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Posted on 09/21/2001 11:14:03 AM PDT by TheBigB

"My fellow Americans…

It has come to my attention via the political statements of last Tuesday, that there are some people in this big, bright, wonderful world of ours who disagree with our foreign policy. Let me assure any of these people who may be watching, that I feel your pain. Truly, I empathize. Tonight I will lay out a course of actions that will investigate how our Republican congress offended these people, and make sure it never happens again.

Let me say that it is my hope that survivors may still be found in the ruins of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, even though I have ordered no gasoline-powered cranes, trucks, or chainsaws to be used. As I said in my best-selling book EARTH IN THE BALANCE, the internal combustion engine is the greatest threat to mankind. I hope everyone was listening when I assigned that book to be read in my State of the Union address. There will be a test.

America has asked how we as a nation will respond. Let me say that I do not at this time feel a military action is appropriate, as it would distract our soldiers from their vital jobs of planting trees in Kosovo and directing traffic in Mogadishu. Therefore, I have instead ordered the formation of a special, non-partisan "Committee of Reconciliation." Members will be the Most Very Rev. Al Sharpton, Former President Jimmy Carter, Former Attorney General Janet Reno, respected newsmagazine publisher Larry Flynt, and our greatest living American actor, Alec Baldwin. They will oversee the writing of the "Treaty to Prevent All Future Bad Things from Ever Happening." Because as I've said before, a nation that places its security in a piece of paper with some names on it is a secure nation. We will make sure all nations on Earth sign the Treaty, unless they don't want to.

I have also ordered the formation of a new Cabinet-level department, the "Department of Apologies." Any time anyone on Earth is ever offended by anything we as a nation do, have done, or might conceivably ever do, we will immediately offer a full and groveling apology, along with monetary compensation. Taxes may have to be raised, but as I've said, there will have to be sacrifices. This Department will be headed by former NY Gov. Mario Cuomo.

We will also make sure there are Air marshals on all future American airplane flights. However, in the spirit of fairness and tolerance, these Marshals will be armed only with boxcutter knives. My spiritual counsel, the Spectacularly Rev. Jesse Jackson, informed me that some future political dissidents (some call them "terrorists." I reject this mean-spirited label.) may feel offended by the sight of Marshals better-armed than they are. I have made specific instructions that these Marshals NOT engage in the despicable practice known as "criminal profiling"…in other words, just because someone with a turban and a knife stands up on a plane and yells "DEATH TO ALL CAPITALIST INFIDELS", that does NOT mean they are automatically out to do harm. Rev. Jackson agrees with me.

I am proud to add that my former boss, President Bill Clinton, has offered his services as a special envoy. He has asked to be sent "anywhere there's a camera and whorehouses."

I want to recognize some special heroes in the gallery…NY Sen. Charles Schumer, who was only 45 miles away from the blast, immediately responded by "running and hiding like a frightened six-year-old girl." His courage is an inspiration to us all. Also, Congresswoman Barbara Lee (D-Berkeley) who, when told of the explosion, said "good." This exercise in free speech warms my heart. Some have asked why there are no firemen, policemen, or soldiers in the gallery tonight. I considered this, but Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-Hell) made the point that "the sight of so many men blatantly flaunting their….maleness….may offend our viewers from the National Organization for Women." I'm sure you understand.

I also ask the American people, again in the spirit of tolerance and inclusion, to refrain from ever flying the American flag again.

Thank you, and may God Bless America, unless you feel such a statement may violate the separation of Church and State. In which case, please ignore that statement.

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