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Hijackers Suprised to Find Selves In Hell
The Onion ^
| 09/26/2001
| The Onion
Posted on 09/25/2001 6:56:35 PM PDT by TrappedInLiberalHell
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESSThe hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.
"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"
The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.
According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.
"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."
"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.
"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."
Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.
"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."
Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.
"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."
TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
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The Onion does for political incorrectness what Bill Maher only aspires to. They've got several 'stories' related to the WTC and Pentagon hijackings this week.
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
All of their women are virgins, because a "member" must be more than 1" in length to "devirginize".
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
I know I shouldn't be laughing, but...
Guffah!
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
soon Osama will be joining his pals.
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Yep, it never fails. Satan is the master of deception...and he lied to them.
sw
5
posted on
09/25/2001 7:03:36 PM PDT
by
spectre
Comment #6 Removed by Moderator
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
All nineteen skyjack terrorist really got to paradise expecting virgins and there waiting for them was Joe and Mickey and Roger plus Lou and The Babe, all smiling, standing there with their bats
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
This is astonishing. Who could have imagined finding something funny to write about this horror? Yet the lunatics at The Onion seem to have pulled it off.
8
posted on
09/25/2001 7:09:54 PM PDT
by
ArcLight
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Gee, I knew the fellows over at the Onion were really imaginative but....I can only think psychotropic drugs are needed and quickly!
9
posted on
09/25/2001 7:10:08 PM PDT
by
FormerLib
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
"Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant"
I will never stop laughing!!!!
10
posted on
09/25/2001 7:11:50 PM PDT
by
Sooner
Comment #11 Removed by Moderator
Comment #12 Removed by Moderator
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
13
posted on
09/25/2001 7:17:43 PM PDT
by
oldvike
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
bump
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Yeah, I bet all the terrorists were very surprised when they discovered that murdering innocent people doesn't get you into heaven.
DUH!The gates of Hell better swing wide open because a great big load of murdering Taliban terrorists are one the way, courtesy of the US military. Osama bin Damned will be leading the way.
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Wanna know one more reason why those maniacs will never destroy us? Imagine their society producing something like The Onion. Only in America, baby!
16
posted on
09/25/2001 7:19:23 PM PDT
by
ArcLight
To: one_particular_harbour
Wow, I wonder if this place is hiring, I've got the motivation and training to deal out some hell.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Praise Jesus
18
posted on
09/25/2001 7:23:24 PM PDT
by
NewLand
Comment #19 Removed by Moderator
To: Senator Pardek
All of their women are virgins, because a "member" must be more than 1" in length to "devirginize".
Ahem, after driving those planes into the WTC at ~500 MPH, how could they find ANY of the original member, 1" or no. We are talking tweezer time here... maybe microscope.
To: ArcLight
This week's articles, I've noticed, are making serious points, cloaked in gentle humor. Admirable restraint on the part of the Onion staff, but even more admirable that they didn't fold up the tent. They're continuing to do as Bush and Giuliani suggested -- getting on with their lives.
I particularly liked the article God Angrily Clarifies "Don't Kill" Rule. It's funny, and yet it nearly made this grown man cry. And I don't even believe in God. Read it and see if you know what I mean.
To: one_particular_harbour
Well you're reading what's left of my mind.
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Well, the Onion has done good work this time. Bump for future reference...
23
posted on
09/25/2001 7:26:37 PM PDT
by
OKSooner
To: South Dakota
Imagine the looks on their sunburned faces to realize in eternal wisdom's hindsite that Osama used them to sell his stocks short, doubling fortunes in worshiping his allmighty dollar.
24
posted on
09/25/2001 7:27:30 PM PDT
by
winged1
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
ROFLMAO!!!
One question, though...Where were all those virgins supposed to have come from?
To: oldvike
They are still down there arguing that they had an ironclad irrevocable contract with Bin.
To: Uncle George
They are still down there arguing that they had an ironclad irrevocable contract with Bin. Well, in the near future they will be able to voice their complaints in person.
27
posted on
09/25/2001 7:30:14 PM PDT
by
oldvike
To: one_particular_harbour
What this ain't paradise
And where's the virgins???
