Replies

Do Clinton jokes count?

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked Reverend Falwell if he would also like a drink. The minister replied, "Ma'am, I'd rather be Raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips." Hearing this, the President handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice."

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a
hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he
rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of
18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.

We got Clinton & rednecks, the only other unprotected one is the Pope:

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see whom she is having sex." "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

"Big tits" replied the Pope.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cueball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and one Italian woman.
2 French men and one French woman.
2 German men and one German woman.
2 Greek men and one Greek woman.
2 English men and one English woman.
2 Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
2 Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
2 Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
2 Irish men and one Irish woman.
2 American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and began swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Irishmen divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman won't shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddam cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this God forsaken desert island in the middle of nowhere so she could get her nails done and go shopping.

I have read EVERY post in this thread and I am devastated! Not one Dutch joke amongst the lot! As an American whose name originates in Holland, I don't want a generic "how many dutchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb" thing, either! I want tulips, windmills, cheese, stubborness, wooden shoes, or SOMETHING specifically DUTCH!

Of course, there was the little dutch boy who ran into the lesbian bar and stuck his finger in a dyke.

Seriously, though, I need something I can tell in mixed company.....