Posted on 04/26/2015 2:46:57 PM PDT by mainstreetradical.com
This past Easter Sunday, some acquaintances invited my husband and I to join them for lunch and proselytized us as an added bonus activity.
They run a house church (where they meet in a home versus traditional church) and through getting to know Matt and I set their sights on recruiting us. We had little in common with this family but a few odd circumstances brought us together for a time.
We were unaware that this was the agenda for the day until we went to leave. In an obvious, sudden turn of conversation, discussing spiritual topics became an urgent matter of business.
Sigh…
This all began with me not keeping my big mouth shut, of course.
A conversation between the woman and I ended somewhat heated the last time such discussion was at hand.
Let me begin with the preface that there are many open minded Christians that respect, honor, and value other belief systems. To be respectful to the faith as a whole, I will call them Pilgrims. I think this is a well-suited term because it indicates a gaze fixed ahead on one’s personal journey. Pilgrims may meet others along the way and share experiences, but otherwise they are on a passage of faith to their “Holy Land.”
The Pilgrims are not threatened by the fact that people find other ways to God. They accept this. They do not feel the compulsive need to convert others. They recognize the beautiful ideology that a person with differing beliefs may have something of value to share with them…and not just the other way around.
This was unfortunately not the case with these folks. Again, for the sake of differentiating, I’d like to call this brand of Christian, the Peddlers. They are more focused on going door to door and selling their product (or converting others for their cause.)
To the Peddler, embedded in Christianity, there is one thought that is absolutely incomprehensible to them: A person leaving the faith and being at peace.
This is, in essence, a pointed description of my husband and I.
While discussing and simultaneously discovering our differences, the woman latched onto an instigating factor that led me down my new, adventurous path: We were hurt in church. This was something she repeated back to me at the end of the conversation, adding weight meticulously to each word.
I knew at the end of the conversation it was something she would cling to as a way of understanding me. She would excuse me with it. She would pity me for it. She would see me in need of rescuing because of it.
As magnificently tempting as it would be to say how wrong she was, I found myself conceding: she was right. I was wounded. I was hurt in the church. And it did have a profound impact on me. Like ripples across a still body of water, the damage from the wounds was far reaching.
I thought that my healing was complete because it had been a long time since someone had pushed me. I was discovering however, that even after a lengthy amount of time, the waters were still settling.
When this woman began to question me, I could almost feel the fur on my back bristle, my teeth come out, and snarls escape my lips. There it was: the beast inside.
And what was my beast protecting? Ugly, hidden, dark sides of me that still hated and still resented. I will not be controlled, I will not apologize for who I am and I will not answer to your faith. The beast rumbles these sentiments.
I found such delicious, unregrettable freedom. In my fervor, and somewhat angst, a horrible slur escaped my lips.
“I don’t know any happy Christians.”
Ugh.
What had I said? Was that me? That thought was inside me? Something so judgmental and unfair? A broad, sweeping statement dismissing an entire people group of faith? Really Bonnie? Really??
It broke my heart. I knew better. Yet…where had it come from?
Of course I knew happy Christians. One of the happiest, joy-filled people I know is my dad. He is a Christian man and finds happiness in all things he does. Just thinking about him makes me smile.
I have friends that are Christians and are happy. I know they are happy not because they don’t experience moments of unhappiness but because of the contagious joy they bring into my life. These friends are the same Christians that aren’t trying to convert or change me. They love and accept others. They are my beloved Pilgrims.
So why say what I said?
The fact that I reacted defensively led me to introspection. She was right. I had been hurt and my healing process was not complete. I apologized to her, admitted that I was still in a growing process (as I hope to always be) and still healing.
I don’t know any happy Christians.
The truth was that I was seeing unhappiness in her. I was remembering the unhappiness I had been subjected to. I was reminded of the unhappiness many Christians of my past chose to stay under. It triggered these thoughts in me and being unfiltered in nature, they came out.
I had been watching this woman. I saw her.
I saw that she was a good Christian woman. I knew that no matter how her husband treated her, no matter the insult or neglect, she would suffer it. I saw that she bore a pressure greater than a normal human should bear. She would work all hours and then criticize herself aloud. If she dropped a ball, she was merciless in punishing herself. Failure was a very real and cruel concept in her world.
Where was all this pressure coming from? Some of it came from friends. A lot of it, however, came from self-driven patterns, embedded for so long it would be difficult to change them.
