I'm very bitter about my experiences as a catholic and I came to see some of what they get so enthused about is not true and I hate falsehoods of any kind.
The context of writing what I did was I had just had my daughter and her friend ( and my friend but she gets on my nerves terribly ) here. The friend said she didn't like Bush and that he wasn't a good president. That set me off. I don't like him with my whole heart but he is so much better than what we could be dealing with and I tried to defend my position.
A few days ago a close family member and I had a phone conversation. Things always drift to the ME. She is on the side of the Palestinians. I can tell. We were talking about the latest suicide bombing. Everytime I point out an atrocity of the Palestinians, she counters with something bad about the Isralis. It is hopeless.
Then I ask myself why am I on the side of Israel. Deep down, most Jews hold Christ in contempt and they probably don't like us very well. So why do I persist in defending them? I don't know.
There are so many things about ourselves that we just don't know. I just know that I am a nonconformist but have high ethical values.
The last time I was in a crowd of any size, it was a car race. Someone got hurt and everybody stood up and was all excited, wanting to know how bad it was. Something inside of me got turned off about crowd reactions and I remained seated. I was the only one in the whole crowd who reacted like that. I remember thinking at that moment that must have been how excited those Romans in the stadiums got when watching Christians killed.
I guess I just don't trust anyone and I don't think like anyone I know. This side on this. That side on that. What confusion!