French Military History

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[Widows Son]

The military history of France:

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

[Widows Son]

A friend of mine sent me this, thought some of the members may find it interesting.

[ClearCase_guy]

It's good. Been posted before.

Also, the French and Indian War should come just after the War of Spanish Succession, and just before the American Revolution. Chronology is my life.

[gov_bean_ counter]

There was a successful grass roots sacking of a mostly empty prison which was protected by a bunch of drunk guards. VIVA LA, oh, forget it.

[Valin]

It needs it's own topic. :-)

[buffyt]

Why were so many trees planted along the streets of Paris?
So the German army could march in the shade.

[Enemy Of The State]

to sum up the French military history one could simply say:

You win some and you lose some. In Frances case, they've lost em all.