Posted on 12/16/2002 10:40:30 PM PST by mikeb704
Mrs. Claus could tell something was seriously wrong as she watched Santa walk back in with the day’s mail. "What’s the problem, dear?" she asked as she poured him a stiff cup of hot cocoa.
"Nothing much," he mumbled. She knew better, but it was always better not to probe. They sat in silence for several minutes as he opened and read each piece of correspondence. Finally he was ready to talk.
"I must be getting too old for this job. For decades, all the mail I ever received – except for some Publishers’ Clearinghouse come-ons – were letters from children telling me how good they’d been and what they wanted for Christmas. But look at the stuff I’m getting now!"
He tossed the envelopes on the table with obvious revulsion. Mrs. Claus began looking at them and the reason for her husband’s frustration became obvious.
The first letter was from the Trial Lawyers Association. It wanted Santa to know that all the Christmas candies and other sweets he handed out had a deleterious effect on some of its clients. They lacked sufficient self-control to refuse such treats and consequently are getting fat and unhealthy and it’s all Santa’s fault. He’d better cut it out or the lawyers would be seeing him in court.
The next letter was from the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. Those folks were upset that some children get toy guns for Christmas. Everyone knows that it’s only a short step from playing with a plastic toy to mowing down dozens of innocents with an AK-47 assault rifle.
Another missive came from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), which demanded Santa immediately end his shameless exploitation of animals, namely reindeer. There was also a communication from the AFL-CIO, which demanded Santa immediately end his shameless exploitation of elves.
It’s rumored Santa works his helpers 20 hours a day and doesn’t even pay a living wage. Even worse, on those rare occasions when an elf beefed about working conditions, Santa threatened to bring in scab replacements. Oh the humanity.
An official-looking envelope was from the Federal Aviation Administration. Seems that Santa’s sleigh wasn’t equipped with government-mandated safety devices and a hearing had been scheduled to see if Mr. Claus should be allowed to operate his craft in December.
The National Organization for Women checked in with a complaint that Santa perpetuates sexist stereotyping by giving dolls only to little girls. Little girls should not be trapped into thinking that motherhood is something desirable. Abortion is every bit as good and some options, such as becoming independent, self-assured individuals with their own strong voices and living in alternative households, are even better.
Besides, some little boys (strange little boys no doubt, but little boys nonetheless) also should get dolls as gifts. This will help them develop their own strong voices.
There was a letter signed by Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Santa’s association with dreaming of a white Christmas was racist and culturally insensitive, totally unacceptable, off base and inappropriate, shameful, disrespectful, reprehensible, appalling, unspeakable, horrifying, tactless and unforgivable. He might, just might, be able to make a teeny-weeny step toward rehabilitation by sending the guys each a big sack of cash.
From Hollywood came a letter from the Concerned Celebrities for a Safer Saddam. They griped that giving toy soldiers to children could turn them into baby killers and part of America’s chauvinistic, imperialistic, unilateralist, and xenophobic foreign policy. Noticing one of the signatures on the letter, Santa told Mrs. Claus, "Mary Tyler Moore’s husband once quipped: ‘Unfortunately, Ed Asner has the image of Lou Grant and the brain of Ed Asner.’ Boy, did that guy know what he was talking about."
Mrs. Claus asked Santa what he was going to do. With so much carping from so many critics, maybe it really was time for him to hang up his boots. Her husband thought about his options. It would be very easy to give up his annual trip and all his other obligations. He wasn’t as young as he once was, and the job was getting tougher every year. But. But. "It’s the smiling faces of the children, that’s why I stay in this racket," he told his wife. "I guess I’ll just tough it out for as long as I can."
Mrs. Claus poured him another hot cocoa and Santa reached for his pipe. ‘Be careful where you smoke that, dear," she cautioned. "You know what the effects of second-hand smoke can be." He was going to say something back to her, but then changed his mind. What the hey, he thought. It’s Christmas.
What a great line! I never heard it before.
It came from Grant Tinker.
Woooooo boy, is THAT close to the truth!!!! (Heck, it could be a secret society or something, knowing them)
It's the secret handshake that alays blows their cover.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
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