AFFLECK!
Posted on 09/05/2002 10:37:47 PM PDT by Paul Atreides
Bald Ben Affleck's toupee secret has been shockingly revealed when his hairpiece flew off at a party, according to press reports. The Pearl Harbor hunk, who is dating Latina babe Jennifer Lopez, had his secret revealed at a party when he and fellow actor Vince Vaughn started play-fighting and his carefully concealed hairpiece flew up in the air, British newspaper the Daily Star claims. A source says, "Ben was embarrassed. But he was with friends and begged them to keep his secret. He's very private when it comes to his hair loss. He hasn't even broken the news to girlfriend Jennifer Lopez yet. But his baldness has been the talk of Hollywood ever since he flipped his wig." A friend adds, "Ben's very vain. He's had close to $50,000 worth of dental caps to improve his smile."
Good Will Hunting duo Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have made their first forays into politics together - supporting an old friend running for government. The life-long friends are pledging their support to a high school pal running for state representative in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Damon has lent his voice to a series of phone messages for Marjorie Decker, while Affleck features in her campaign literature. In the literature Affleck discusses the little league baseball team he and Decker were in. He says, "Until now, I never admitted she was a better hitter than I was."
Afflake is a big Dim supporter who told everyone it was their duty to get out and vote, only to skip out on it himself.
AFFLECK!
Well, you succeeded. Be prepared to appear on Judge Judy, to reimburse me for my medical bills and pain and suffering.
$50,000 to someone like Affleck is like a day at the spa for you and me.
Now, if we could just find a picture of the AFLAC duck in the barbershop, posting in front of the haircut poster, that would make a great "AFFLECK" joke.
Dear Readers:A source of mine who lives in a far away country -- so deprived of life's necessities that she doesn't even get "Access Hollywood" or the National Enquirer -- e-mailed me to find out if it was really true that Ben Affleck and J. Lo are an item. I e-mailed back a link to a photo of the two looking quite couple-like.
My source was flabbergasted. Not that Ben's often questionable and seemingly insatiable appetite in babes is being quenched by the most bodacious of them all. No, my source's concern was purely follicular. "BEN IS WEARING A RUG!!!!!" she e-mailed me.
Whoa! I thought. That's a pretty heavy-duty accusation. I mean, I've seen Ben in person a couple of times, and he's always struck me as a pretty hirsute kinda guy. Not, of course, that there's anything wrong with being bald. I mean, some of my best friends have receding hairlines. But, let's face it, in this hair-oriented society, being exposed as a baldy has a potentially ruinous effect on a male sex symbol.
Or at least some stars act like it does. I should know. I am regularly bombarded with dark rumors of thinning hair: The lengths to which Kevin Costner is rumored to go to hide his head. The time Mel Gibson needed his head powdered to prevent his bald spot from shining during a press junket. And the John Travolta stories are just too awful to discuss.
Personally, I think this is pure bigotry. Sleek-headed men can be devastatingly handsome and virile, and I applaud the brave bald celebs who have come clean about their bare heads. They are important role models for closeted hair-losing men everywhere. But for every Ed Harris and Patrick Stewart out there, there are dozens of Burt Reynoldses and Ted Dansons. Even after he was off the air, "Hawaii 5-O's" Jack Lord insisted that the scary and immobile black object atop his head was his hair. And then there are those shocking examples where a studio forces a proud baldy like Sean Connery to cover up with a rug for film roles. (A discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen, if you ask me.) This is clearly a super-sensitive area among Hollywood hunks and hotties.
"I'm sorry," I e-mailed my source. "I'm just not prepared to print such an explosive allegation without further evidence."
My source went on a tear. Her sweetie is a man without much hair and she finds it sexy, and she wants to unveil the closet cases to help remove the stigma. She spent much of the day e-mailing me links of photos showing Ben Affleck's curiously inconsistent hairline. She didn't stop there, though. She located a source of astonishing information regarding rug wearers: a discussion board for men who use various means of hair replacement.
Dear Readers, those of you who think that women have a monopoly on insecurity about their looks should spend a little time in one of these tragic sites. The discussion of plugs, rugs and drugs to add a few strands is simply mind-boggling. And a major topic of fascination among them is celebs. In addition to discourse on the great rug-wearers of yesteryear (Humphrey Bogart, Charlton Heston, Frank Sinatra, to name but a few) they also discussed the moderns: who does, who doesn't, if he wears a "unit," a "piece" a "system" and which film he started in. They even discussed what brand of hair replacement various celebs use. Here are a few samples:
"Al Pacino has had a few grafts but nothing else ... He just shaved his hair for a movie and dyed it blonde ... looks quite hip. Everyone thinks David Spade has a system...once again a few grafts is what I heard ... same with Dennis Miller. The big one is Brendan Fraser ... everyone thinks he has a Farrell (I dont know if he does ... Richard [a top rug weaver] will never say which stars wear his systems ... He is in Hollywood and there definitely are some that do) ... well I do know that Brendan still has most of his own hair although it's thinning ... so for the mummy movies he had extensions added to his own ... most stars do that for different parts when in need of thick or longer hair. I have seen him in a few interviews and his hair is noticeably thinner.
"I have seen Travolta in very bright lighting, and it sure looks like he is wearing a traditional type of piece, but it is well done. William Shatner, also has the best piece of his life. If you never saw him before, it would be undetectable."
I've got to hand it to my source, there was much, much discussion of Ben Affleck's hair:
"I was on the treadmill at the gym on Friday, Ben Affleck was on Regis. He is positively a hair wearer. The system was red when the lights hit his hair and the hairline was not natural. When the camera showed the back of his head, it was clumped together. . . I guess he did not check the back. I hope this makes all my bald brothers feel better, we can still get women.
"Ben Affleck's hair is made by Coolpiece. My friend . says that he has a lot of hair loss in the front portion of his head. Ben told my friend he loves COOLPIECE."
"Your so full of sh&%, Ben has no hair work you stupid dummy, I'm with SAG and have been an extra in 2 of his films, & I am also good friends with Kevin Smith [a filmmaker and actor who has worked with Affleck in films such as "Chasing Amy"] who is laughing his ass off at your coolpiece bulls---t, OK, "Ben Say's He loves Coolpiece" Shut your mouth......."
Yikes. Perhaps, Dear Readers, I am treading in a quagmire. Isn't what men put on their heads in the privacy of their bathrooms their own business? On the other hand -- I am a gossip columnist! I report on stars' weight and hair color, their plastic surgery and collagen injections. Tom Cruise's braces made international news. It is my duty to get behind the phony façade! Thus, I bravely called Ben Affleck's spokesman and asked him the answer to this raging debate. Actually, I was too embarrassed to make such an inane call, so I made my producer, Ashley, my do it. I bravely watched.
"Well?" I said when Ashley finished the call. "What did he say?"
"He started laughing," she said. "He laughed for like two minutes and he said things like, 'That's really funny.'"
"Well did he deny it? Did he give you a comment."
"He said, 'That's really funny. That's my comment.' "
See, Dear Readers, some subjects are just too hot to handle. Thus, I will leave you with one of the links sent to me by Source:
You decide. Because, as you've proved in your e-mails to me, you are much more clever than I. For I am merely,
Your Faithful Scooper,
Jeannette Walls
I am telling you, we have GOT to get rid of Edwards's hair!
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