Where in h@ll are the virgins??!!?
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Sounds good to me!
30
posted on
09/25/2001 7:32:55 PM PDT
by
neutrino
(Neutrino)
To: det dweller too
Here's another view of the same event.......
31
posted on
09/25/2001 7:33:45 PM PDT
by
1John
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Why am I laughing? Why am I laughing?!?
The Onion have outdone themselves this time.
32
posted on
09/25/2001 7:35:47 PM PDT
by
Skooz
To: 1John
Good pic 1John.
33
posted on
09/25/2001 7:38:52 PM PDT
by
oldvike
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
34
posted on
09/25/2001 7:51:06 PM PDT
by
Skooz
To: 1John
35
posted on
09/25/2001 7:51:58 PM PDT
by
Dan Day
To: Dan Day
On the other hand...
36
posted on
09/25/2001 7:53:57 PM PDT
by
Dan Day
To: Dan Day
Beautiful. I just might print that one out and pin it up at work.
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
I've had my lurid fantasy of what to do with Bin Laden and his colleagues once we catch them. It involves, helicopters, TNT, gasoline and 20 tons of steel.
38
posted on
09/25/2001 7:59:47 PM PDT
by
Kermit
To: Dan Day
That Luckovich cartoon gets to me...and his cartoon about the Statue of Liberty crying--that's my screen saver. The guy is good.
39
posted on
09/25/2001 8:04:37 PM PDT
by
Catspaw
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
The article about God is very good -- yep, the Onion gets it right yet again. Satire sometimes says it best.
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
I think we all needed a laugh, and the Onion did a wonderful job of giving us one. The Counterpoint on Point/counterpoint had me nearly in tears.
Click here
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
Arabs are easily enticed by Islam because of the high rates of illiteracy. They cannot read so they are brainwashed into believeing this bs.
Salmon Rushdie was right.
42
posted on
09/25/2001 8:11:27 PM PDT
by
boycott
To: Skooz
Laughing? Yeah, well, I generally laugh at Onion stuff. But then I had to stop and wonder why I found the torment of those ugly and twisted souls so amusing - so, well, absolutely satisfying. I'll think about that for a while.......
I'd recommend going to the article on Talking to your child...... Suddenly I learned something - somebody at The Onion has done his homework.
43
posted on
09/25/2001 8:12:56 PM PDT
by
1John
To: all
Thank you Onion...for an imaginative and colorful scenario.
44
posted on
09/25/2001 8:13:53 PM PDT
by
pgobrien
To: Walkin Man, TrappedInLiberalHell
The gates of Hell better swing wide open ...Nah, those poor damned souls have to go through the keyhole, nose to a**, just like the rest of hell's inductees. When there is a big crowd, they have to do it in pairs or more. Wonderful article, thanks Trapped!
45
posted on
09/25/2001 8:22:37 PM PDT
by
SES1066
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
...As always, great satire! The "Masters"!!! Long live the "Onion"
46
posted on
09/25/2001 8:23:21 PM PDT
by
gargoyle
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
May all the terrorists find their virgins to be absolutely insatiatable! And carbon copies of Madeline Albright and Janet Reno!
That'll teach 'em!
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
surprisingly, the one about life turning into a bad jerry bruckheimer movie actually turned out to be pretty touching. the first time the onion has produced a tear around here.
dep
48
posted on
09/25/2001 8:33:01 PM PDT
by
dep
To: TrappedInLiberalHell
I particularly liked the article God Angrily Clarifies "Don't Kill" Rule. This one's remarkably poignant as well (not to mention enormously funny): American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie
Excerpt:
All the familiar action-movie elements were there: terrorists taking over a plane, panicked crowds, huge fireball explosions, Secret Service agents ushering the president to a secret underground military base in Nebraska to plan the next move. A news report revealed that the terrorists had planned to strike Air Force One. At any moment, it seemed a squadron of alien warships would materialize and begin to menace Jeff Goldblum.
49
posted on
09/25/2001 8:39:24 PM PDT
by
Dan Day
To: AGaviator,jmurphy4413,lent,patent,wardaddy,nunya bidness
Wicked Bump!
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