Posted on 08/14/2002 6:45:17 PM PDT by BuddhaBoy
Men are now waiting on average until the age of 27 to marry, compared to 25 for women, but that doesn't mean they are against marriage as an institution, according to the co-directors of the project, David Popenoe, a behavioral scientist and professor of sociology at Rutgers, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a marriage expert. Men, they conclude, just aren't in any hurry.
"The good news is that men who marry later may be more financially stable and emotionally mature," says Popenoe. The bad news is they may be so set in their ways that they are lousy at making the compromises that help a marriage get over the rough spots.
The researchers conducted eight meetings with 60 "not-yet-married" men in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Houston. The men were ages 25 to 33, and none of them were gay.
The researchers note that most people think it's men, not women, who are "dragging their feet about marriage," and they state "our investigation of male attitudes indicates that there is evidence to support this popular view." The primary reason given by men for taking their sweet time:
They can get sex without marriage more easily now than in the past.
And they aren't all that interested in having children anytime soon, which is of concern to the researchers because the biological clock is clicking on the women they will someday expect to mother their kids.
Many of the conclusions won't come as much of a surprise to anyone who has observed the current state of mating rituals. When men pick up a girl in a bar, for example, they aren't looking for a long-term partner. A one night stand is more likely on their minds.
The participants also indicated that they want a woman who is able to take care of herself, which is somewhat of a reversal from the macho old world attitudes of just a generation or two ago. But here's a conclusion that is right out of the age of romantic novels:
"Most of the men in these groups want to marry at some future time in their lives," the researchers conclude.
"They expect their marriages to last a lifetime. Like the majority of young adults today, they are seeking a `soul mate."'
But all that can wait. There doesn't seem to be anyone pushing them toward the altar anyway.
"Today's young men encounter few, if any, traditional pressures from religion, employers or society to marry," the researchers state, although they do get a bit of ribbing from parents who want grandchildren and colleagues who have already made that trip to the altar.
One area that concerns many men, according to the research, is the fear of failure. They see friends who are too willing to give up at the first sign of disharmony, and there's no question that marriage is not an easy institution to maintain.
The researchers believe marriage has a much better chance of surviving if both partners expect it to last a lifetime. Attitude at the opening gun seems to be very important.
But here's a line from the report that is worth pondering:
"Men see marriage as a final step in a prolonged process of growing up."
Not surprisingly, some of the guys who participated in the project are still living with their parents.
For the record, here are the 10 top reasons why men are "slow to commit:"
1. They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.
2. They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.
3. They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
4. They want to wait until they are older to have children.
5. They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.
6. They are waiting for the perfect soul mate, and she hasn't yet appeared.
7. They face few social pressures to marry.
8. They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.
9. They want to own a house before they get a wife.
10. They want to enjoy single life as long as they can.
In case anyone is wondering, I am not a troll, I date plenty. I own two homes(investments), and I am 35, 6-3, and I am a Management Consultant for a very large company. All of the men that I work with, feel exactly the same, that marriage is not worth the risk, no matter how nice the woman might be.
Frankly, I am convinced that there is nothing to be gained for men in a married relationship. I dont see why I should agree to a contract risking 50% of my future earnings, when I dont want any children because I enjoy traveling and meeting new people.
I wonder how many people feel the same?
Even for those who disagree, I wonder how many can do so without the usual name-calling associated with what some people feel is a selfish stance?
I realize that most Conservatives are Christians, and for them Marriage is a holy thing. However, I am a Buddhist so save it, Okay? I just wonder how many Conservatives agree that marriage is becoming a rare thing.
That said, I see nothing wrong with you not wanting to marry. It's your life.
There is nothing selfish about not wanting children. There are plenty of people out there who have no business having children but they do it anyways because of stupidity, to save a relationship or because they think this is what they are supposed to do. This is selfishness at its finest.
I'd like to just remind you of something my dad says, "Having money is a poor way to be rich." Think about it.
The ladies that you're dating are surely hoping that you'll make a long-term commitment.
The biological clock in men is much slower. Also, men have the option of marrying much younger women. Sounds like the chickens of the "Sexual Revolution" are coming home to roost.
For many, there's something incredibly beautiful and wonderful about sharing your life, creating and raising children, with a beautiful (in heart, body and soul) and wonderful woman. Of course, you're entitled to live your life as you see fit. But you're missing out on a lot!
Seriously though, I enjoy spending money on women, but I would rather not have to do it, because some Judge orders it, just because I might have in the past said nice things to her, and let her live in my house.
I am one of those guys who think that men who spend a month's salary on an engagement ring need counseling.
This is absurd. Any successful 35-45 year old man can have all the 25 year old women on the planet that he wants.
The "researchers" are concerned because the men aren't doing their job-TS.
Getting married at an older age is not the same as never getting married at all. I think something like 95% of Americans eventually get married.
I have no problem with people who don't want to get married; hey, it's your life. Just don't make any babies.
No problem, there are lots of high fertility immigrants whose offspring will fill what would have been your offsprings' places. Most likely that kid's name is Mohammed.
If that's how you view marriage, you are better off single.
Yes, but its not just ME.
