1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman — with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes — sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMW's, opera, college trust funds or environmental impact statements.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, North Dakota, Marin County or Cape Cod are just a depression.

Chicago, St Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

violet

beige

mauve

taupe

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the blues:

the highway

the jailhouse

an empty bed

Bad places:

ashrams

Gallery openings

weekend in the Hamptons

Trump Plaza

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12A. Do you have a right to sing the blues? Yes, if:

your first name is a southern state - like Georgia

you're blind

you shot a man in Memphis

you can't be satisfied

12B. No, if:

you were once blind but now can see.

you hold an elected office

you have a trust fund

your woman can be satisfied

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. Kenny G cannot play the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

Other blues beverages are:

wine

Irish whiskey

muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:

any mixed drink

Any wine kosher for Passover

Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.

Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.

Other blues ways to die include:

the electric chair

substance abuse

being denied treatment in a hospital emergency room.

It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some blues names for women:

Sadie

Big Mama

Bessie

17A. Some blues names for men:

Joe

Willie

Little Willie

Lightning Jr.

Persons with names like Sequoia, Sierra, Megan, Kiira, or Kasia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other blues names (Starter kit)

Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)

First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)

Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie Nixon, Syphilitic Blueberry Eisenhower.

Singers and Songwriters adhering to these rules will be successful.