Posted on 10/24/2001 10:56:34 AM PDT by areafiftyone
Didn't see this posted so I thought is was time for a little laugh:
News Networks Deliver Afghanistan Attacks by Tim Ryan
Though footage of the attacks has been murky and hard to see, news networks over the last two days have brought viewers detailed, blow-by-blow decriptions of the U.S.-led attacks on Afghanistan. Here is a transcript of one of those reports:
Transcript of one of many on-the-scene news reports from Afghanistan:
“Here is our correspondent somewhere near Kabul. Are you there?”
“Yes. I’m here. Somewhere near Kabul.”
“And what’s the scene.”
“It’s very dark.”
“Are you able to see anything?”
“I’m able to see a lot of darkness.”
“Any activity?”
“Wait, yes, there seems to be –“
“Yes?”
“No. Sorry. My mistake.”
“Is there anything at all going on right now?”
“Well not right this second. There was a couple of minutes ago. While you were busy talking to that ex-general guy. Too bad you missed it.”
“Let me ask you about what ex-general guy said. He said he was speculating that it may be too soon to speculate about what we’re not able to see right now.”
“I think that’s true but I’d only be guessing.”
“Can you tell if we’re winning yet?”
“I wouldn’t want to speculate. If I had to speculate, my guess would be we’re pretty much kicking the crap out of them.”
“Considering what the Taliban and their antiquated weaponry is up against, I for one can’t see them winning this.”
“I can’t see them winning it either. I can’t see anything. As I said, It’s dark. And I don’t want to speculate. As the Pentagon said, this is only the beginning of what hasn’t really even begun yet.”
“In other words, if this were a football game, this would be the pre-show.”
“Actually probably not even the pre-show. My guess is this is still before the pre-show. In any case, I just want to remind everyone that the Pentagon reminded us that this is going to take a long time.”
“Is there any speculation about any feeling on thoughts toward what the Pentagon means by a long time?”
“I think by that they mean a long time. But I wouldn’t want to speculate.”
“We’re now looking on our screens at a topographical map of Afghanistan. I just want to show our viewers that if you were to turn the map upside down and look at it upside down like that?”
“Yes.”
“Looks kind of weird that way, doesn’t it?”
“Yes it does.”
“Similarly, an NBC news poll today said 96 percent of Americans support this war effort no matter how long it lasts as long as the networks will stop interrupting “Dharma and Greg.” Did you see that poll?”
“No but I can’t see a damn thing, it’s still too dark.”
“We’re also hearing unsubstantiated rumors that upon seeing the first cruise missiles exploding on Afghani soil, the leader of the Taliban cried out for a Holy War. Is that true?”
“Not quite. He did cry out when he saw the missiles coming in but he did not cry out for a Holy War. I think his exact words were “Holy Shit!”
“What about bin Laden?
“What about him?”
“Yes.”
“Sucks.”
“I mean…do we have any indication yet whether he has been killed or hurt in any way. We know the military has what we call smart bombs that can actually seek out his home address and if he’s not there go around the neighborhood knocking on doors ‘til the bomb finds him.”
“Yes, that’s true. But you have to remember that this is difficult terrain and it’s dark. Several smart bombs have stopped by here recently because they were lost and had to ask for directions. But that’s one of the technological advances in these so-called smart bombs. The conventional bombs are too stupid to stop and ask directions.”
“Well this has been very enlightening.”
“Not from where I’m standing. Where I’m standing I’m still in the dark.”
“We’re going to break away now for some meaningless chatter with several other people who also have no real clue what’s going on, followed by a few personal pontifications of my own, and then a commercial break. Once again, you are watching our continuous live news coverage of America Kicks Some Ass. Back after this.”
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