OK FRiend. I am sorry, I did not realize what you were going through.
Our faith gets tested. Badly, sometimes. Yet every single day.
I am not one who thinks he has the only way. It took me years to find my way - and that is pretty much normal from what I have seen.
May the Lord guide you and keep you - no matter what path you choose to the Truth. You need to talk, we are here. Both to talk AND to listen.
My priest and my heart both say that God speaks to us all individually. My preference is for a fairly rigid way of worship. I am a hierarchical person.
Know yourself, right?