Posted on 02/14/2003 5:40:23 PM PST by Congressman Billybob
From the Washington Politics & Policy Desk, Published 2/14/2003 8:05 PM
HIGHLANDS, N.C., Feb. 14 (UPI) -- This here's the 337th Report ta the Folks Back Home from the (More er Less) Honorable Billybob, cyberCongressman from Western Carolina.
I lernt a lot inna one room schoolhouse unner Miss McGillicuddy, what has stood me in good stead. In fack, I could rat this hole Report from that. But as ma Close Personal Assistant, Felicity Fahrquar, once sed, "Yer twaddle makes ma head hurt."
So I'll turn this over ta ma able assistant, J. Armor, Esq.
Using the Old Noodle
Many subjects that have come to the fore in the last week demonstrate the same point. If you use your head and apply logic, the stories are easily understandable. But if you take the press reports at face value and don't think them through, the subject at hand remains incomprehensible. For example:
"Blix in Baghdad."
Reports from Baghdad are that "progress" is being made, in part because the Iraqis have provided private interviews with five scientists. OK, let's think about that. For starters, Iraq was obligated to list all its scientists who might be involved in weapons of mass death. They provided 500 names; but the number of scientists so involved is estimated at between 2,500 and 3,500.
Five scientists interviewed in four months amounts to 1 percent of the acknowledged number, as little as two-tenths of 1 percent of the real total. At that rate, it will be 140 years before the inspectors interview the last of the scientists. (And that ignores the problem that the scientists and their families may have been threatened with death if the scientists reveal what they know, and the fact that the Iraqis have so far hand-picked the few who have been permitted to talk within Iraq).
Both UN inspectors gave additional statements to the UN Security Council Friday. These reports confirmed that the situation has not essentially changed in 11 years. The inspectors are still skating on a sand-paper pond. All efforts in all directions are still met with Iraqi resistence and obfuscation. This is the opposite of the examples of South Africa and several former Soviet Republics. All of those nations provided all documents, all experts, access to all facilities, and fully cooperated with inspectors, to verify the termination of their nuclear programs.
This is a critical time, very similar to the plight of the League of Nations prior to the outbreak of World War II. The League was interested in disarmament, talked about disarmament, but ultimately did nothing. And the result was war, with Germany using the very weapons the League had talked about. The diplomatic timidity of several ambassadors who spoke today following the inspectors' reports, is a parallel to the final inactions of the League of Nations, prior to its collapse.
Meanwhile, on the continent, France and Germany are leading the effort to expand the inspections and perhaps triple the number of UN personnel. Wow! That could reduce the length of this effort to about 40 years.
Miss McGillicuddy taught us the usual bromides, of course. The one about perseverance was this, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." But she also taught us that every rule has its exceptions. Concerning repeating an action, she had us read an essay by Mark Twain entitled, "James Fenimore Cooper's Indians." It came from a scene in The Last of the Mohicans in which Indians were trying to attack a canal barge by jumping on it from overhanging tree limbs.
The first Indian jumped, and fell in the water behind the barge. Seeing that, the other Indians jumped one by one, each one falling farther behind the barge. Now, Miss McGillicuddy was a fine teacher. She didn't tell us the conclusion, she allowed us to reach it on our own. She taught us to use the old noodle.
Being bright young lads and lasses, we got the point. When what you've done before is an obvious failure for an obvious reason, repeating that action again and again is an exercise in futility. It seems to me that Hans Blix and the various leaders of the UN, Germany and France have never read Twain's essay on Cooper's Indians. They think that one obvious failure justifies two or three more of the same.
In a related event, the 101st Airborne in North Carolina just got its orders to deploy to the Middle East. Now these folks will be effective "weapons inspectors." They will go wherever they choose, and find whatever is there. And they will neither negotiate with, nor be delayed by, any Iraqi efforts to the contrary. When they find barrels or vats of various deadly compounds, I hope that resources will be spent to bring the leaders of France and Germany, among others, to the scene. They can take a deep sniff, and then hold a press conference to describe their experience and also the logic of the positions of their governments.
