

d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles -almost as careful as
the V.A. - took the precaution of securing
the blessing of the Pope before authorizing
the voyage.

e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created
the world.

f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to
presume that God created title that part of
the world called Louisiana and thus was the
original holder of the property in question.

[Mr_Magoo]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and
stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and she pulled jim out.
When the medical director became aware of
Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being
discharged because you were to jump in and save the life of another
patient, and I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is, Jim,
the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the
bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead.
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry

[tomkow6]

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a
bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to
take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny,
I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense
in putting lead in your pencil if you
have no one worth writing to."

[Mr_Magoo]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[tomkow6]

I saw a new story talking about how the Navy recently
forgotten to renew one of their domains: NavyDallas.com.
A porn site picked up the domain, ummm, lickety-split.

The porn site offered a link to how-to-find-porn.com which
was a graphic hard core porn site in Berlin.

In other words, even though the Navy lost the domain, you
could still find plenty of pictures of, err, Semen there . . .

[Mr_Magoo]

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded.

The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied:

"When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[tomkow6]

New drugs for women:

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'til
they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is
highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines,
and reducing money spent on make-up.

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with
Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so
severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie
Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

[Mr_Magoo]

Little Fly

There was once a happy little fly buzzing around a barn. One day, she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate, and ate, and then, she ate some more!!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around, wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne, she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor, quite the dead little fly.

So, what is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s**t".

[SAMWolf]

And Now We're Five!

[tomkow6]

Ad seen in the January issue of Microtimes (kind of like a Northern
California version of Computer Shopper) for Total Peripherals, Inc.:

"The New Pentium Pro. The only thing faster was probably
your first time."

[lodwick]

LOL - I'm trying to encourage more entrants.

If you weigh less than a yearling brahama, show us you stuff.

[Mr_Magoo]

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their
enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his
question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still
unsatisfied, he
lectured
for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now
on
Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person
can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady strutted down the aisle, very slowly
turned
around and said, "It's easy, I just outlived the sons of bitches."

[tomkow6]

Thank you VERY much! I will cherish my diploma forever!

(How did you squeese that in, between Mr_Magoo & me?)

[SAMWolf]

That and the Super-Secret Universal Bad Boy Handshake.

[tomkow6]

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. A
few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the
guy if he knew what he wanted. The guy says 'I'd like a
quickie'. The waitress flushes and says 'That's not funny. Now, what
would you like to order.' The guys says, 'I'd really like a
quickie'. The waitress angrily storms off
after this.

Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over
and says to the guy, 'I think that it's pronounced quiche...'