Were the court system in Americe more equitable towards men, I might feel differently.
I think the ladies I date are hoping only that they survive, and that I order dessert.
There will come a day when you will wish you has a wife and children.
I think one reason gay men are wealthier than straight men is because they dont blow money on woman!
Worth pondering..........
Worth pondering..........
And it is getting easier and easier to search the whole planet for the most desirable mate.
Eightfold Path, right? Why are you worried about your money, then? It's just a fetter.
I just wonder how many Conservatives agree that marriage is becoming a rare thing
You're not alone. I see it too. It'll be our doom as surely as Italy's--watch them. That's our future.
I am convinced that there is nothing to be gained for men in a married relationship
You ever read Rousseau? Pick up Emile and read Book V.
marriage is not worth the risk, no matter how nice the woman might be
Bah! Is this the language of a real lover--not just a skilled one, but a real one? Eros doesn't count the cost, and to be cut off from the blissful illusion of eros is a hearty blow to a man's soul.
Don't marry. You haven't the heart for it--but who knows, miracles can happen.
She was alone, and had no folks to care for her.
Enjoy your freedom - nothin left to loose, right?
Meanwhile, I will enjoy my wife of 15 years, and my three kids.
Says who?
True, but usually not necessary.
It must be brutally tough for the 22-26 year old guys in America today, but the girls go for the more secure bet all the time.
You're right. You shouldn't get married, since you have no idea what marriage is.
But some of us (like me) think you are opting for an empty (but maybe lucrative) life.
As well as this I have met quite a few VERY nice PT, dental, medical, and nursing students. None of them I think I'd want to marry (personality conflicts mostly), but all of them nice, attractive, and just down for a good time (and that doesn't always mean partying and sex). I'm enjoying being single and I think more people should give it a shot, if they're in a position to of course.
Friend of mine in Germany lost her husband a couple of years ago - she was telling me about how her friends would no longer associate with her. She was a "threat" - might take their husbands.
How silly.
But none of us wants to be alone.
Humans are pack animals. Anybody who has not recognized this is...well, not quite aware.
Funny you should say that about a man who wishes not to get married. For that also seems to be the standard phrase of women in divorce court!
Marriage can be a wonderful thing if it works out however. I've been very fortunate in my marriage. And as a bonus, my wife has a career of her own so we have managed to double our income together while having the expenses of one. We are definitely better off financially married than we would be single. Just thought I'd mention that to offset the notion that men living single are better off financially. That is not always so. But I have no doubt that if I ever ended up in divorce court, I'd be taken to the cleaners even though my wife makes more than me. The court system is rigged in favor of women and that's just the way it is.
But you said you enjoy spending money on women. What do you care how someone else spends his money? Se la vis, right? By the way, I spent closer to two months salary, the salary being that of a senior level profesional. It was all part of the mating ritual and, after fourteen years, I get as much enjoyment seeing that rock on my wife's hand as she gets from wearing it.
Having said all that... some of your reasons for not wanting to get married are quite sane (legal risk, social preferences, etc.) others are naive (anything to do with sex). I strongly suspect the methods and questions used in the subject survey were too biased to be worth more than a good discussion. Some of the flaws have already been pointed out, like the unreasoned "biological clock" comment. My strongest objection to the "survey" is the fabricated idea that anybody gets married for sex. It's as far from the reality of human nature and marriage as it can get. Equating a marriage license with a license to have sex just feeds the feminist propaganda that marriage is a form of legalized prostitution. I would love to get a peek at that questionaire to see how they got guys to admit to a false premise, It's quite telling that there is no quantifiable data presented in this so-called "study."
My wife was the 2nd woman I'd ever had sex with. Since then, I've had long periods with no sex, and several periods where I got all I wanted with almost no effort. It has been empty, though, because there was no permanent committment, no true love to enhance and expand the act into what I know it can be. My life is peaceful, if somewhat lonely and boring at times, but stress is not even on the radar in my life. Still, I want a companion, a lover, a wife to share my life with. I didn't feel that way for a long time. I felt as you, that there was no compelling reason to ever do that again.
Would I marry again? Yes, to the right woman. I know what I'm looking for, I know what I want, and I'll know when I've found her. I may already have, but the logistics are not in my favor right now. If it isn't her, then another will come along. I'm not so naive as to think there's only one woman in the whole world that is right for me...there are thousands I could be happy with. All I have to do is find one.
I'm not ugly or fat, I have a good job, my finances are getting better all the time, I am healthy, look younger than my 50 years, and still have the energy of a man half my age. I love children (I have 4 grandchildren now), and I have the benefit of some wisdom while still being able to have fun. I can understand and relate to a lot of what was said in the article, but ultimately I know that man was not meant to be alone. I will find the right woman, and when I do, I will gladly marry her, because for both of us it will be for life. I won't settle for anything less than that.
Not in our culture. No way.
On the other hand, read "the jilting of granny weatheral" - we all die alone.
Always worth waiting for, no matter how long it takes.
Trust me :-)
Says who?
LOL!
Final step my eye! Three and a half weeks into marriage and my new bride is saying I'm more childlike than ever. Marriage really is a fountain of youth (well, spiritually anyway :-)
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