She was in desperate need for compassion. She was in need of acceptance. She was in need of unconditional love. This woman was slowly starving from a lack of grace….the very message Christians live and breathe.
Perhaps this would not be so profound on an observer like me, if it weren’t for the fact that I have seen this many times.
Peddlers preach grace, love, and acceptance. Yet they walk around in a cloud of misery believing they are not good enough. They strive, battle, and exhaust themselves.
If the message is all about grace, why does this happen so predominantly?
Simple: There is no self-love. Self-love is often times considered antithetical to the sacrificial lifestyle Christ has called them to. Self-love can lead to happiness and happiness is wrong. Only joy found while under the heavy hand of suffering is an acceptable concept to a Peddler.
In a moment of hilarious contradiction one would think the Peddler might take stock of the value and appeal to what they are so zealously selling. As my husband and I were given the hard sell to return to this lifestyle, I thought Why? Why would I? I’m happy now! I’m free!
One cannot love others if they have not learned to love themselves. I believe this with every cell of my body. I’m no longer ashamed to subscribe to this and fully embrace it. While one way of thinking repressed my spirit, the other restored my wings that I might soar.
Christians believe that Christ lives inside them. Yet in one vast sweeping motion, the Peddlers annihilate the grace so freely given by refusing to acknowledge their own self-value. Many cannot be complimented without having to throw their hand in the air and ritualistically saying, “Glory to God.”
In the next moment, the next conversation, they are arrogantly looking down on and criticizing other religions for their practices. They foolishly think they are not guilty of doing the same thing: allowing a religious mindset to compel repetitious actions so they feel holy, or safe.
How many times was I witness to a common day Pharisee gathering? It was a pissing match to see who was holier based on the amount of family friendly television shows they watched, how little TV they watched, or perhaps not even owning a TV at all.
How far can this be taken? How far do some Peddlers go…to be holy, to be Godly and to have no self-love? I have seen Peddlers go through life living a shell of an existence and even accept long-term abuse. This is their warped idea of worship. It is sad, it is wrong, and I believe it is the very opposite of the message Christ came to deliver.
What would it look like if Peddlers truly embraced grace and took life on with unapologetic freedom? What if they rose to their destiny understanding, really understanding their claimed heritage?
They claim to be children of God, Christ rebirthed inside them. These are powerful claims, yet they live in constant fear of themselves, their own nature, and the world. Where is the complete and total self-acceptance and love that God is gifting in his son? It is lost.
I fell, free falling, from the nest. I left the caged community. And the only way any of this happened was something was instigated inside me. Something ignited in me: an undeniable, persistent, blossoming desire to explore. To ask. To question.
I learned to not be right. I learned that “to not know” was okay! I learned to be undefined.
Whoa…it was really great! It wasn’t dangerous. The voice telling me that I was treading perilous ground had only been fear all along. Everything I was told it wasn’t, it was, and vice versa.
In the end, I never got a chance to tell this woman that I still believed in Christ. What she was left with was another truth much harsher: I don’t buy into the whole Christian thing anymore.
To her, a Peddler, one does not exist without the other. I am accountable to her and to other Peddlers. I have something to answer to. I have to play by the rules! I’m not allowed to believe in Christ and throw the rest of the system away.
But I did. And I have. Can you hear my smile?
I never told her something I knew she could not comprehend. It would have been all too much like flying up to her cage, peculiar bird that I am, and saying, “Pssst….”
She hobbles over on her perch and I whisper in her ear, bird to bird, “Yo! There are no bars.”
She would not have understood. Of course there are bars. Of course there is a cage. Of course God is limited. Don’t be silly….
When my husband and I went over for Easter lunch I thought it might be a nice way to show our acceptance of each other.
I had forgotten that in her world, there is no acceptance. To a Peddler, there is only one way. Believing this way binds you to an obligation to fix and change others. They may call it “saving” or “helping” but it drives a Peddler to fix and change. And within those private circles, they will work to fix and change each other. Acceptance will not be allowed to flourish in this environment even if tragically, that may have been the original heart intention.
As part of the hard sell, the chosen evangelist giving us the sales pitch made sure to mention the accountability offered with their program. “Where there is sin, we will offer correction.”
How does one judge another person’s sin? How does one take that place? What feels wrong for one person may not feel wrong for another. Will the voice of the conscience or God inside not be enough? Will making our own mistakes or choosing our own path not be allowed? When does biblical correction become pressure to perform or be what others think a person should be?
How can one feel loved or accepted? How can one experience grace? The setup of the whole gig from the beginning is corrupt.