On to "Michael Jackson in Never-Never Land."
Last week the press was replete with references to Michael Jackson's bizarre comments in an interview, broadcast as a special in Britain and the United States, about "sleeping" with young children in a "non-sexual way." This does not prove that Jackson is a pedophile. But it does raise serious questions whether he is a competent, grown-up human being.
Doesn't anyone remember Elvis Presley? Elvis died suddenly, but the route to his death was long and obvious. Successful performers are always surrounded by hangers-on who depend on them for income and other benefits. When the downward slide of the star is obvious to mere members of the public, it must be even more obvious to the hangers-on. Yet they tend to do nothing to stop the slide.
In Elvis' case, the decline was physical; in Michael's case the decline is mental. But in both cases, the ultimate end was or will be disastrous, without immediate intervention.
This ain't rocket science. It's just a matter of using the old noodle.
Next: "The Hudson Valley Moms for 'Peace'"
This weekend, two of three middle-aged mothers from the Hudson Valley, N.Y., who are going to Iraq appeared on TV. They had collected money from their neighbors to make their 10--day trip. Their purpose was to "take photographs of the children and old people who will be killed in the war." They will, of course, only take photographs wherever their Iraqi "minders" permit. They expect the American people to rise up in opposition to the war when the moms publish their heartwarming photographs.
I wish I had been in the studio to ask these women just one question: "Would you have gone to Germany in 1940 to photograph children and the elderly, as guided by Nazi minders, to keep America out of THAT war?" Their answer to that question would have been very informative. If there was a chance for a follow-up question, it would have been, "Do you think the minders would have permitted you to photograph any Jewish children and elderly?"
If the moms turned out to be unaware of the U.S. anti-war effort in 1940, their current efforts could be dismissed as based on historical ignorance. If they would not have gone to Nazi Germany, their efforts could be dismissed as hypocritical. If they would have gone to Nazi Germany, they could be dismissed as disconnected from reality.
It's a matter of using the old noodle.
"Martha Stewart's Imperfections."
Also last week, domestic diva Martha Stewart stated in a lengthy magazine interview that she's lost $400 million in her various enterprises as a result of the flap over her possibly criminal activity in selling ImClone stock based on insider information. What do we have here, children? Let's not always see the same hands. That's exactly right, Tanya, we have the classic defense, "I've suffered enough already."
Well, think it through. Stewart took a private tip and sold in advance about $140,000 in ImClone the day before the bottom dropped out. Was her subsequent $400 million loss therefore punishment for wrong-doing? No. It was the natural consequence of stupidity in the marketplace. Her main assets in the commercial world have always been impeccable taste and universal perfection. In order to save $140,000, she savaged her principal assets.
She is not the first person, and will not be the last, who brings herself (or himself) low, by a single moment of greed and bad judgment. Does her large economic loss mean she should not be prosecuted? Quite the contrary, it means she should be prosecuted. As Miss McGillicuddy used to say, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time." (I'm kidding, of course. That quote is from Robert Blake as Detective Baretta. He's now in jail, charged with murder).
It's just a matter of using the old noodle.
--
A Correction from a Prior Column
In a column Dec. 6, I misdescribed Iraqi chemical weapons. (It is the Americans who have designed bipolar weapons which would combine two chemicals to produce the result at, or shortly before, impact. While we have designed such weapons, we have not put them in the field and have no intention of using them). The Iraqis combine the chemicals when they load the warhead. But my conclusions were correct. The Iraqi weapons must be refrigerated or they deteriorate quickly.
The bottom line remains the same. Iraqi chemical warheads are only usable if they are empty. Only then can they be loaded and fired as some probably will be in the upcoming war. One of the efforts the United States has made to discourage Iraqi field commanders from using these warheads is dropping leaflets to warn them that any such use will be handled as a war crime.
