Student Book Offers a Twisted History 'Coarse'

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Experience history from the Stoned Age to the Blintz Krieg! From Middle Evil Times to the Age of Now, from the Land of Milk and Chocolate to the Iran Hostess Crisis and the fall of the Berlin Mall!

Welcome to the wonderful world of ``Non Campus Mentis,'' (Workman) a book of mangled moments of Western Civilization culled from actual term papers and exams of today's ``brightest'' students by incredulous college professor Anders Henriksson who, while grading exams, chose to laugh, rather than cry, at his students' most egregious mistakes.

History, after all, is nothing more than ``the behind of the present,'' according to one student, who aptly added: ``This gives incites from the anals of the past.''

The once-mighty British Empire is in a ``state of recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map.'' Chairman ``Moo'' has passed away, as has former President ``Franklin Eleanor Roosavelt,'' and civil rights leader ``Martin Luther Junior'' was slain in the 1960s, shortly after making his famous ``If I Had A Hammer'' speech.

Hitler, a depressed ``Nazi leader of a Communist Germany'' who spurred a huge ``anti-semantic'' movement through a terrifying ``Gespacho,'' launched ``Operation Barbarella'' while the English ``vanely hoped for peas.'' The war began turning around, though, when the ``Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg.

At its best, the 150-page book ``illustrates the ingenious and often comic ways we all attempt to make sense of information we can't understand because we have no context or frame of reference for it,'' according to Henriksson, chairman of the history department at Shepherd College in West Virginia. He began compiling samples 20 years ago at the University of Toronto where he also taught.

Shortly after he began his collection, he published an article in the ``Wilson Quarterly'' titled ``College Kids Say the Darndest Things,'' which prompted amused colleagues at more than two dozen universities in the United States and Canada including West Point, University of Alberta and McMaster, to regularly send him their own inane prose collections. Last year, when he realized his office overflowed with funny samples of ``cretinalia historica'' the idea for a book was born.

While Henriksson declined to identify all the schools involved he said they ranged from moderately to highly competitive, about half were in Canada, no Ivy League schools were represented, and that one of the entries came from Oxford in England.

At its worst, the book may reflect a generation raised in ignorance by bad schools and disengaged parents.

``This is not the norm,'' Henriksson told Reuters in an interview. What you have here is almost 30 years of my collecting from students' (works) at various institutions. This really represents sort of the creme de la creme of the creatively inane.''

``No!'' he said. ``Who could make this stuff up except Mel Brooks. I'm not Mel Brooks.'' Which prompts the question: Should people sound the alarms and search for an ``escape goat?''

Maybe. Hundreds of student contributors received passing grades with such statements as: ``When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many people were left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into extraterrestrialism. The New Deal was an idea inspired by Franklin Eleanor Roosavelt.''

Gravity of the misstatements aside, the bloopers make a great reference whether one seeks information on the Canadian Missile Crisis, clashes between Israelis and Parisians, or the Gulf War (news - web sites) in which, according to one scholar: ``Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia.''

Henriksson said the errors fall into three major categories. Some are simply caused by bad spelling or a lack of proofreading, and come out funny. Some were prompted by a ''profound lack of preparation, while others, just seem to be ''really out at sea,'' he said.

``You get the ones who don't really even seem to understand there's a line between past and present and they tell you that the first airplane was flown by the Marx Brothers. I had this one kid who wrote that Spartacus led a slave rebellion in ancient Rome and then appered in a movie about it later.''

The book offers fresh new ``incites'' on history from ''prehistoricle'' times through ``King Toot'' and the birth of ''monolithic'' religion.(''Judyism had one big God named Yahoo'').

The book goes on to ``chronicle'' the birth of Christianity (''Just another mystery cult until Jesus was born'') and, his pronouncement, later, that ``The mice shall inherit the earth.''

The book sheds new light on the lives of Martin Luther (he nailed 95 theocrats to a church door), ``Florence of Arabia,'' and General George ``Custard'' who managed to stand up anyway.

(''Martian Luther King's'' four steps to direct action, by the way, included ``self purification,'' when you ``allow yourself to be eaten to a pulp.'')

In its final pages, the book includes students' geographical misconceptions as represented on several world maps bearing such labels as ``The Land of Milk and Chocolate'' and ``Home of Golden Fleas'' (in the Ancient World) to ``Bulemia,'' ''Whales,'' ``Roam,'' the ``Eel of France,'' and the ``Automaton Empire'' (as they were known in the ``Middle Evil'' Times).

And it notes that, yes, there has indeed been a change in America's ``social seen,'' over the centuries. The last stage, according to the book, is ``The Age of Now. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt.''

Until then, however, we Americans, ``in all humidity'' are nothing less than ``the people of currant times.''

Here's a few excerpts from a similar text I found online several years ago:

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the Father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Galileo invented the telephone, but the Church later cut his communications. Sir Walter Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in the tea. The Boston Tea Party was when angry colonists dumped tea into Boston Harbour dressed as Indonesians. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any stamps. During the war, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin was two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became The Father of His Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constipation, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became the greatest President of the United States. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". He also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."

Jefferson Davis became President of the Confounded States of America, which began the Civilised War. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. The Civil War ended when General Granite defeated General Lee on the Battlefield of Appendicitis. On the night of 14 April 1865 Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. During the Reconstruction the transcontinental railway was completed when they hammered the Golden Spick into the ground. So Spain declared war on the United States.

France was in a very serious state. The Queen of France was Marie Antony. She ate cake and doughnuts all the time. The people loved her because she was very beautiful and very obese, and she gave them cake. The King of France was Louis XYZ. But the people hated him because he was a very angry man who lost his head all the time. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Mayonnaise was the theme song of the French Revulsion and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Waterlog and died in exile in Helena, Montana.

Many great inventions and ideas were discovered. Samuel Moose invented the telegraph, and later he invented the Remorse Code because he regretted it. The Marx Brothers wrote _Das Capital_ and _The Communist Infestation_. Sherlock Holmes invented the telephone and called "Watson, come here, I want you!" Henry Ford invented the infernal digestion engine. The Eyfful Tower was named because it was very large. Julio Macaroni invented the radio.

Adolf Hitler became Chancellor of Germany after President Hindenberg requested him to build a cabinet. Hindenberg exploded in New Jersey and later died from this. But Hitler was not really German because he was born just across the border in Australia. Hitler ruled Germany with secret police known as the Gaspacho. Hitler did not like his friends and so he started World War II. He lost. At first Hitler was successful when he defeated the Maginot Lion. However toward the end of the war Hitler was often bombed. He died of acute suicide.

The Twentieth Century was known as the Dawn of Man. In 1969 Buzz Armstrong was the first man on the Moon. He took a small step because it was a leap year. But he did not stay very long because the Moon has no atmosphere. Astronauts weigh less on the Moon because they are so far from Earth. The Moon rotates on its anxiety once per month.

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