How can a Peddler have self-acceptance? They are a sinner and they will be asked to relive that a thousand times. It might be shame put on them for how they dress or disapproval for how they speak, but correction gets delivered. Accountability is given. This is love in the Peddler world. Because one is loved, they will be taught, mentored and shown how to grow.
Bars. A cage. Clipped wings.
I had to remind myself of the good news in all this as we left their home Easter Sunday. It always remains the same. Much like my lovebird Snoopy, anyone can decide to chirp to their own tune or fly to their own haphazard pattern.
All it takes is an awakening. This is not something given to one bird by another. It is not something initiated or instigated by an outside influence. It is something the bird chooses. It starts with something small…like the cage door being left open.
The heart becomes a quick flutter in their breast. Their feathers fluff up in tenuous excitement. An inescapable itch quivers through their seemingly insignificant frame. Before they know it, air is between their clawed grip and that perch holding them bound.
Yep…there is a little Snoopy inside us all.
Please See Part Two of the Two Faces of Christianity!
Very nice and sweet article about how to get away with living in an un-godly way and feeling justified in that life and even feeling “better than though” because you are happy and they seem not to be.
Of course there are plenty of happy sinners who will be very unhappy in front of the throne, but who cares about them? This is all about my private journey and happiness (sarc).
they “have their own truth”.... /
I agree with you. I would also say this.... this article didn’t go where I thought it was going to go. I’m convinced that the problem with “the church” today isn’t that the people in them are peddlers. The problem is that it is filled with tares. People who aren’t genuine and don’t truly know Christ as their savior. And in turn, most churches are nothing more than country clubs, or a social event.... and these are notoriously filled with gossip, innuendo, bad motives, and non-loving people.
Who is this illiterate writer?
Actually, it was illiterate, disjointed and boring.
agree....
I read to the first grammatical error and figured that if this author doesn’t know grammar, then how can they know religion?
These are the kinds of Christians many people viscerally dislike. They don’t help the PR for Christianity.
BTW, she should be saying “and me” in most of the places she writes “and I”.
I understand, but it's time to let it go. She only hurts herself by holding on to this resentment.
Someone once said that holding onto anger and resentment, even righteous anger, is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
There are times, places, and circumstances where anger is legitimate, but you can't afford to live there.ese
The people in our lives are our mirrors. And thy're there for a reason.
"God as me, in me, is me." -- Dr. Ernest Holmes
If God is limited, then how could God be Omnipotent and Omniscient? If God is limited, then there is somewhere to get away from the Power of God and somewhere to escape he sight of God. So God cannot be limited, but must be Infinite.
But if God is Infinite, then God must also be Omnipresent. If God is Infinite, then "there is no spot where God is not."
And that means it's not possible to be separate from God. It also means that EVERYTHING is God.
"Judge not lest ye be judged."
I think this question goes directly to what Jesus was talking about when he talked about getting the speck out of one's own eye before trying to fix the mote in another's.
I love this piece. It’s an excellent analysis.
The author provides no analytical standpoint other than "I was hurt in church, therefore I am no longer a Christian." Hurt how? Hurt why? By whom?
The author's demonstrated attitude is puerile.
The author then goes on to stand in harsh judgment of her hosts and goes so far as to portray the inner life of her host as if her host was someone who reveled in psychological abuse.
The author's tone is relentlessly sarcastic, dismissive, and judgmental but offers no reasoned basis to justify this tone.
She divides the world into good "Pilgrims" who never dare to disagree with her and bad "Peddlers" who have the audacity to express their own opinions.
In other words, in her mind, other human beings have value only to the extent that they bow to or fail to bow to her whims.
The author lacks the intelligence and the emotional maturity to critique her hosts, yet haughtily condemns them while accepting their hospitality.
A very ugly, disjointed, and decidedly unanalytical piece of scribbling.
I was where she is for 40 years. Yes, I blamed God, just as she is, though she doesn’t admit it.
I finally came to understand that I had left God, but he refused to give up on me.
The freedom and relief of that grace is immense.
She has not got there yet.
I differ from the author in one significant way. I did not find Christian attempts to convert me offensive. There were many, and done in very loving ways.
I look back at them now, and thank God for them.
Were there offensively “peddling” Christians? Maybe one or two, but I really do not remember any. I attended bible study for political purposes for years (I needed allies!), and I was the token Agnostic/Atheist.
A person who is so offended shows that their self image is weak, in my opinion.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.