A more effective deterrent is our armaments response. We have radar- and computer-guided response fire. Within seconds of the firing of one warhead, we can put multiple shells on the source of that firing. Some Iraqi warheads waiting to be fired will be destroyed on the ground. Most of the casualties from Iraqi chemical weapons will be the Iraqi support troops themselves.
This is also a matter of using the old noodle, but it does require a little homework in the nature of the Iraqi weapons.
The main point I stress here is that readers should seldom take press reports on any subject at face value, especially the first reports when stories are just breaking. Use your head. Think about what has not been said. Apply the lessons of history to the present situation -- something that reporters seldom do. You can understand almost any story better than the reporter who is presenting it, by thinking it through. Anyhow, that's what Miss McGillicuddy taught us, in our lessons on "understanding what you read."
Truth is not always on the surface. But truth is usually there. Like all things of value in this life, sometimes you have to work for it.
--
(About the author: Congressman Billybob is fictitious, but prolific, on the Internet -- the invention of John Armor, who writes books and practices law in the U.S. Supreme Court. Comments and criticisms are welcome at CongressmanBillybob@earthlink.net).
Copyright © 2001-2003 United Press International
Billybob
If you insist on this use of logic, you will kill much of the rambling, useless, and inaccurate information I gather here each day. Please desist immediately!
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Billybob
Is this the error? I haven't kept up with the case, to tell the truth.
There's a coal mine in the holler beneath my house. Every now and then, I get me a pile of it and bring it up here to throw at the deer.
Further, Blix blurted that the ratio of Saddam's shadows to inspectors had been reduced from five-to-one to two-to-one. Imagine: inspectors are completely unfettered if unfettered is defined by having one's neck snapped by Abeed while Abdul hits one in the solar plexus.
The missing link between Saddam Hussein and Michael Jackson has been identified as . . .Scott Ritter.
If Michael Jackson says he's had two nose jobs yet has had 50, then when he says he is not a pedophile the truth is [censored by v-chip].
Martha Stewart deserves to have her head held in an oven--that would be a good thing to do with all that duct tape.
In the Math Makes My Head Hurt Dept.:
If Saddam is hiding 16,500 liters of anthrax, he's hiding 4,000 gallons or seven million teaspoons--the amount that shut down the Senate for fumigation.
Just about every day the Senate does something to warrant shutting it down for fumigation and today was no exception.
Demunists in that bodacious body apply more effort at assassinating Miguel Estrada than Saddam Hussein--
Hence their attempts at national security are a myth--by a mile.
Well done, Congressman. Methinks that these particular UN Indians have grown sated and possessive - w/ their US-funded lifestyles - complete with champagne, fine food, beautiful women. Bob Dornan on Hannity & Colmes tonight called the UN, "The highest paid call girls in the history of the world." (^:
One? Aren't we up to about 18 (and working on the 19th)?
This reminded me of someone's definition of insanity, i.e. doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results (or words to that effect).
Your collection of well done commentaries continues to grow.
I have some small amount of experience in the world of journalism, I have been interviewed and have written, and edited, news articles. I was astounded, at first, at the general inability of reporters to get the facts right. Then I got to thinking about the problem. According to Stanford/Binet, 100 is the average IQ score. This means that 50% of any given representative sample of the population has an IQ of less than 100. The upper 50% do not exactly flock to a career in journalism, a career field that is known for its low pay at the entry level. Then if you throw in some cultural biases of these high flown idealists tempered by some editorial heavy handedness, Voila!, you have inaccurate and skin deep reporting which has been modified to reflect the views of a socialist manager. What could be simpler?
Got a question, though. Did they move the Screamin' Eagles out of Ft. Campbell, Kentucky?
Either unit, of course, would make Hans Blix's inspectors look like pantywaists. A friend of mine from the 82nd said their unofficial motto is, "We kill people and break their toys." Now, THAT's an effective weapons inspection.
Congressman Billybob
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