Regards, Ivan
Posted on 11/22/2002 4:19:13 PM PST by MadIvan
Who's the best Bond? What's your top 007 thriller? Here at The Daily Telegraph, we've picked a few of our favourites:
DR NOSE: After the dark Bond of Timothy Dalton, Michael Jackson brought a welcome lighter shade to the role of 007. Jackson's Bond was a man of many parts, most of them made by Q. Aficionados still treasure the scene in which Q demonstrates Bond's "ejector seat": Jackson grabs his crotch and his old bottom immediately flies out of his trousers, to be replaced by one modelled on Diana Ross's. In a first for the Bond series, all Michael's most dangerous stunts are performed by his children. Elizabeth Taylor plays M.
LIVE AND LET BUSH: In his first outing as Bond, Tony Blair hooks up with top American agent Felix W. Leiter to save the world. Felix W. does 98 per cent of the killing, but Tony performs well in a lot of the press conferences. Don't miss the classic scene where he and Bond girl Cherry Galore surprise Blofeld by visiting his lair wearing matching Nehru jackets.
KOHLFINGER: Acknowledged by critics as the all-time great Bond villain, Paul Kohlfinger can still thrill audiences as the insane British butler bent on world domination. His kinky calling card is to leave vulnerable princesses naked on Bond's bed, their eyes heavily ringed with Kohl. Kohlfinger returned in On Her Majesty's Tea Service, in which the deranged megalomaniac is discovered to be hoarding the entire Royal Family's silverware.
YOU BARELY LIVE ONCE: Coming between Sean Connery and Roger Moore, former model Iain Duncan Smith is destined to go down in history as the 007 no one remembers, even though he starred in Unite and Let Die, Die Another Day, Die Yet Another Day and 23 other Bond films. Duncan Smith concentrated on establishing 007 as a dutiful, discreet civil servant whose immediate priorities are streamlining the budget and looking for efficiencies in office supplies (see his first film, Rymans Are Forever). Here, he's dogged by a pair of heavily perfumed sadistic gay contract killers (1950s heavy Ken Clarke and Latin heart-throb Michael Portillo) who keep leaving scorpions in his in-tray.
FOR YOUR THIGHS ONLY: Bill Clinton was a struggling Little Rock lounge act when Cubby Broccoli offered him the role of 007. Widely considered his best performance, this big-budget Bondbuster begins with curvy intern Holly Goodhead alone in the Ministry of Defence lift. Suddenly the doors slide open and there's Bill: "Going down?" he says. Holly replies, "Is that an unusual looking Beretta .25 in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" He stops the lift between floors, apologising to M (Dame Hillary Rodham) for being late yet again. "I'm afraid something came up."
Yet, though critics appreciated the gruesome scene in which a terrified shark is lowered into a tank of ravenous Democratic Party operatives, they weren't ready for Clinton's radical reinvention of Bond as an agent who spends so much time in meaningless sexual encounters he fails to get the bad guy. After blowing up several embassies and a warship, Scarosama, "The Man With The Tiny Gun", eludes Clinton's Bond 20 minutes into the picture, and 007 spends the rest of the movie travelling around the world giving $100,000 speeches insisting: "No one worked harder than I in trying to get Scarosama."
The new DVD release includes the memorable theme song Nobody Does It Better, sung by Bill to himself, and the classic scene where Bill is strapped to a table as a laser beam slices between his legs. "Do you expect me to talk?" he says. "Oh, God, I hope not," says Blowfeld (Yasser Arafat). Clinton was expected to hold the role for years, but in his second film, the introduction of Jaws, the steel-teethed intern, led to his unexpected retirement as 007.
FROM GUSHER WITH LOVE: Gorgeous George Galloway stars as Bond in an electrifying pre-credit sequence skiing down Everest as an undercover yak, hurtling through the Hindu Kush on a turbo-charged Tajik moped, surfing across the Persian Gulf to emerge from the water dripping oil and wearing a white bikini with a bottle of HP Sauce on his hip - still the most iconic image of the entire series.
After scaling the palace walls in Baghdad, Galloway accosts the Arab psychopath Oddsod and offers him a box of Quality Street. "Sir, I salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability," he says. "I would like you to know that I am with you until victory!" "You disappoint me, Mr Bond," says Oddsod. "You expect me to fall for something so pitifully obvious?" He hurls his steel-rimmed trilby at Galloway, but instead hits the anthrax canister.
OCH, THE PUSSY: Postman Pat was an odd choice to play Bond, but critics agree he brought a gritty realism to the role after Roger Moore stepped down. In this high-octane adventure, Pat's famous black-and-white cat is kidnapped by suave Scottish supervillain Sir Hugo Drax (John Leslie), labouring under a misapprehension. There are no Bond girls, but pussy galore.
And coming next: 007 returns in …
ANNE DIAMOND IS FOREVER: When a group of minor celebrities is accidentally dropped off on Blofeld's remote island hideaway, the evil genius suddenly realises he can bring Britain to its knees by decimating its reality television industry . . .
Regards, Ivan
the introduction of Jaws, the steel-teethed intern, led to his unexpected retirement as 007ROTFLMAO!
For a minute there I thought he was talking about Bubba's personal approval ratings.
Yup...that's our boy Bill...in the end he really is a meaningless piece of human waste whose only purpose is as a mirror to the Democratic party which needs some serious reflection as to what the hell they represent besides generational welfare, cowardice in the face of the enemy, and the worship of the environment in lieu of real religious devotion.
Someone alert PETA. I don't care if they did it with mirrors, this is just too cruel.
ROFL
a.cricket
Indeed!
Thanks fer ye ping, Pokey old boy!
Thanks, that was splendid.
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