Joe 6-pack's Questions for Liberals
and
Joe 6-Pack's Homeland Defense Act
Allow me to introduce, "Joe 6-Pack's Brief History of Islam."
Over the last 14 centuries, many singular and significant events have forged the face of modern islam. Take for instance the time the paid-for-profit mohammed (known to his co-conspirators as, "Ole mo") was confronted while molesting his first child. The child's father observed mohammed (piss be upon him), kneeling on top of his child. The father asked, "What the #$%& do you think you're doing?" Surprised at the father's sudden arrival, the pervert mohammed looked up suddenly, the child's undergarments clinging to his hair. (To this day, followers of mohammed wear diapers on their heads!) Having disturbed the profit's prayerful and blessed acts, the father was executed and the die for modern islam was cast. While the founding of the religion of piece and the half moon were important, they pale in comparison to subsequent events which constitute:
Joe 6-Pack's Brief History of Islam
Believe it or not, all of the following events ARE true!!
1969 - Joe 6-Pack is born.
1971 - Cat Stevens releases, "Teaser and the Firecat," including the hit song, "Peace Train."
1977 - Cat Stevens converts to islam, and adopts the name, "Yusuf Islam."
1987 - The Administration of Ronald Wilson Reagan grants Joe 6-Pack a four-year Army ROTC Scholarship.
1987 - 10,000 Maniacs releases, "In My Tribe," featuring a cover of Stevens' (or is it islam's?), "Peace Train." 1988 - Joe 6-Pack, college student, Army ROTC cadet, purchases a CD-player and a first run edition of, "In My Tribe."
1989 - Ayatollah Khomenei places a price on the head of Indian Author, Salman Rushdie, for telling the truth about islam. 1989 - The death threat against Rushdie becomes the subject of heated debate by pantywaist journalists in the U.S. who can't decide if it's more important to celebrate diversity or protect the freedom of speech. In the wake of such publicity, Stevens/islam, himself having been, substantially, "propheted," by artistic freedoms, endorses the hit on Rushdie. 1989 - 10,000 Maniacs pulls Stevens/islam's "Peace Train," from subsequent editions of, "In My Tribe." Joe 6-Pack is in possession of a collector's item. The following interview article by John Soder appears in SCENE:
1989 - "It was kind of a mistake," admits 10,000 Maniacs bassist Steven Gustafson when asked about the cover of Cat Stevens' Peace Train that appears on his band's breakthrough 1987 album, In My Tribe. "We were strongly urged by the higher-ups within our record label's brain trust to give the song a try for the sake of album sales. We nearly flipped a coin to decide whether or not to do it. As it turned out, the song did help radio programmers realize that we weren't a bunch of lunatics."
Despite their misleading moniker, the Maniacs' sanity is no longer in question. Cat Stevens is another story. Late last year, Stevens publicly supported the late Ayatollah Khomeini's call for the head of Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie.
"Stevens is certainly entitled to be a fanatic if he wants to be," says Gustafson. "But now I think he must've been kidding when he wrote that song."
1992 - Joe 6-Pack receives his Army Commission and is stationed at Ft. Riley, KS.
August 8, 1993 - Near the Medina marketplace, in Mogadishu, Somalia, at just before 9:00 a.m., a command-detonated mine, containing approximately 50 pounds of explosives, is detonated under a military police patrol. A second trail vehicle, with five MP, assists the mortally wounded driver and secure the scene. Killed in the explosion are the driver and three other MP's:
SPC Mark Gutting, age 25, from Grand Rapids, Michigan
SPC Keith Pearson, age 25, from Tavares, Florida
SGT Christopher Hilgert, age 27, from Danville, Indiana,
all members of the 977th MP Company, Fort Riley, Kansas SSG Ronald Richerson, age 24, from Portage, Indiana, a member of the 300th MP Company, Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri.
SSG Richerson (promoted posthumously) was due to rotate back to the states in a matter of days. The 977th from Ft. Riley was relieving Richerson's unit, and Richerson was introducing the Ft. Riley soldiers to the AO when they were welcomed to the country by practitioners of the religion of pieces.
1995 - Joe 6-Pack is reassigned from Ft. Riley, KS to Ft. McClellan, AL. On the day of his scheduled pack out, two mid-east bastards arrive at residence of Joe 6-Pack and proceed to pack his baggage and household goods in compliance with their Army Transportation contract. Joe 6-Pack offers the movers, "a beer or anything else." The movers reply that they dare not consume alcohol...they are moslems. Packing and loading have been completed and the packers (pakis? pakirs?) remain for quite some time as a conversation regarding islam ensues. The pakirs boast about the rigors of their religious tradition and appear to brag (in retrospect) all too specifically about the fact that thieves, in islamic cultures, are punished by having a hand chopped off.
1995 - Joe 6-Pack arrives at his new duty station, Ft. McClellan, AL, and arranges for delivery of baggage and household goods. Upon receipt of his shipment, Joe 6-Pack conducts an inventory where it is observed that, in an indexed collection of over 150 CDs, two are missing. Both are out of print and irreplaceable. The disks include the original run of, "In My Tribe," (with the Peace Train Cover) and Roger Waters', "Pros and Cons of Hitchiking," (The cover, without the, "black-box,") which, ironically, featured a song titled, "Arabs With Knives.
2001 - Joe 6-Pack, now a civilian in Louisiana, learns the Pentagon has been struck by a commercial jetliner commandeered by, "Arabs with Knives." Joe 6-Pack's brother is assigned to the Pentagon, and Joe 6-Pack endures almost 16 hours of mind-numbing terror while he tries to contact his brother and/or his sister-in-law, and/or any other person who might kindly advise if his brother is alive, injured, dead or missing. Ultimately, good news is received.
2002 - Joe 6-Pack's nephew, 8-year-old, home-schooled son of Joe 6-Pack's brother of Pentagon fame, and resident of Fairfax County, VA trains throughout the spring and summer months for his first junior triathalon...an event planned to foster American values of healthy competition, sportsmanship, recognition of excellence and physical fitness. Said juniot triathalon is cancelled because a 41-year-old NOI freak and his jamaican butt-boy have declared open season on all things American. Fortunately, they are even too damn stupid to outwit Cheif Moose.
In conclusion, it is the opinon of Joe 6-Pack that the History of islam has been entirely too long.