Diver Dave, JustAmy, and lodwick have been called in from the sea search for the missing crew members. Below is a dialog between your captain and Scuttlebutt yesterday:
Scuttlebutt, you look terrible!
I feel plum terrible, sir.
You look like Bill Clinton after a weekend with Jennifer Flowers.
That’s low, sir, really low.
Tell me your version of it.
I don’t remember all of it, sir.
I only got married three times, not four, Friday night in Tijuana.
And, I believe one of those was to beowolf, sir,
I was in this Tijuana,er, uh, hotel with michigander, razorback-bert, and beowolf.
Meek ‘n Mertz broke in and hauled us to a beach in the U.S.
We were only handling out temperance tracks, sir.
Trying to save the young ladies.
Anyhow, they stripped us on the beach and burned our clothes.
The border was closed for an hour because of our smell.
Meek ‘n Merk marinated us in Blue Star ointment
and then scrubbed us down with 14” hard bristle bruses.
They drug us down to the ocean and made us stand up to our necks in it for an hour.
It was horrible, sir.
I nearly froze
And, that salt water hurt.
Some critter kept crawling up my leg
and ate the nail off my left big toe.
Then, they gave us short arm inspections and Mama_Bear and dutchess gave us shots.
I’m so full of penicillin I wouldn’t catch a STD if I went to the Democratic Convention.
Razorback-bert’s in real bad shape, sir.
He just sits in a corner of the brig and shakes.
I think he’s got them delirium trembles.
I’ll have ship’s physician/chaplain WVNan look at him.
He’s bad feared of her, sir.
When we were on the beach she was checking me.
Razorback-bert said she looked like the madam at the hotel.
That weren’t right because she don’t use a spatula for makeup.
Anyhow, she’d been standing there with that serene smile she gets,
You know, like God done said something to her or she’s smoking some good stuff.
She had her palms up and her hands together.
Suddenly, her right hand shot out and hit razorback-bert just below the ribs.
He dropped like a rock.
She said, “Bless you, child.” And spun, you know, like Katherine Hepburn, and walked off smiling.
My big toe hurts really bad, sir.
I’ll ask WVNan to look at it.
Ask her not to hit me, sir.
With the additional crew for this voyage, it will indeed get complicated.
Agree the varied skills of WVNan are a bonus, in addition to shouting Land Ho! and Heaven Help Us! with frequency, she is a top notch healer.
The Crew is shaping up, with the exception of Fred needing more sun block and Pippin wanting a bushel of apples.
Dutchess is proving resourceful as the Procurement Officer, and Thud and Gizzmutt tolerate one another well now.
We should be able to sail upon your command, Cap'n.
They kept saying they wanted to get in touch with their bodies but their bodies were not all that communicative. I told them they had to go to the 6:00 class in vigerous toning. Scuttlebut maintained that he heard his body say clear as a bell, "Listen ba****d, do it and die."
And all those women......you know Scuttlebutt. He gets all excited about nothing and then he marries them.
Now, Cap'n you have to know that I did not hit razorback Bert in the ribs. I would never ever do such a thing. It'a against the Hypocritical Oath. No sir, I hit him up side the head. The Scriptures clearly say, "Let his blood be upon his own head." We must obey the Scriptures. It was a punch for his own good.
Blessings must always be given with a smile Sir. What kind of physician/pastor would I be if I administered "upside the head" blessing with a scowl on my face. Always express the joy of my faith I say.
Scuttlebutt need have no fear of me, for I heard the Lord say, "Smite him with thy tongue."
I appreciate being made physician for this voyage. I was getting tired of the crows nest anyway. And scrubbing bilge pumps was not very exciting. But sometimes life gets confusing. Just when I am getting used to yesterday, along comes today.